Princess Anne Tweet
Father Christmas is an old fattie.
written by Catherine the Average, 15 December 2010
A fruitcake dating from 17,000 BCE found in Western Australia
Anthropologists claim the fruitcake found in Kimberley, Western Australia is still edible. It's believed, Homo erectus would leave a fruitcake in front of a cave as a sign of displeasure.
written by JAB, 15 December 2010
Congressmen pile on the earmarks before the holiday recess
Congressmen Dick, Weiner, Wang and Johnson have earmarked five million dollars for a study of erectile dysfunction.
written by JAB, 15 December 2010
California diversity law requires two new reindeer
"We welcome, Murray and Kinshasa to join our eight other reindeer, as mandated by California's diversity law," said a senior elf, from the North Pole.
written by JAB, 15 December 2010
At Last!
They have found it! and no one is happier than them.
Now, what do they do with it?
written by armfeetandtoe, 15 December 2010
Double Amputee who can't find arse with both hands elected to Parliament!
The new PM, Mamoud ShaBoob was welcomed by Harridan Harmon who said "He'll be right at home here." Mamoud lost his limbs after being caught wanking in public, and stealing from the local bomb fund!
written by unknown
Canadian Proctoligist Forced to Move after "running out of Arseholes!"
After a period of intense study and soul searching, Dr. Nicholas said he was still torn between relocating to either Boston or Washington DC, saying "Demographics have proven I'll be up to me elbows.
written by unknown
Anonymous To Protest Worldwide By Having Unprotected Sex
Millions sign up to show solidarity with the embattled Wikileak founder.
written by Hawking's Chair, 15 December 2010
Christmas Cards
Any more Christmas cards with snow scenes and I will have a bonfire on Christmas Day. These daily reminders of the recent cold misery will be burnt to ashes in a Saturnalian orgy.
written by j.w., 15 December 2010
Assange's Bail Put Up By Condom Companies
Wikileak founder bailed out by makers of rival brands "Whole-In-One" and "Cover-Up". "Sales have been boosted after people saw what worse could happen if you didn't use one," says one manufacturer.
written by Hawking's Chair, 15 December 2010
Top Tip:
When solving crosswords, remember: you can only write one letter in a box where answers cross.
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 15 December 2010
Scandal as 200 Tons of 'grit' found spoiled and Unusable in London!
'elf & safety officials fuming after it's found stored grit is laced with feces from cats. "Can't put this shit on the M5," said one," can't trust nothing from China these days, all shit, innit?
written by unknown
Unauthorized Housing Developments Springing Up all over London!
Officials gobsmacked as Igloo Colonies are appearing on public grounds formerly reserved for royal events. Prince Charles commented, "Well, maybe if the sun comes out they'll go back to the circus!"
written by unknown
Tourist in Dubai Stoned over Head Gear!
Said the bruised and bleeding bloke, "How was I to know that these folks don't look kindly on Pork Pie Hats....never had no trouble in Portsmouth...crazy innit?
written by unknown
Bureau Admits: Snippets Really are a 'pain in the Arse!"
The veteran writer says he's been bending over so long trying to keep up the pace and please his fans, that he's been forced to take a break.
"Frankly, I just can't be arsed for awhile," he said.
written by unknown
Spoof Publishes 'Collected Works of John Peurach'
The 1,456,432 word treatise has been acclaimed "Herculean" in breath and scope, and led wordsmith Erskine Quint to proclaim the effort "Peurachian", as he struggled with the English Translation.
written by unknown
Clinton/Gore Share Antique 'Partners' Desk' in Oval Office!
Said Sarah Palin, "Well, at least the half arsed Bird Brained Bastards are finally getting together in one place so we can keep an eye on 'em...they're still not worth one in the BUSH!
written by unknown
Coalition Claims Swedish Bomber was Not Muslim Terrorist!
Clegg says reports from neighborhood claim man was despondent when he could no longer give his wife 'explosive orgasms" and she told him to
'go blow yourself' in feminist rant inspired by MP Harmon.
written by unknown
Gore Tells Global Warming Disbelievers They'll "Burn In Hell"
Gore was wildly cheered at London's Global Warming Conference by Freezing Brits reduced to burning buses, police cars, and Tabloid News stands in order to keep warm.
written by unknown
Reincarnated Mother Teresa sighted in Bangalore, India!
The sight of a renicarnated Mother Teresa has stopped the traffic in Bangalore, a miracle! She was seen feeding stray dogs, a miracle! And the location has now become a religious shrine, a miracle!
written by unknown
Princess Anne Tweet
Row with Mummy over remark to pensioner, then she offers to make me Duchess of Catarrh. Might do, tho.
written by Catherine the Average, 15 December 2010
Indian "Holy Cows" train to become traffic police!
Traffic in Indian's major cities is total madness and the police cannot stop it so "Holy Cows" are to be employed, they're the only one's that can, stop it, that is!
written by unknown
Man United's Bangalore restaurant forced to close, it's too dangerous!
Man United's brand new restaurant in Bangalore, India, has been closed because pedestrians attempting to enter it are being constantly attacked by maniac drivers wearing fake Fly Emirate shirts!
written by unknown
Julian Assange to be out on bail
He'll be out on bail soon, the £200,000 will be fronted by sexy socialite Jemima Khan, she's agreed for him to stay with her on condition that he wears a tag connected to a condom, for safety reasons.
written by Julian Shure, 15 December 2010
Sick Joke
The change your picture to a favourite cartoon character from your childhood, to highlight child abuse on Facebook, the popular social network was proven to be a hoax, orchestrated by Pedobear.
written by Julian Shure, 15 December 2010
Berlusconi Survives By A Hair
It's just a figure of speech...
written by Hawking's Chair, 15 December 2010
Princess Anne Tweet
Patients at Lumpydown Children's Hospital less worried about illness now I've told them there's no Santa.
written by Catherine the Average, 15 December 2010
