For Fuck's Sake
Why do people put apostrophes where they are not required?
written by Blazing Saddle, 26 November 2009
Imprisoned Child Molesters To Be New Postal Service "Santa"
The USPS will no longer send "Santa Letters" from the North Pole, so child molesters will now do the writing.
"Makes sense," said a Postal Service spokesmen, "They really know how to talk with them."
written by tlmedia, 26 November 2009
Obama Identity Theif Caught
Man who stole President Barack Obama's identity arrested after no awards found in the man's house.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Obama: Is A Tony Award Next?
Bestseller, "The Audacity Of Hope" to be turned into high stepping,fan dancing, butt shaking Broadway musical! Obama nominated for a Tony!
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Kid's Show Downsized
There was a big layoff of Sesame Street workers over the weekend. You'll still have Miss Piggy, Kermit, Oscar, etc. but they will be sock puppets.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Cold Fusion Possible
Former President Bill Clinton says that he knows that cold fusion is possible. "Hillary and I had Chelsea, didn't we?"
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Obama: Less Carbon Footprints
President Obama: Remember folks, during the last depression we learned to use a lot less carbon footprints.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Economy Out Of Control
Federal Chairman Ben Bernanke stated this morning that the U.S. economy is spiraling totally out of control but at least it's not stagnant.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Toys For Tits
Due to nation's economic woes, Toys For Tits are basically down to multi-colored tassels.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Obama pardons Turkey and causes a political crisis!
Thanksgiving and Obama in the season of goodwill pardoned Turkey, Istanbul promptly replied, "what the f**k have we done now!" Gurgel, Gurgel, Gurgel!
written by unknown
Celebrating Early
Bombs shake Iraq before Muslim holiday. "Just a little early celebration", say leaders.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Just Funded $10M Missions
Members of congress fighting to volunteer to go to different islands to see if they can track down crooked, hard drinking, casino going offshore tax cheats, the lowdown rats!
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Earth Will Recover
Latest UN Report: global warming recovery from damage will take 1,000 years. Be sure and stock up.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
"Smell That Radium!"
Japan has certified a former Nagasaki resident as the only known survivor of both Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but he can only live in Chernobyl or he will melt.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Day-O!! Bang!
UN troop from Cuba shot after 100th singing of "Come, Mr. Taliban, tally me banana", by his own troops.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Doesn't Add Up
Somewhat of a puzzle as the OctoMom brought home eight kids and already had six but still count 15 every time she counts. Hospital and neighbors checking heads. "Hope one ain't 2-headed" states Nayda.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
White House Looking For Taxes
The White House said it would launch a search for new tax revenues, perhaps another 12 cents a gallon on gas without telling anyone since it goes up & down all the time anyway.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
"Take This Margarine & Stuff It!
Family in Ohio who brought home tub of margarine sues company over it giving them a good cussing for leaving it in the car and getting too hot.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Sarkozy Solution for French Recession
President Sarkozy has invited fugitive Polanski to France to re-arrest him to get him to hand over three million Euros in bail money which will go to cover State's health scheme deficit.
written by French Marilyn, 26 November 2009
Illinois wife beaters organization merges with Chicago Gay/Lesbian Alliance
New group to be called the Fudge Smackers.
written by unknown
Americans wish everyone in the world a Happy Thanksgiving
Except beaners, rag heads, sand niggers, chinks, wops, wogs, dagos, frogs, jungle bunnies, gooks, fudge packers,....
written by unknown
Objects That Shaped Mankind
Radio 4: They are the 100 objects that helped shape the course of human history, all of them weapons.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Martian Bugs Here On Earth
Fossils of Martian bugs found on meteorite that landed on Earth 13,000 years ago, may have BEEN Martians!
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
French Warn Immigrants Headed For Britain
French border police discover 12 lorries packed with British-bound migrants. Send them on their way with a warning: Watch out for the blood pudding!"
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Brown Cracking Up?
Brown to push for law reform so succession can lead to females being on the throne. Queen not amused.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
War Memorial Pisser Doing Public Service
Binge-drinking student who urinated on war memorial is spared jai. Will do community service posing as a statue in Pigeon Park.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Prison Raffle Today
Prisoners are entering a raffle competition, with a first prize of a day out. "I plan to kill as many people as possible", says one hopeful.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Part Of Teaching Program
Married RE teacher Madeleine Martin jailed after seducing schoolboy, 15, on Facebook. Class said she often spoke fondly of Roman Polanski.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Blair & Bush Mounted Up, Rode Off Into Sunset
Blair and Bush 'agreed' on Iraq regime change in secret 2002 Crawford Ranch meeting. Decided to 'head 'em up, move 'em out!"
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
ClimateGate Deepens
Climate change scandal deepens as BBC expert claims he was sent leaked emails six weeks ago. "Deep Float" still not identified.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
"Here, Taste This Latte!"
Brazil's coffee industry is engaged in a tireless battle against rogue roasters who cut corners and costs by bulking up their products with corn, soy, dried horse shit or even wood.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
The Amtrak Caravan
Amtrak trains to be busy with travelers as gypsies steal tickets, travel in style.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
18.2 Million Were Mormons!
An estimated 19.2 million people watched Donny Osmond win "Dancing With the Stars", the smallest audience for the show's finale since the first season. Just like the old "Osmond" Show.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
HIV Spreading Caused By Sex!
UNAIDS: Sex main cause for HIV spreading in China. Not toilet seats as originally thought.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Global Warming Could Save Lies
A new report shows that curbing global warming will save lies, embarrassments.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Couldn't Drive Anyway
Tight economy forces some to stay home for holiday, drink more since they don't have to drive. Get into holiday spirits early. Take part in The Running Of the WalMart lines!
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
China To Boast Energy Efficiency
China announces plan to boost energy efficiency by quit heating homes with old recalled leaded products.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Obama/GOP Differ...No, Really!
Obama and GOP differ over recipe for jobs, economy, how to stuff a turkey's ass.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Polanski Leaves Zurich Jail
Roman Polanski will leave a Zurich jail to house arrest in his Alpine chalet, Swiss authorities said Thursday, adding that the process will last at least another day to recover from severe wrist slap.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Camel Invasion Repelled
Invading camels to be shot in Australian town. Also kangaroos, wallabies who have sided with the invaders.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
"Global Warming-Gate" Ignored!
Obama to plead US case at global warming summit as world leaders whistle past recent proof of global warming scams, false science.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Cows produce more milk when they listen to Jedward
Farmers claim that their cows produce up to 10% more milk when they listen to Jedward. However, "it do turn sour quickly" said one Dorset farmer. The Milk Marketing board have already bought 200 CDs.
written by IN SEINE, 26 November 2009
Unprecedented Gall!
The White House's unprecedented use of 'unprecedented' as Obama destroys 238 years of nation's history.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Hear With Our Skin
We not only hear with our ears, but also through our skin, according to a new study, at the Timothy O'Leary Institute of Higher Learning.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Uninveted Crash President's Party
Couple slips though security to crash state dinner. No security checks. Spend time with VP Joe Biden & crowd.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Still Enough Fat To Go Around
Tight economy forces some to stay home for holiday. Eat twice as much as any other day.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Tremendous!!!!!!!
The "prince" of the self-proclaimed principality of Seborga near the Italian Riviera His Tremendousness Giorgio I, has died at the age of 73. The funeral service promises to be tremendous!
written by IN SEINE, 26 November 2009
Best Punned healine for 2009
Daily Telegraph: "Mass" coverup of sexual abuse by Catholic Priests. This was used to report on widespread child sexual abuse by Catholic priests in Dublin.
written by IN SEINE, 26 November 2009
Penis transplant complications
A 32-year-old man from Lancaster had a pioneering penis transplant today, however, his hand rejected it.
written by norma snockers, 26 November 2009
Note Quite A Centerfold
Playmate Jayde Nicole says 'Hills' co-star Audrina Patridge wanted to be a centerfold, but didn't make the cup...cut.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Palin Advises Moms
Sarah Palin motivates mothers to launch their own political campaigns, hold a job, home school kids, volunteer free time, shit gold bricks.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Lost Boy Found
Lost boy found wandering N.Y. subway. Peter Pan returns and takes him back to Never Never Land.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Google Sorry About Image
Google sorry for Mrs. Obama image. Say she needs to go to beauty shop more often.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Omamas On Oprah
Obamas to appear on Oprah special. President will bow, make apologizes, do penance, 25 Hail Oprahs!"
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Guantanamo Closer Quits
The official in charge of closing the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, detention center has resigned, the Pentagon said Wednesday. "They can wipe those murderer's tails themselves!"
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Israel Gives In
Israeli government ministers Wednesday overwhelmingly approved a temporary freeze on settlement construction in the West Bank in an effort to restart peace talks with "those idiot Palestinians".
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
Lambert Cleans Up Act
Adam Lambert cleaned up his act for his CBS "Early Show" appearance Wednesday morning, giving a performance no one could take offense with. He even sung a song in tune.
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
This Is America???
3 U.S. Navy SEALs face charges after mastermind of one of the most notorious crimes against Americans in Iraq accused them of punching him, military said. This is the screwed up Obama America today!
written by Bureau, 26 November 2009
