New Poll Decides: Americans are Indecisive
The authors of a new poll on Americans' beliefs have concluded that Americans cannot conclude what is that they believe.
written by Milo S. Thompson, 23 February 2010
Ireland Issues Statement on World Economy!
Terrorists blow up first bank since end of 'Troubles.' Obama sends Hillary Clinton, (again) to bring Peace in our Time.!
written by unknown
Osteoporosis Threatens English Working Class!
New Study on Labour Party Policy finds one hard working Englishman now supports 123 1/2 EU immigrants getting a free ride. National Health Care says it can't keep up with requests for Advil.
written by unknown
Anger Management Said to be Working for Tiger!
Meeting with potential new sponsors, Tiger says "I'm a changed man.
You won't be hearing any stories of me throwing my club around. It's dangerous, and I could wind up hurting myself!"
written by unknown
Tiger Suffers Trauma in Rehab!
Officials say he had such a recent shock of reality, no longer knows how to grip his club. Caddy say, "I'll do almost anything for Tiger, but I'm not into that!"
written by unknown
On Eve of Health Care Vote, Barry goes Bonkers over Michelle's Choice of Wednesday Night at the Movies!
Obama said to go ballistic when she told him movie of the night was
"Death Wish 5." Some folks just can't stop killing themselves!
written by unknown
Barney Frank Braves Grand Canyon on Mule Trip!
National Park officials say Fanny Mae supporter first traveler to reach the canyon floor and back riding side saddle. John Wayne reportedly turns over in his grave, labeling Barney "True Shit."
written by unknown
Japan Claims US Stifling Growth, Limiting Imports Just Like FDR!
Obama pledges to meet ambassador next Sunday at 7:55 A.M. and prays
Japs will bomb somebody by then so he can declare war and save the economy and his failing presidency. Rahm suggests Arkansas.
written by unknown
Christie Alley crows: Scientology Made Me What I am Today!
Unfortunately for her, Rosie O'donnell is a bigger, fatter success depending on
how you measure 'success.' Larry King promises to weigh in on the controversy but promises 'no heavy lifting!"
written by unknown
Tom Cruise and Cheryl Cole to Star in New Reality Show !
The show is said to highlight the difficulties of height challenged people in a real big world. Both dwarfs will be shown in a sympathetic light as they succeed in real life thanks to Scientology.
written by unknown
Gordon Brown Revealed as Gutless Bully!
PM left cowering, sniveling and in tears after Elton John bitch slaps him and calls him out for picking on 'the little people.' Just like most bullies, cowardly fuck left 'blowing in the wind!"
written by unknown
Obamacare Now On Life Support!
As Obama makes last gasp for life of program worse than cancer, opponents rally behind 'DO NOT RESUSCITATE" Tag affixed to patient. #2 Biden volunteers to pull plug!
written by unknown
Will Study Herself In Preparation
Unwed teen mom Bristol Palin to make "acting debut" on TV show
to guest on 'The Secret Life of An American Teenager' on ABC. She will play the character of "Bristol Palin".
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Put On The Co-Pilot Please!"
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Hellooooo Helloooo! Mumsy, your poopsie is coming in. Am I clear? Mumsy?""
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Joe & His Foot Speaking
Joe Biden at troubled high school: "I'm afraid ladies and gentlemen, that when it comes down to it, there's no magic bullet to solve these problems overnight."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Last Flight
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Attention! I want to look out the windows on both planes. (hic) That there is the Mount Okefenokee!"
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Cruising At 300 Feet
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Yes folks, there flying on your left is the America Bald Eagle. Let's see if we can swing over for a closer view."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Had A Bad Altitude!
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "If you'll look out your window on the right and up, you'll be able to see the top of Mount Brokeback!"
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
More TV Reality
Television audience wants more reality shows. Say they are sick of scripted sit-coms, wrestling.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Probably PRESIDENT Biden
President Obama: "I realize that these are hard times, that there is a lot of unemployment, that we are hooked on foreign oil and that I was born in Kenya...who put that on here?"
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Put Silver Wings, On My Son, Chester"
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Ya know what that is, Chester? That there is the drive shaft I bet ya anything."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
A.A. Needs AA Membership
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: Goes straight up a mile and then lands back at same airport. "Glad yoo culd flee wid ush."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Drunk Pilot
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Weeell be right up! Meanwhile I-I've brought-t my carry yoko machine..."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
They Were Right
US Panel on Bioterrorism Preparedness gives our government an "F". Then die from anthrax smuggled into report.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Hold It In & Explode!
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea; Every time you fart you blow out a hip.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"The Horror, The Horror!"
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea: A definite NO if you're a Cubs fan!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Live Long & Sick To Death
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea: Over 300 unmatched socks in five drawers.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Longer Life Not So Good
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "You'd be pretty doggone sick of Larry King & Regis on TV."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Longer Lives?
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "You could be stepping on your balls."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Living Too Long
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "Shoulder length nose hair."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
'Circular Reasoning'
Obama's Justice Department threatening to charge drivers of Toyota cars with dangerous driving for driving Toyota Cars
written by Tcoah, 23 February 2010
Longer Life Not So Good
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "Look at Keith Richards and he's probably under a 100."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Jon Gosselin Assured Of Privacy.
Ill-Fitting condoms blamed for lower use. New shops measure erect penis, send dimensions to islands to have hand-made ones to fit.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Scientists scorn film-makers for having too much fantasy!
US scientists have scorned film-makers for using too much fantasy in their films although MEN IN BLACK got their thumbs up, just look at area 51 they declared! Mickey Mouse was also a favourite!
written by unknown
Makes Sense
A new study says that fat people live longer. Also, it takes them longer to rot.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Death Of King Tut
DNA proves that King Tutankhamun of Egypt most likely died from being wrapped so tight he couldn't breathe.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
German High Priestess blames Satan for her drinking and driving!
The head of the German Protestant church has confessed to being totally pissed whilst driving, but has blamed Satan for causing her to get caught, God has remained silent!
written by unknown
'Do While Loop' or 'Screw While Loop' ?
"Prince William says he will marry Kate Middleton in a 'while'"
written by Tcoah, 23 February 2010
Latest Beano Comic
Latest Beano comic sells for £2.50. Local man thought to have been the buyer. Also bought a copy of Exchange and Mart for £3.00
written by Earl Grey, 23 February 2010
Cheryl Cole Getting Taller
No. Sorry about that. It's the heels. Carry on.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
Toddler With Incredible Memory
Able to recite 1975 Fulham FA Cup Final starting XI
written by Earl Grey, 23 February 2010
Star Trek Model For Taliban
Like Star Trek, Taliban has almost no enlisted soldiers. They are all Taliban Commanders or Number 2s (as opposed to Captain Picard's "Number One".
written by Nailer, 23 February 2010
Millions of Holiday Makers in Limbo
It's just about the only place BA can get you to
written by Earl Grey, 23 February 2010
"Growing Pains" star Kirk Cameron Arrested
"Growing Pains" star, Kirk Cameron, has been arrested by Vancouver constables while searching for his friend old friend Andrew Koenig,after he was seen asking several people if they've seen his Boner.
written by Adam Click, 23 February 2010
Toyota Email Scandal!
"The more Toyota Customers we kill, the better it will be for everyone!"
written by Adam Click, 23 February 2010
"See This Barbed Harpoon Like Thing?"
High School's Volunteer Day as students help police fish bodies out of the river.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
The Perfect Chin
Jay Leno to pose for Canadian statue of famous Mountie, Dudley Do Right.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Learning While In Prison
Bernie Madoff most popular guy in prison with his "How To Talk People Out Of Millions" lectures to other prison mates.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Cinderella Story!
The Cleveland Browns have announced that their team mascot has been promoted to first string quarterback for 2010-2011 NFL season!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
What Is Escargot?
New York City French Restaurant waiter refuses to serve Alex Trebek until he orders his food in the form of a question.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Then How Come Bubbles Has Big Boobies?
Michael Jackson's doctor admits that he once confused Michael and Janet and enhanced Michael's boobs while leaving Janet with drunken Bubbles while she received the same treatment, then redid Michael.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Ashley Cole Innocent
"He has not seen, or had Cheryl's ring," friend declares.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
Britain Has Falklands Defence Strategy In Place
Thousands of trained penguins prepared to repel invasion.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
Cheryl Cole To Make Pop Video With Cristiano Ronaldo
"Anything Shakira can do, I can do better," she says. Why aye.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
"Gordon Brown IS A Big Bully," Says Cameron.
"He once stole my dinner money."
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
Bright Side Really Bright
Coral reefs will dissolve within 100 years in acidic seas, say marine experts. But, on the bright side, we should have nuked ourselves to death by then.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Shakira Suffers Dizzy Spell
Still a bit weak at the knees after video shoot with Rafael Nadal.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
He's Out There
He walks free again: Bail for the serial criminal who terrorised businessmen. He's The Average Liberal Taxing Politician!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Nadal Pulls Out Of Tennis Tournament
Said to be 'still limping' following Shakira video shoot.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
Soccer Star Ronaldo Rescues Disaster Hit Madeira
Wears a Tee Shirt with 'Madeira' written on it. In marker pen. Wow.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
Tebbit Cracks?
Norman Tebbit 'attacks child in dragon outfit celebrating Chinese New Year', yelling "They're Here! They're Here!"
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Dubai Says Emphatic 'No!'
Denies planning permission for Heaven Caravans Holiday Park.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
As in Elizabeth Taylor's National Velvet?
Gulliver's Travels = A 'Velvet' Girl's Slur
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Newry Car Bomb Was A Toyota
"These people obviously know what they're doing," says police spokesman.
written by Skoob1999, 23 February 2010
Sarah Palin's youngest embroiled in controversy!
Gulliver's Travels = Trig's Vulva Seller
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Aston Villa FC chaplain's sexploits?
Gulliver's Travels = Villa Verger's Lust
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Church warden's cathouse
Gulliver's Travels = Verger's Slut Villa
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Something's stirring!
Gulliver's Travels = Stir Vulgar Levels
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Human organ trafficking?
Gulliver's Travels = Slavers' Liver Glut
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Fate's cruel blow
Gulliver's Travels = Vulgarer Vets' Ills
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Maybe 'vulvaless'?
Gulliver's Travels = Valveless Girl Rut
written by queen mudder, 23 February 2010
Sex Education Watered Down
Victory for faith schools as Labour's new sex education laws are 'watered down'. Teachers can no longer pick out student to show what should never be done without protection.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Took Three Tries
Learner who killed boyfriend in crash before telling police she hadn't been driving is spared jail. Promises judge she'll do a better job after more training.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Warehouse Robber Turns Himself In
Suspected Heathrow warehouse robber hands himself in to police. "What's me reward?"
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Lesbian Hung Fu Artist Gets 12 months
NHS manager who bragged 'I am better than a man' jailed for 12 months over lesbian sex attack on woman at hotel. "She probably is", states heavily bandaged victim.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Johnny Cash Recordings Released
Last of Cash's 'American Recordings' released. Still some early drunk ones to decipher.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Most Approve, French Object
Glaxo to remove zinc, snail slime from it's denture cream.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
GW Again
Study: Warming to bring stronger hurricanes, more victims of heat rash.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
We'll Know Soon
In rare night landing, space shuttle back on Earth, somewhere.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Several Things Up
Report: Wall Street bonuses up 17 percent. Viagra boners up another 5%!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Cheney Hospitalized
Former VP Cheney hospitalized, resting comfortably. Blames "idiot" democrats.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Not Much Improvement
Mascotless Ole Miss to vote on Col Reb successor. Thinking about "Little Black Sambo".
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
More Tax Bombers?
To some, suicide attack on IRS made pilot a hero. "He won't be the last", says fed up tax payer. "Wait until Obama asks for next increase."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Too Late Now
NATO commander takes apology direct to Afghans. Reminded by troops that they can't hear him anymore.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Wore A Brand New Jersey"
Delaware doctor indicted in sex abuse scandal, nicknamed the "What Did Delaware" case.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Another Health Care Proposal
Democrats cautiously embrace Obama health plan, but still a little concerned about third paragraph on page 2289.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Sorry For...That One Too"
NATO commander takes apology direct to Afghans over civilian loses in war with Taliban. Interrupted twice with bombings.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
It's....Adrian Pasdar!
'Heroes' actor Adrian Pasdar charged with DUI. LA policeman wins 1,000-1 pool at headquarters over which celeb next charged with DUI.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Canadian Pride Recovering
Ice dancers rescue Canada's battered pride as they finally win some metals, temps drop below freezing for snow.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
A Matter Of Fat
Calif. insurer to face questioning over rate hike. Agree to lower it back if clients lose 50-100 pounds.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Leave Global Warming Alone
Coal-state Democrats oppose global-warming rules. So does Montana, North Dakota, Michigan, Minnesota, Alaska and Maine.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Almost 50/50
Infections in US hospitals kill 48,000, cost billions . "Yes, but how about the 47,000 who made it out?", ask surgeons.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Hospitals Infections Kill More Than Car accidents
Infections in US hospitals kill 48,000, cost billions. Doctors and aids told to was hands between seeing patients, leaving bathrooms.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Booty Can Help
U.S. Navy rescues Tanzanian ship, nabs 8 pirates. Will use booty to help pay for health care.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Timothy Leary Missed
Marijuana use by seniors goes up as boomers age. "Too bad Timothy Leary never lived to see this", observes one.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Seniors Enjoying Pot
Marijuana use by seniors goes up as boomers age. Combined smoke equal to nation's biggest factories.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Workers OK, But Shovels Lost
Driver recalls 6 miles of highway terror in Lexus. Ran over three dogs, one on a leash, & knocked seven state road workers off their shovels.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Discovery In Israel
Archaeologist sees proof for Bible in ancient wall. Atheist says they made it themselves and then buried it up ten years ago, using 3000-year-old bricks. He's instantly fried.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Toyota Apologizes Again
Toyota's US president apologizes for failures. "Blowout of windshields when hitting lady bugs a grave error on their part. Some days we're the bug."
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
More Toyota Recalls
Toyota's US president apologizes for failures. Heaters catching fire should never have...oh, you hadn't found that yet?"
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Toyota President Apologizes
Toyota's US president apologizes for failures. Both those discovered and yet to be discovered.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Obama Health Care Shady
Democrats cautiously embrace Obama health plan although still concerned about "suicide machine" as most are over a certain age.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
Gordon Brown Accused of Throwing a Tangerine
And Peter Mandelson Gobbled a Banana
written by Earl Grey, 23 February 2010
Hung Parliament Looms
As British public gets enough rope to hang the lot of them
written by Earl Grey, 23 February 2010
Wazu Matter with You
House Speaker Pelosi keeps trying to cram the health care reform public option down the American public's throat. The American public just wants her to cram the bill up her wazu!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Is Michael Steele (RNC Chairman) a Racist?
Democratic SML Reid is not labeled a racist by saying President Obama is light skinned & has no Negro accent. But, Democratic liberal left loons label those who disagree with the president racists.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Fool's Paradise
Americans haven't a king or a royal court. So how come there are so many fools in the Obama administration?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
EPA Evicted
The EPA has been evicted from their office building, as it has become infested with rats. So why not eradicate the rats? The Justice Department says the rats have Constitutional rights!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Definition of Democratic Liberal Insanity
Bush Administration investigated its lawyers over harsh interrogation methods. Obama's Justice Department did same. Senate Judiciary Committee is going to do it again, looking for a different result?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Defense Spending Song and Dance
Democratic left wing loons whine "its defense spending, not their entitlement programs that are causing the national debt." These are the same people who failed fifth grade arithmetic!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
VP Biden's Web Site
VP Biden's web site has a new logo, added since his latest orations, which reads "Would I Kid You!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Mechanic Sues Noted Brain Surgery Hospital
Joe a car mechanic suing for admission as a brain surgeon to a noted hospital was rejected for lack of training. His lawyer says "if President Obama can get on-the-job training why can't his client!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Kicking the Sex Habit
As part of Tiger's return to the links, he has to stop treating women as sex objects. He is enrolled in a class taught by Rosie O'Donnell and Christie Alley to help him achieve this goal!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Some Days the Bear gets You
The EPA sued the IRS for using too much paper and then too much electricity for computerized tax forms. The IRS switched to using animal skins for tax forms and is now being sued by PETA.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
IRS Announces New Policy
IRS announces that all tax returns will now be filled electronically, eliminating paper forms and saving trees. EPA sues IRS for using too much electricity, causing more so called greenhouse gasses!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
EPA Sues the IRS
The EPA sued the IRS for using too much paper for tax forms, thereby killing too many trees. A wise judge threw the case out, saying to the EPA where do you think your government money comes from.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Democratic Activists
The Democratic left pushing off-the-wall agendas, e.g. food police, are called activists. Democrats label Republicans & everyone else with concerns about government as Special Interests & Lobbyists!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Deficit Spending
A CEO and a board of directors who spend their corporation's funds wantonly are usually charged with embezzlement. So why aren't President Obama and Congress in Jail?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Congress Drops Prostitution Tax
Congress has dropped a proposed prostitution tax to help pay for part of health care reform. It appears too many members would be subject to this levy!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 February 2010
Starrin Bernie Madoff!
Bernie Madoff apparently playing Tevye in the prison performance of "Swindler On The Roof!"
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"When Will I Be Shoved?"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Elderly Brothers!Live But In Wheelchairs!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Go Your Own Way"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Fleet
Would Cack!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"I Had Too Much Too Cream Last Night"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Selected Prunes!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Frankenstain"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Edgar Weiner Grope. Special guests: The Easyseats!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Come A Little Bit Closer, I Cannot Hear Myself Fart!"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Jay & The Senior Americans.
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"I Got The Bedding Wet Blues"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Filth Dimension!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Life In The Gas Pain"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Pee Goes! with Country Joe & Fish, From Barney Miller!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"Get Down People! Get Up! I Said Get Up!"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Floors!
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
"The Fountain's High"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Dick and Wee Wee with The Doodletown Peckers
written by Bureau, 23 February 2010
