NJ Man Goes Cukoo For Cocoa Puffs
Clyde Torkel of Bayonne, NJ, dropped his pants and ran down the street throwing handfuls of the Cocoa Puffs into the air. It took seventeen EMT's to sedate Torkel. He is now in custody.
written by Daniel Bristol, 16 February 2010
Jiminy Cricket Buried After Making Mistake As Pinocchio's Conscience
When you are an insect wanting someone to hurry up, never say "step on it!"
written by unknown
Obama renews "The War on Poverty"
France surrenders.
written by unknown
Hickory Daquiri, Doc?
I don't care what the swizzel stick is made of, just give me the damned drink!
written by unknown
Who't the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
Not some mouse, say most men. Give us a girl with nice hooters.
written by unknown
Hey Diddle Diddle
Scientists say that cats can't play the fiddle.
written by unknown
Paper or Plastic
Doctors say that sheepskin and rubber are more effective.
written by unknown
Paper or plastic?
Men prefer natural flesh or silicone implants instead.
written by unknown
Notes From The Olympic Village
Canadian women's hockey team that scored eighteen goals said that they didn't try to run up the score...against the American Men's soccer team.
written by unknown
Notes From The Olympic Village
American Women upset at curling competition...."we brought our curling irons, mousse, conditioner, and hair spray, and didn't need any of it."
written by unknown
Notes From The Olympic Village
International Ski Federation wants more minority participants....not for racial diversity, but because it's easier to spot them on the snow.
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
Barbara Bach says "she should have stayed married to her Beatle. I've been with Ringo for 30 years and we've never run out of money."
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
She's burning the furniture, and old legs, just to stay warm.
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
Check her closet. Did she break the Imelda Marcos shoe record?
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
Can someone give her a hand? (since she has a few extra legs in the closet)
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
Tries to sell naked pictures of herself for money, but they're already all over the internet.
written by unknown
Look Behind You, Al
Poor Kirstie Alley can't win. Now Al Gore is talking about fining people over carbon ass prints.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
Asks Tiger Woods if she can marry him (since he likes blonde gold diggers) for a few years.
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
Splinters from that wooden leg ruined $50 million worth of nylons.
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
....and nothing went to help the Haitian refugees.
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
If Paul had given her $75 million instead, she could have lasted another six months
written by unknown
Heather Mills McCartney Announces She's Broke
It cost lots of money to buy razors that only shave one leg.
written by unknown
Obama Going Nuclear
President Obama goes nuclear, wants two new plants built. "Well, if you can't build nuckular plants, these will have to do", states man on the street in Crawford, Texas.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Erie Freezes Over
Lake Erie Frozen over for the first time in 14 years. "Gives you an eerie feeling just looking at it", says new weekend weatherman.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Toyota Temporarily Closes Plants
Report: Crisis-hit Toyota to idle two US factories after worker driving Camry out of factory takes off across the field at 110 MPH!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Fur The Good Times
Fur makes a comeback: Cold Winter inspires fashion designers, paint throwers.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Iran Acting Suspiciously
Iran wants to supply friends in region with nuclear energy, especially Hamas, PLO, Hezbollah, Taliban, Al_Qaida and Tony Bitchtits visiting from Jersey.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Census Wasted
Audit finds US census preparations wasted millions by hiring people who can't count.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Arkansas #57
Maggoty, Arkansas man gets too close to outdoor grill as hair grease fire leaves him bald, ruins the barbecued sow belly. Then he's arrested for forcing laughing neighbor to eat it.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Arkansas #56
Near-sighted health freak in Maggoty, Arkansas drinks eight full gallons of water a day. Drowns.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Oprah Loses Money
Forbes magazine is reporting that Oprah Winfrey lost $400 million last year. Oprah says she found too late that she had a hole in her pants pocket.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Flashing Red Light
Biden flashes red light at Obama, "Stop your high-spending agenda or the Democratic majorities in both houses will be wiped out in November."
written by Tcoah, 16 February 2010
Most Teenagers Get Alcohol From Parents, Study Reveals
With Tesco's new six cans for the price of four it woks out cheaper than pocket money.
written by Earl Grey, 16 February 2010
Man Holds Breath For World Record Time
Thousands to attend funeral tomorrow.
written by Earl Grey, 16 February 2010
Tesco's REALLY Suck!
A human fly scaled a wall just like Spiderman using just two Tesco vacuum cleaners. A spokesman said: "Eat your hearts out Dyson!"
written by IN SEINE, 16 February 2010
Shoe Bomber's Brother
Idiot suicide terrorist blows up old movie set of "The West Wing".
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
New Reality Show
New television reality show, "Name & Shame" already facing a lot of lawsuits.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Michelle Seroius About Health
Michelle Obama has long walk constructed near Senate in new health drive. "As examples, Senators, Congressmen will have to walk 'the walk' before they can talk the talk.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Apple Rules!
Study says apples have controlled man's destiny. First Adam & Eve, hit Newton on the head, Music Company & Computers along with billions brought to school teachers.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Record Number!
Record number of women now in the Senate and Congress. Will be featured in May issue of Hustler.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Obama Reminds Americans
President Obama in his Tuesday morning speech, reminded Americans that there's only 318 shopping days until Christmas.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Lots Of Gift Ideas
After reviewing final sales numbers for the fourth quarter, 99-Cent stores say their sales were up over 30%!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Yao Top Player
Yao Ming voted by fans as top NBA player of all time. Beats Jordan, Chamberlain, Jabber by four million votes.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Over Clinton's Bad Heart Condition
Both Burger Kings close in former President Clinton's Library.
McDonalds, Wendys and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts all that are left.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
NKorea Is Out!
North Korea has been kicked out of the Axis Of Evil after Leader, Kim shows up at meeting in Donald Duck outfit.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Concert Injuries Up!
Study: Injuries at Rock & Roll concerts up nearly 25%. Experts blame the age of the old performers.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Illegal Alien Vote
Report: Illegal aliens in California, Texas and Area 51 are beginning to lean towards Republicans for 2012.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Harrah's Classics
Harrah's Casinos welcome 100,000th Has-Been for this weekend's live performance. This weekend's stars: Peter Frampton & Kermit the Frog!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Harrah's Presents
Harrah's Casinos welcome 100,000th Has-Been for this weekend's live performance. This weekends big show: Gary Lewis and Tennille!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Come-Back Kids
Harrah's Casinos welcome 100,000th Has-Been for this weekend's live performance. Get your seats now for the big Ringo and Art Garfunkle blowout!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Soon Be Approaching Bush Numbers
Democrats blame Barack Obama's drop in the national polls on Newton's Law!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
More Trouble
Reports this morning that police have discovered an FBI mole in the CIA.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Larry King On Twitter
It's been reported that Larry King has opened a Twitter account. The first messages is signed:"The Galloused Phallas"
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
"Oh You Kid!"
It's been reported that Larry King has opened a Twitter account. So far, it's been "Kilroy was here", "Don't take any wooden nickels" and "23 skidoo!"
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Larry King Twitter
It's been reported that Larry King has opened a Twitter account. So far he's stated, "Here's me at the Alamo with Davy Crockett. Got out just in time."
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
"Bring Me The Comfy Chair!"
The questioning of captured top Taliban militant commander Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar isn't going well. He steadfastly refuses to have anything to do with the milk and cookies being offfered him.
written by Adam Click, 16 February 2010
Tough Enough
Study: Tough love 'is good for children' Also, 'Tough luck!" when they keep asking for money.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
No Discipline
Quarter of parents avoid disciplining their children for fear of upsetting them. "The 16-year-old and his friends beat the crap out of us last time!"
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
They Mean Well
Quarter of parents avoid disciplining their children for fear of upsetting them, having house set on fire.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Teen Really Excited
'Whatever': Teenage daughter's hilarious reaction to £56m EuroMillions jackpot win, while both parents shit pants.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Some Cause Migraines
Only in Vegas: The magic carpets designed to keep you awake and gambling. Bright colored flower designs better than free coffee.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
So Now What?
Baby boomers urged to shed 'spare tyre' in new campaign to tackle obesity. Many seen placing them in their garages this morning.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Credit Where Credit's Due
Hunt for the blonde 'assassin': 'Hit squad' with British passports accused of executing senior Hamas leader in Dubai 5-star hotel, did a 5-star job of it.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Dogs, Owners Finally Back Together
America's top dog show starts with Razzle Dazzle as some joker lets a squirrel loose.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Wall Street: Say Cheese!
Kraft Cheese Foods 4Q profit more than triples, sales up. Makers of laxatives jubilant, accident prone!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Clinton Warns Saudis In Speech
Clinton warns of Mideast nuclear arms race. "Could get out of hand. Destroy the earth. Just saying."
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Back To Square One
Obama seeks return to campaign-style discipline. Plans to spend entire year going from city to city for 2012 re-election campaign. US problems can wait.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Kid Wanting Off School?
Clearing roads in winter requires snowphistication! "You have to be very careful when shoving aside 12-foot tall snowmen built in the roads.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Bayh Goes For Good
Bayh cites strident partisanship in leaving Senate. "Paper wad battle lasted two days. Janitors quit."
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Bayh Says Good-Bayh
Bayh cites strident partisanship in leaving Senate. "One 'Did/Did Not' argument lasted for 45 minutes."
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Bayh Quits
Bayh cites strident partisanship in leaving Senate. "Can't even agree on what not to agree upon."
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Nothing Getting done
Bayh cites strident partisanship in leaving Senate. Reports two hour staring contests between Dems & GOP.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Say That Again!
White House defends year-old stimulus. "It slowed our progress of going backwards", says Joe Biden.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Mardi Gras To Begin
New Orleans readies for Mardi Gras. "We have plenty of floats should a dike break", says Mayor.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
French Experimented On Own Troops
France used troops as nuclear "guinea pigs" in 1960's. Left them in the open to study nuclear effects. Then placed them running on a big wheel after elusive croissant.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Ruling The Roost
Taliban's top military commander captured. Placed on the very top o pile of naked prisoners.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Big Bang
Hottest temperature ever causes science group meeting to discuss the Global Warming by running through the grounds naked! "Everyone got so hot and bothered", it turned into the Big Bang Theory,
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Too Much Global Warming
Florida family gives up on small-town North Dakota and heads back to Florida as soon as somebody helps dig them out of three-foot snow.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Florida Famil Returns
Florida family gives up on small-town North Dakota after meeting three people in the past two years.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Cameron Calls Brown 'A Donkey'
"Hee-haw. Hee-haw. Hee-halways calls me that. I have no idea why," brays Brown.
written by Skoob1999, 16 February 2010
Nascar Driver gives up driving
Nascar Driver Peter Wright has given up driving because he could never get to his destination because he could not stop taking left turns
written by SPECTRUM, 16 February 2010
A little boy was introduced to the concept of a 'right angled triangle'
he dutifully concluded that if there is a right-angled triangle there must be a 'left-angled triangle'. The boy's surname? Biden.
written by Tcoah, 16 February 2010
Nancy Pelosi Full of Shit, Scientists Say
Nancy Pelosi has been discovered by Scientists at Brigham Young University to be totally full of shit. This comes after the recent discovery that Democrats are total bat-shit loons.
written by Daniel Bristol, 16 February 2010
Throw In Schwarzenegger!
President Obama met with Mexican President Calderon & they discussed the immigration problem. Among things discussed was a trade, all illegal immigrants head to California and we give it to Mexico.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Supreme Court Ruling
Today in a suprise move, the U.S. Supreme Court struck itself down.
written by Boone Adams, 16 February 2010
Hillary Flies to be by Bills Side!
She made it very clear that it was by his side; not under, on top of, in back of, and God Forbid in Front Of, the former President. Aides said Bill was overjoyed also.
written by unknown
The Big Three In Action!
Makers of Cialis, Levitra and Viagra stocks climb as they point the way to a recovering economy.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Pot Cures
Study: Legal use of marijuana for medical reasons creating a huge buzz around clinics!
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Bird Talk!
A bird in the hand claims that those two in the bush are nothing but perverts.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Stupid Sunspots!
Men on Mars say that recent sunspots ruining their reception of girly shows from Venus.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Average Complaint
Average call during Super Bowl was complaints from viewers that silly people chasing pigskin was interrupting some great commercials.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
Pre-Census Poll Completed
Census Poll: Average politician 49, balding, takes Viagra and penis enlargement medication, and that's just the women.
written by Bureau, 16 February 2010
