Octo Potter
Harry Potter author J. K Rowling has finally caved in to pressure from fans and is set to write an eighth novel about the Hogwarts wizard. It is to be titled Harry Potter and the Mountain Of Cash.
written by Martin Gooseflesh, 22 November 2009
No Runner-Up At Present
President Obama named person Time Magazine Person of the 22nd Century a bit early.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
It's A Draw
Texas still lead the nation in the number of executions, although California, Florida have more on death row. However, Texas #2 To Florida in Football ratings.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Holiday Driving Rough
Police say they will especially look for drunk drivers texting while on the phone this Holiday season.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Mostly Limericks
Wino who scribbles note, puts in bottles and throws into ocean says none of over 2,000 reported found as yet.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Osama Bin Spotting Causes
Military Intelligence: We still do not know where Osama Bin Laden is hiding. One new report of tall slim looking Hitler in Brazil, sporting funny mustache, turban crates fuhrer.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
No Big Breakthroughs
Scientists predict few major medical breakthrough in 2010, due to all their funding running out. Maybe warts!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
"The Rape Of The McDonald's Virgins"
The United States is number one once again in fat. Credit all it's fine restaurants, models in new masterpieces of art with fat people.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
"It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere"
Warren Buffett puts out his first musical recording, "It's Time To Make Money, Somewhere". Sued By Jimmy Buffet.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Romanian election begins, Afghanistan offers some corrupt advice!
Rumania starts its election and Afghanistan offer them advice about how to make sure it stays corrupt. The Rumanians thanked them graciously but denied ever being non-corrupt!
written by unknown
Bully For Him!
At a 110, America's oldest citizen William Grange told NBC News Sunday that he is now so old that he had named his first stuffed bear, Theodore.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
McCain, Fonda May Return To Hanoi
John McCain says that he and Jane Fonda may tour Hanoi together in the spring to remember old times, call each other names, get drunk.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Egypt declares war on Algeria and the game wasn't even corrupt!
Egypt has declared war on Arabian neighbour Algeria, Pres. Mubarek explained, "those sons of Baboons will pay dearly for their insults" FIFA has asked English Hooligans to sort them all out!
written by unknown
Hillary Once Considered Torture.
Hillary Clinton admits that she once thought that some forms of torture are acceptable. "But I've since forgiven Monica and know who was the responsible person involved."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Finally Cleared Up
After several months of examination and reading old papers, the ball and chain that may have condemned a 17th century prisoner to a watery grave in the Thames shows that, yes, this was his wife.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
"Me & Betsy Getting Rich!"
Old prospector and mule back from Mexico again where he claims he's discovered a hidden motherload. However, after finally checking, it's a motherload of cocaine in his ass.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Ted Kennedy Remembered
Senator Ted Kennedy remembered fondly in Ireland. Also, in Kentucky, where bourbon production has dropped 10%.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
They've All Finally Gone
Birmingham couple say they have the house all to themselves after last son goes off to college. First night celebration on kitchen table!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Might World On Canadian Border
US guards at Mexican border say that issued pepper spray not working at border as border crossers merely swallow it down, spew it back.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Taco Bell Removes Outdoor Lighting
Food researches at Beano have announced yesterday that they have invented the sound-proof bean everyone has been sounding off after. Only one side effect: Your ass lights up like a firefly.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Obama, GOP Disagree
Obama once again calls Ted Kennedy the greatest senator of our time. Republics reply, "We can only think of one worse!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Heavenly Ribbing Continues
David Carradine, still spoofing Michael Jackson, asks him to do a cloud dance. Jackson returns request by asking for a rope trick.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Cockroaches Determined To Survive!
Cockroaches plans to outnumber humans after nuclear destruction told today that they'll starve to death after losing heads from heat blast. Many planning to breed really fast once she blows!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Doctor Hire Attractive Secretary
Married GP 'had sex with patient while unsuspecting husband sat in next door waiting room, eyeballing secretary'.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Shrinkage About
Millions face shrinking Social Security payments managed by the same people who want to take over everything else. "It'll be our balls next", says critic.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
"You Don't Want To Know!"
President Obama called by Texas car dealer "An Outside of the US born Muslim." But less critical than Michelle's mother.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
See You At January Sales Time
Economists say that holidays are arriving long before most American's checks.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Lawn Wars Injuries Increasing
Using a ride-on mower to cut the grass might save energy but they land thousands of people in hospital every year, over wives bashing to get their husbands out mowing.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Happy For Awhile
Large Hadron Collider progress delights researchers until being pulled into black hole.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Oil Ship Polluters
Only 16 oil tankers create as much pollution as all the cars in the world! Al Gore suggests delivery by plane.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Bear Attack
Man seriously injured in bear attack after climbing into zoo enclosure. "He kept yelling for us to forget him and rescue little Goldilocks", says rescuer.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Pregnant Servicewomen Sent Home
Ten pregnant servicewomen sent home from Afghanistan war as new "Knocked Up" law comes into place.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Just Like Him!
ITV newsreader sues for £5m over mimicking of Sir Trevor McDonald, says mimes, clowns are next!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Shame On Remembrance Day
Brown and Cameron apologise for Poppy Day stunts: Abbey's fury at BOTH leaders over Remembrance Day photo-shoots. "Should have remembered those old farts instead of campaigning",say both patriots.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Glove Sale Well Handled
Jackson moonwalk glove sells for $350K in NYC, old nose for only $1,000.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Abusive Priests Not Choicy About Victims
Report: Homosexuality no factor in abusive priests. "Choir girls would have gotten the same treatment."
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Funeral Directors The Next Billionaires?
GOP: Health test recommendations could affect care as old farts become the last on hospital lists to get treatment. However, funeral homes for the new health care.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Should Be Interesting Test
Restored machine to explore mysteries of Big Bang, a theory that the human race multiplied greatly after banging their mates for day after day between pregnancies.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Americans To Travel
More Americans expected to travel for Thanksgiving, mostly from couch to refrigerator.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Global Warming In Denmark
Denmark: 65 world leaders for UN climate summit on global warming say they are freezing their asses off, want thermostat raised.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Iran 's Secret War Games
Iran begins secret war games to protect nuclear sites in the daytime as their glowing bodies easily seen at night.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Ford Hood Killer Taken Care Of
Fort Hood suspect ordered held until court-martial with complete hospital care until execution.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Darwin Wrote Other Books Apparenty
Rare Charles Darwin book found on toilet bookshelf. Experts say that they didn't even realize the Darwin knew anything about toilet bookshelves.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Same Ole, Same Ole!
Israeli aircraft strike Gaza targets after rockets fired into Israel. This is #5,323 of this same event.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Looks Healthy To Me!
Smiling on in bikini at the beach on Facebook costs Canadian her insurance, brings marriage proposals.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Really High Over Child's Birth
Astronaut's wait over as daughter born back home. "The whole event has me up in the air! I tell you, I'm over the moon with this new daughter!"
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Big Bill Stack Passes
Historic health care bill clears Senate hurdle, big as a ten foot stack of $100 bills offered for passage.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Drooping Boobs Tax Back!
Drooping Tax is back. Those having boob enhancement surgery will be charged 5% more.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
One Here Too, Already
Suspicious note and package found at Fort Kick Mohammed's Ass!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Fake Salesman Arrested
Minnesota man who sold fake Viagra arrested after taking a good beating by customers and their wives. Now doing hard time in prison.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Suicide Caller!
The Suicide Murderer still loose in Los Angeles. He calls the suicide hotline and talks them into committing suicide. Police checking Hannibal relatives.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Makes You Snuffle & Shuffle
With all the needles being brandished around, some parts of the US are beginning to call it the Porkypine Flu!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
English Influence On Yanks
US officials from North Dakota loved their visit to Stonehenge in England so well, they have renamed Mount Rushmore, Stoneheads.
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Planet Hollywood Subbing
Planet Hollywood has temporarily replaced replaced the former Planet Pluto, who's now circling the Dog Star!
written by Bureau, 22 November 2009
Is there a Recession Comrade?
Students in the Peoples Republic of Berkeley rioted over an increase of 32% in fees. These elite left wing snobs expect California's unemployed taxpayers to still give them a totally free education.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
P Words
Southern Senators delaying the debate of a health care reform bill have no testicular fortitude. They caved to the majority leader's promises of political plumbs. Another P word may be in order.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
Some Recession Economics is Crazy
Far left wing progressive economists want to raise taxes and keep government budgets intact; increase health care costs; and tax energy use to develop more energy. Psychiatric help is available!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
Tax Avoidance
British evaded Tudor tax collectors by building wider second floors. Dutch evaded tax collectors by building deeper houses. Americans use your imagination to deflect new health care and energy taxes!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
Dig it Deeper
US Government bureaucrats are now going to regulate city subway (underground) transit systems. It's a perfect fit, as the government is already, up to their ears, in a financial hole in the ground!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
The Poop Corps
Congress has repealed all state laws requiring dog owners to pick up after their pets and created the Poop Corps. This act will create 40 million new jobs and put people to work immediately.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
Nut Case
Rev. J. Jackson racially castigated an African American Congressman for not supporting the House health care bill. Jessie then checked into Bellevue Hospital's Psychiatric Unit, via the public option!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
United Nations Myopia
Israel defends itself against fanatic Islamic extremists. Fanatic Islamic extremists purposely blow themselves up killing innocent women and children. The UN cannot seem to see the difference!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
Obama vs. Palin for President
Even match as neither knows anything about foreign or domestic policy, the economy and the military/defense. They are at opposite poles on social issues. How about some real candidates, for a change?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 November 2009
