Bishop "Stole Own Cummerbund"
The Bishop of Ballybutton, one Mick Flanagan, of Goole, was arrested last night for stealing an 18th-century cummerbund belonging to the Bishop of Ballybutton.
written by Erskin Quint, 17 February 2010
Walliams Cross
Cross-dressing comic cross-channel swimming actor David Walliams got very cross yesterday when his 'noughty' nephew beat him at noughts and crosses.
written by Erskin Quint, 17 February 2010
First Quarter Down?
Economists predict first quarter losses as year gets off to a rough start in Afghanistan.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Robbie Williams a Hit at the Brits
Ageing former pop singer Robbie Williams won an award for being an ageing former pop singer winning a Brit Award at the Brit Awards last night. Williams won the award at the Brit Awards last night.
written by Erskin Quint, 17 February 2010
She Dumped Me, Judge
Man who spent thousands on girlfriend suing her in court over "illegal dumping".
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
How's That Again
Nursery assistant in Boston who cried rape is jailed for four months because 'she made genuine liars appear to look innocent', rules judge.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
"Shrove Tuesday Not What It Was" Claims Stroud Woman.
Shrove Tuesday is not what it used to be, claims Mrs Eleanor Buckle of Stroud. In a letter to The People's Friend magazine, Mrs Buckle, of Stroud, claims that Shrove Tuesday is no longer what it was. 'Shrove Tuesday is not what it used to be' writes Mrs Buckle in a letter to The People's Friend.
written by Erskin Quint, 17 February 2010
Biathlon Athlete Apologizes
A biathlon athlete apologizes for not realizing the rifle was not for shooting other skiers. Commented the athlete, "I seriously thought it was a paintball gun, and a last-man-standing format."
written by Nik Voelz, 17 February 2010
Surprised School Inspection
Lawmakers doing probe of E. coli and school lunches find kitchens with cobwebs on top stack of dishes, kid playing with himself in walk-in cooler, weapons of mass destruction.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Nothing damp about this coke stash
Mardi Gras = Arid Grams
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Fat Hitting Clowns
Thirty Nine clowns stuck in clown car come before congress asking for a bail out.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Politically Correct
PC brigade ban police from saying 'gang rape' as it is 'too emotive' Instead, use "penis crowd gathers".
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Blame lousy suspension for this one
The Vatican = Van Tit Ache
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Axis of evil nation's a lot falser
Sophia Loren = Phonier Laos
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
True or Spoof?
Which is true? Justin - son of "The Million Dollar Man" or Greece is going 'belly up'?
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
President Shoveling It, Alright
Obama says stimulus package is working. "Just look at all those part time jobs in the snow shoveling sector.!"
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Don't buy your cappucino here!
Elizabeth Taylor = Hazy Latte Boiler
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
She's a drinking song!
Elizabeth Taylor = Hazy Ale Libretto
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Kinda pecan pact zit?
Elizabeth Taylor = Hazel Treaty Boil
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Admit To Few Mistakes
CONGRESS INCUMBENTS HIT HISTORIC LOWS IN POLLS! Reid & Pelosi called "The Boobsy Twins".
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Marathon shagging queen
Elizabeth Taylpor = Royal Athlete Biz
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Sasquatch hates stripey jackets!
Elizabeth Taylor = Blazer-Loath Yeti
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Bigazzi Cousin To Hannibal?
Celebrity chef Beppe Bigazzi upsets viewers with his cat casserole, kid knee pie.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Tales Of Toyota
TOYOTA faces class-action problem; Claims could reach $3.6 billion. Will pay more if you'll accept the American dollar.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Drowning In Debt
Drowning in Debt: What the Nation's Budget Woes Mean for You, your family and which barracks you will be occupying after home sold.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Get a lungful, missus!
Elizabeth Taylor = Breathe Lazy Toil
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Warsaw hooker's tariff
Elizabeth Tayklor = Labia? Three Zloty
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
The Fuherer's hot plaything?
Elizabeth Taylor = Hitler Toy Ablaze
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Love that crazy Polish currency!
Elizabeth Taylor = A Heritable Zloty
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
She's on the wagon - just!
Elizabeth Taylor = Breathalyze Toil
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Has Special Odometer Showing 50 Miles
Electric cars are going to appear in showrooms any day now. Car makers say they'll be able to go up to 150 miles on a single charge, provided that you park & crank the lever in front every 50 miles.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Wild Scene
A wild scene at the end of the dog show in Madison Square Garden yesterday as the dogs went bonkers over the dropped confetti and the women went wild over the two muscle-bound janitors.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
No denying the Halliburton patronage
Capitol Hill = Oil Pact Hill
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Turn it over to growing jalapenos!
Capitol Hill = A Chilli Plot
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
Always suspected it was a handjob!
Capitol Hill = Phallic Toil
written by queen mudder, 17 February 2010
China has Wormhole 'scatter gun'
generates millions of tiny itty bitty goodie wormholes of one or two microns in diameter to controllably alter the weather.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
The Latest From American Idol
Ryan Seacrest's expense accounts being audited to see why 95% of his money is spent at beauticians.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Randy Jackson insists that this year, he wants a contestant to actually "sing the phone book."
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Paula Abdul's role will be missed this season. None of the judges have decided who will come to the tapings drunk.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Ellen Degeneres announces "just because I'm the shows token dyke doesn't mean that we can't have Lesbo contestants too."
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
"Vote for the Worst" announces that Adam Lambert won't be eligibile this year, even though he broke all their records last year.
written by unknown
Honda Recall
Japanese recall all Honda personal robots after being sued by 22 new eunuchs.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
The Latest From American Idol
Ryan Seacrest's laryangitis cuts show from two hours to fifteen minutes
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
When man in Arkansas asks "who gives a rat's ass about this show?", most local viewers mail in rat asses.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Adam Lambert will not be allowed back as a contestant (so that ratings may increase).
written by unknown
"When Wearing 'Gay Pride' T-Shirts....What?"
BBC in talks for the Pope to appear on Thought For The Gay. I'm sorry, that should be, Thought For The Day!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
The Latest From American Idol
Stretching thirty minutes or boring selection show into four hours over two nights still beats Olympic Curling in the ratings.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Producers to launch new spin-off series: "Who Can Spell and Pronounce Kara's Last Name?"
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Simon Cowell buys a button up shirt, but vows not to wear it unless Ryan comes out of the closet.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Simon Cowell's ego is still the biggest thing about the show.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Kara decides to be the newest Paula with crush on long haired contestant.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Randy Jackson's vow not to say "dawg" this season didn't last until the first commercial break.
written by unknown
The Latest From American Idol
Ryan Seacrest reveals that he bought Donny Osmond's teeth.
written by unknown
Legal Mumbo Jumbo!
The verdict on juries: Two-thirds of jurors do not understand judges' directions. Step into closets. Go to the wrong bathrooms.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Long Cold Winter
The worst cold snap for 20 years is turning Britain's lawns, male students stuck inside together, PINK!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Sony Recall?
Japanese may have to recall nearly one million Sony televisions as buyers claim there's nothing on worth seeing!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Japan Recalls Banks
Japanese Sumitomo Banking may have to recall their banks as three have roofs falling in, due to heavy snow.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
"No Old People Smell"
US company that no giant windmills will be built near retirement homes.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Ads To Be Turned Down
ITV finally censured for turning up volume on ads to annoyance of millions. I SAID, ITV FINALLY....hurt my throat.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Flaklands War II?
Tory anger at Argentina 'blockade' of Falkland Islands as row over oil drilling rights escalates. Chavez to receive proper dressing down.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Ready For High Adventure!
Exclusive: Princes William and Harry to go on first joint royal tour to Africa. Backpacks filled with Acapulco Gold!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Immediately Fall Off
Poor fit may explain why men refuse condoms, according to Jon Gosselin.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
New Hawaiian Programs
$600K awarded for Native Hawaiian programs. First off, a baked pig with an apple in it's mouth for every home!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Family Guy Attacked
Palin lashes out at 'Family Guy'. Tears cartoon character a new ass!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Israel Discovers Wine Press
Israel discovers large Byzantine-era wine press as apparently Byzantines had huge feet!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Obama: I Saved The Economy
Obama says stimulus bill saved troubled economy. You can all go out and purchase something silly now.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Biden His Foot Again
Biden on capital: 'Washington right now is broken!' This should help consumers regain positive outlook!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Zsa Zsa Babor's Husband California's Next Governor?
Prince Frederic von Anhalt reads like a tabloid writer's dream: 8th husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, lover of Anna Nicole Smith, self-proclaimed member of European royalty. In other words, PERFECT for Calif.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
'Human Error"
British Met Office used archived weather data from wrong supercomputer in predicting mild winter.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Sadie Wins!
Scottie Sadie wins best dog at Westminster after PETA protest. Susan Boyle comes in at #2.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Stimulus "Money's Worth" Though Still 10% Unemployment
Biden: US got 'money's worth' from stimulus act. Plus we built thirteen more bridges to nowhere, one in Afghanistan.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
"Surfing Dolphins" picture - worth $3.1 billion?
As part of Obama's economic stimulus package 3.1 billion dollars will be spent on answering the question: Do Dolphins Like to Surf?
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Sarkozy Visits Haiti
French President Sarkozy pays surprising visit to Haiti. Apparently thought he was head to Hawaii.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
I Was Flying Over The Clock Tower!
Hopeful talks about visions for university changes, as several students admit they were drunk when visions occurred.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Winter weather Continues
Wintry weather persists as experts predict it will last until Spring.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
US Sends Envoy Back To Syria
U.S. to return envoy to Syria after five-year absence. Asked if he had minded the waiting, states "Just as long as I was paid, I'd waited 15 years and retired.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Biden Flips Flops In Two Days
Biden worried about another terrorist attack. This after denying any possible terorist attack on news when former VP Cheney that one was more likely due to new government policies.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Gore Told Lyposcution Won't Help His Image!
Fat doctor refers him to brain surgeon for possible frontal lobe lobotomy.
Wags suggest half brain now matches his half assed approach to Global Warming!
written by unknown
Submarine Sighting In Orlando Lake a Hoax!
Marine Patrol investigated tourist sighting to discover it was Bargis Tryhol floating on his back during morning work out. After lowering his periscope, BT was allowed to continue exercise.
written by unknown
Murtha's Last Earmark to Cost Taxpayer's $5B!
Recently departed corrupt pol John Murtha arranged for a slots casino at the John Murtha Airport, legalized prostituion, and mandated that just because he died didn't mean he couldn't vote any more.
written by unknown
Napalatano Buys Collection of Kelvar Pants Suits!
Spokeman says $500k expenditure necessary to combat terroritst threats saying "hey, all the other Hummers have them!" Unfortunatlely, Pentagon says she is NOT being deployed to the Mexican Border!
written by unknown
Greeks Blow Up Bank in Fit of Pique!
EU members Spain and Portugal applaud act: if Greeks can't get anymore money, neither should anyone else. Nigeria, Turkey, Detroit and California await approval to join the federation.
written by unknown
British Met Office predicts snowstorm made up of quarks and gluons
in line with previous weather forecasts predicting warm winter and sizzling British summer
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Government Earmark Finally Pays off for South Carolina!
After 10 years of inactivity fleet of snow plows at Myrtle Beach Airport deployed during recent 3" Snow Fall! Batteries were dead, tires flat, and plow hydraulics froze up due to lack of mainenance.
written by unknown
Another Japanese Car Recall
Toyota now probes Corolla steering problem, fat Americans getting stuck in the Yaris!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Alabama College says Muderous Professor Seemed 'Normal' to Them!
Backround shows alleged pipe bomb threat at former job, killed her brother, beat up woman in restaurant over highchair, and bothed robbery. She also was univited guest at White House at "Retard Week."
written by unknown
$50,000 A Month To Mia Farrow & 50 Adopted Kids.
Kevin Eubanks exiting as Leno bandleader. New bandleader said to be Woody Allen.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Brit Hacker Accused of Hacking Porno onto Moscow Street Screen!
Officials say perp was out of work computer genius with time on his hands.
Earl Grey says he's not out of work and has his hands full, most of the time, usually after his wife gets home.
written by unknown
Ex Pat in Thailand Questioned Over Multiple Identities!
Security Officials concerned when body scan show both Tits and Balls and discover 4 pass ports for both sexes. Brit says he only uses female ones to confuse Jman and claims he really isn't 21 and hot!
written by unknown
Hawaii Very Happy
Happiest States: Hawaii Moves into First Place! "We were so happy that we actually rolled on the floor laughing at the airport, before we were greeted!", stated one couple.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Hawaii Overcomes Arkansas
Happiest States: Hawaii Moves into first place Arkansas now #2 as number of visitors who point and laugh themselves sick, down.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
63% of Americans Say Incumbants Must Go!
Obama agrees, prepares to set up Monarchy....he's got the EARS for it!
written by unknown
Westminister Dog Show Attracts Arkansas Viewers in Droves!
Most said they were disappointed and didn't understand the promo touting
"Best Inbreed." All thought they were tuning into Miss Arkansas Beauty Pagent.
written by unknown
Hawaii Happiest
Happiest States: Hawaii moves into first place, after Hula girls great passenger with flower leis, grass skirts.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Don't Use Spin Dry
Japanese may recall Toshiba washing machines as spin cycle jars them loose in Hot Springs, Arkansas and eventually out the door and past a runaway Camry.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Clinton Collapse Linked to Vertigo!
Proctologist said President lost consciousness when all the blood in his body rushed to his Penis. Hillary denies she caused relapse. Everybody believes her!
written by unknown
Toshiba Recall?
Japanese may recall Toshiba washing machines as spin cycle bouncing dryers chase Laundromat users out the door.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
52% of Americans Say 'No" to Obama 2nd Term!
Funny how they can always smell a loser, but can't pick a winner!
written by unknown
Japanese Woes
Japanese may recall Toshiba washing machines as spin cycle on some throw clothes to stick on the ceiling.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Japanese Products Fail
Japanese may recall all Karaoke units due to reports that many back-up vocals in Japanese.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Cheryl Cole Gives Birth to virtual Elephant
at "feisty Brits performance" - thinking an elephant was heading their way - audience ran for their lives
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Show Goes To The Dogs
Scottie Sadie wins Westminster after PETA protest by two more bitches carrying signs.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Bayh Says Good-By
Disillusioned Bayh advocates electoral "shock" to broken system. "But wait until I'm gone."
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Kint Tut Tooted Off!
A frail King Tut died from malaria, broken leg, severe gas attack.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Tut Used For Target Practice?
A frail King Tut died from malaria, broken leg, 37 bullet wounds.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
King Tut, What A Nut!
A frail King Tut died from malaria, broken leg, vision of horrible song about him by Steve Martin.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Tut Shipped Upside Down
A frail King Tut died from malaria, broken leg. Actually leg may have been broken during shipment. Let's just say malaria.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
King Tut
After mummy examined: A frail King Tut died from malaria, broken leg, curse of previous king.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
More Problems For Japan
Toyota probes Corolla steering, considers recall. Toshiba computers acting strange.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Now It's Corolla
Toyota now probes Corolla steering problem, considers recall!
May just recall all newer cars and get it over with.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Iranian Woman Skier Admits "It's All Downhill From Here"
An Iranian woman skier at the Winter Olympics has admitted that her training may work against her. "There's snow and ice here" she said.
written by Earl Grey, 17 February 2010
Obama staffer 'gained access to sensitive files'
Specifically, Professor Phil Jones 'missing raw climate data files"
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
F15 undercarriages collapsing at higher rates
F15 repair technicians suspect F22s are to blame, "They must be parking on them".
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
"Short Pickings"
F22s pick pockets on State Street Chicago and on 'Avenues of the Americas" in Manhattan
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Deadly Belgian Rail Crash
Caused by inappropriately parked F22 - but will never come out in the press.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Confused?
Turns out that the supposed 5th generation F22s are in fact 6th Generation F22 transformers
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Off secret F22 production line: Vertical take-off super-cruise F22
can't be cut by Obama, because no one knows where they are.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
5th Generation F22s seek out "X-Generation"
Some F22s think members of teh X-Generation are 'the competition', said Pentagon Air Vice Marshall General.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
'Population Control'
On-base Pizza delivery van accidentally takes out line of parked F22s; F22s take out all Pizza delivery vans in existence; students and couch potatoes starve to death.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Giving G5 fighters animal and human personalities
F22: snippet; F35: slinky cat; F15: girl next door; F16: hedgehog; F4s (mothballed): Welsh Corgi; F18As: rabbit; Pentagon's secret Space Shuttle: Owl; Aura (still classified): British robin
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
F22s "clean house"
F15s going AWOL - assumed shot down by F22s anxious for more runway space.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
F22s - pilot injuries up
Said pilots: "We keep walking into them".
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Fight breaks out between F22s and F35s
Pentagon top brass: "We think so, but can't be sure - it's hard to see them fighting."
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Can't be found anywhere - especially at bath time
Super-Stealthy F22s
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
President Obama has done
what Al Qaeda couldn't do: rip the heart out of America's soul
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Super-Stealthy F22 scout out parking spots
found hiding in the bushes in Obama's back yard back in Chicago - Mayor Daley responds, "What's the big deal, I have them in my backyard too."
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Obama had journalists rolling in the aisles
Obama's opening line at his latest Press Conference: "I'm as tough as Ronald Reagan"
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Pentagon secretly activates
miniature transparent deadly silent 'autonomous swords' of the "Screamer Variety" as defined by the late Phillip K. Dick.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Court Marshall for
Totally secret weapons programmer who gave his fridge-freezer high-velocity ice-cube making capacity
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Lawn Mower chip reprogrammed by a rogue ICBM technician goes 'tits up'
Grass mower deploys multiple re-targetable law mower blades able to change their trajectory 'in flight' while 'in flight'.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Giving ICBMs 'personality' full of unintended consequences
Lone ICBM 'went off reservation' when it activated its on-board target designator. Turned out the ICBM's priority target was a tennis ball left out on a neighbour's lawn.
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
News Headline: "Obama grants funding for new nuclear reactors"
Said Obama: "Well, it's like this, if You Can't Beat the Iranian Regime - Join Them".
written by Tcoah, 17 February 2010
Wouldn't Have Suspected
A behind the scenes report from the Winter Olympics says that most two-man luge teams are gay.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Vote Republican
Six good reasons to vote Republican in November 2010: VP Biden; HS Pelosi; SML Reid; Rep. Frank; Sen. Franken & Rep. Conyers. Unfortunately, many of the middle-of-the-road Democrats are also retiring.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 February 2010
Wrong Day
February 15, 2010 is Presidents Day. House Speaker Pelosi thought it was Pelosi day!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 February 2010
President Obama to get out More
White House advisors are trying to get President Obama out of Washington DC more often. A Republican Party spokesman says that is our goal too, in 2012!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 February 2010
"Only the Shadow Knows"
House Speaker Pelosi must be the Shadow! That is because she feels she is the only one who knows what health care reform the American public should have.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 February 2010
Constitutional Change
An addition to the current Constitutional requirements to be a member of the US Congress has been proposed. The added sentence specifies that a candidate for office must have a brain!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 February 2010
Still Working On It
Tiger Woods offers Elin the "concubines solution", hit with 5 iron this time.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Roof Caving In
Heavy snow caves in roof of meeting of specialists of global warming. Two injured, 1 million laughing till their sides hurt.
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Oh Canada!
Olympic viewers in America seem to be saying, "We oughta go up there one of these days. It would give us a whole new lookout on the world, I bet."
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
Arkansas #58
Arkansas Sheriff: Mexican people flubs our English speech till I plumb can't tell what they's sayin'. Bunch of gibberish. Speak Americanish!
written by Bureau, 17 February 2010
