22 Year Old Discovers How to Make Diamonds
Heat charcoal in a vacuum until vaporized, eject vapor into liquid helium (or any gas capable of being cooled down to 20 Kelvins or less) seeded with a predetermined concentration of nano-diamonds.
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Tool-Using Gorilla's Whole Family Talented
Tool-using intelligent family gorilla gets own TV show, as his own great grandfather was the one who first taught Tarzan to play with himself.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Kirsty Alley Injured
Actress Kirsty Alley Injured after trying to eat entire cake before all the lighted candles can be removed.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
"Osama's In Saudia Arabia"
Several Guantanamo prisoners finally crack after a full month of "Sweating To The Oldies, Parts I,II and III.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
First Big Boxing Study
Study of why only winning boxers seem to retire reveals that most constant losers die first.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
"Like A Tasmanian She-Devil" Says Guv.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger found badly beaten up after Liza Minnelli joke.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Naples Boss Arrested
Italy arrests Naples mafia boss in chicken farm raid led by specialist, Kevin Skinner.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
US Admiral Concered
US admiral concerned about China military buildup. It's been going on for 60 years says Rear Adm. Kevin Donegan.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Orange & Black Halloween White House
Obamas host Halloween event at orange White House. "Black and orange really go great together for Halloween", jokes President who can say such things.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Elton John Sick
Sick Elton John postpones US gigs with Billy Joel. "Anyone wearing those outfits would have to be sick", says disgruntled Joel fan.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Palestinians Blame Hillary
Palestinians accuse U.S. Secretary of State of killing peace prospects by wearing forbidden pantsuit.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Cerne Laboratory to be employed by the X Factor !
Cerne's Large Hadron Collider is to be used in next week's X Factor to try to locate the alleged talent of twin shites John & Edward.
written by Ulver, 01 November 2009
The Invisible Man invited on to Question Time
The Invisible Man was invited to talk about 'transparency in politics' in the same show as Nick Griffin. However, he failed to show up.
written by IN SEINE, 01 November 2009
International Business Wales - "Would not play Ball"
Agassi says it all started to go wrong when he teamed up with IBW to promote a new tennis racket. It was a great racket - but IBW said they were the biggest racket in town and turned him away.
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Palin And Playgirl
Seems Sarah Palin couldn't name a single periodical that she read during her interview with Katie Couric. But she does know what goes into Playgirl. Take that, Katie Couric!
written by K.C. Bell, 01 November 2009
Agassi: "I Lied but I'm Telling You the Truth Now"
I ate India curries, kept apples handy, and drank bottled water. The curries made my run faster, the bottled water let me pass water, and the apples helped me stop up my anus.
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Iraqi Man In Arizona Who Ran Down His Daughter...
...for being 'too westernized' has bought a 4 wheel drive BMW SUV and joined a golf and country club in Scottsdale.
written by Wire Piddle, 01 November 2009
"Life Is Never Easy I Know" (ABBA)
Nor is getting a small business loan; said one small business owner: "Harder to get than common sense decision making from the President".
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Obama - At the Top of His Game
A Harvard political researcher studying the phenomenon of political dithering thanks President Obama - "this guy keeps on giving".
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Looking For Way Out
US Stock Market's latest roller coaster ride is apparently stuck. Now many of the riders are having trouble getting off!
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Nicolas Sarkozy's Son Offered F1 Drive
F1 Renault wants Sarkozy Junior to drive their 2010 F1 car - in the alternative, Junior to be team principal for team Renault.
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Obama Wants More Changes
President Obama has announced that all the trouble over the health care bill has convinced him that a one party government would not only speed everything up, but save billions spent on elections.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Illegals Spend More
Illegal downloaders spend MORE on music than those who obey the law, but where's the fun of that?
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Mind-Reading Computer!
Psychic 'mind-reading' computer will show your thoughts on screen. However, males in testing say they would tire of looking at the same thing.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Evil Lurking In New Jersey?
Newark, New Jersey woman claims she was raped by a phantom who used his phantom limb. Hospital: Examination report is mixed. Only the Phantom knows!
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
BCB Makes Spelling Error (Low News Day)
The BCB has been criticised after broadcasting a major spelling error on its flagship News At Ten bulletin.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Adlington Complains
Rebecca Adlington complains to BBC that punishment for Frankie Boyle is just 'slap on the wrist'. BBC responds that it is hard to be harsh while laughing your arse off.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Wheelie Bin Laden
Harriet Harman said today that the recent changes in wheelie bin laws were a lot of rubbish!
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Expert's Death Wasn't Suicide?
British nuclear expert's 17th floor UN death plunge 'was not suicide' as resident on floor below thought he saw hologram of Angelina Jolie outside 17th floor window.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Grocery Wars
Tony Blair in talks with Tesco over £1m deal as supermarket eyes Middle East. WalMart, Aldis reps seen in area also.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Lindsay Lohan - New Face for International Business Wales
Said IBW spokesperson: "Well, let's be honest." Having Lindsay Lohen as the new face of IBW can't really do us any harm - 'now can it'?"
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Go Green - Hg Light Bulbs
Keep your house burning for a century or more to provide heat, light, and a gathering place for your community.
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Vetell Wins F1 Race - Finer Points of F1 Wordage
With a plasma engine; "We didn't replace Vetell's engine, we upgraded it to plasma spec."
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Anti-War Rally
A huge anti-war rally is being scheduled in Washington DC in the spring to protest the Nobel Peace Prize Winner!
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Chaz (Chastity) Bono speaks as a man for first time after sex change operation
During statement, he/she also farted, spit, refused to ask for directions, left the toilet seat up, and scratched his/her new balls.
written by unknown
Committee Decides Early
Brazzaville of the Republic of Congo has received early notice that they will not be hosting the 2050 Olympics.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Name Proving Unpopular
Israel says they may change the name of The Dead Sea as it's proving to be a bummer for tourists. Suggest: The Near-Solid Sea Of Wonder!
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Favre Says He's Fine
Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre with pulled hamstring, dislocated shoulder, blue balls, broken leg, eye patch, may be rested if they have a big lead in the fourth quarter.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Congress Passes Bill For Obama Passing
Congress that approves bill to allow for ten aides to be killed and buried with Obama when he passes away.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Was That A Speed Bump?
California beaches say they may raise speed limit on trash pick-ups to 50 miles per hour in order to cut time costs, cover more beach area per day.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Pope Sick Of New Popemobile Already
Pope condemns latest rise in gasoline. Popemobile hybrid only gets 15 MPG, only runs up to 100 MPH.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
More Layoffs
Retrenchment.Com say they may lay off as many as 500 employees in near future.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Clinton Drawn To NKorea
Secretary of State Clinton may visit North Korea soon. "Love those cute little boutiques, open air cafes near that one big prison."
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Study On Concussions Continue
Experts: High School football concussions merit more study. Researchers asking for more volunteers.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Several Causes For Side Effects
Side effects not always due to swine flu shot. Several caused by getting smashed before receiving shot.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Third Parties Developing
Third party challenges in NJ, NY are warning sign that 99% of the American public is highly pissed.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
The Latest Buzz From Iran
Iran's President Ahmadinejad on Sunday compared the power of Iran's enemies to a "mosquito," saying Iran now deals with the West on nuclear arms from position of power. Performs 360 degree head-turn.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Loans Not Easy To Get
Small businesses having problems getting ARC loans. Also, floating ark loans.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Guthrie Promotes Openess
Arlo Guthrie pushing for more openness in society and that pot plants should be allowed in every home, a free range chicken in every back yard.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Dead Poets Society Founder Visits Graves
Actual founder of Dead Poets Society visits bards' graves. He's accompanied by Robin Williams who offers a few solemn limericks.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Handling Bank Failures
Meltdown 101: What to know if your bank fails? Remember the old maxim: When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream & shout!
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Negative Messages Most Effective
Subliminal messages are most effective when they have negative words, English researchers say in a real put down, by those idiots who should be shot on sight.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
2,000 Kids At White House
No trick: 2,000 kids knock on White House door. Receive treats, photo of President with "Obama loves the little children" on it.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Clinton In Morocco
Secretary Of State Clinton in Morocco to meet with Arab leaders, shoes.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Economy Recovery Won't Come Quick
Geithner: economic recovery won't come quick. "We must get through the depression first."
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Afghan Challenger Drops Out
Afghan challenger drops out of runoff election after accidentally running into doorknob.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Tune into a very special Ugly Betty.
She finally meets her match: her face, my ass.
written by W.P. Wonder, 01 November 2009
Hello, what's going on Here Then?
Police apologize after including members of the Cabinet and Royal family on 'wanted' posters of football hooligans.
written by Tcoah, 01 November 2009
Plan Costing Trees
Ralph Nader estimates that new nearly 10,000 page health care bill sent to Congress and Senate fell over 3,000 trees. Al Gore argues for only three Giant Sequoias.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Obama The Thinker
President Obama says that he used extra hour of Daylight Saving Time to think some more about how many troops to send to Afghanistan.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Hoax Fools Washington
Terrorist threat hoax fools Washington. "We are completely prepared for the actual event, not a hoax", says President Obama.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
Look,They're Waving
Picketers cause over 20 wrecks as new Florida state dress code angers nudists.
written by Bureau, 01 November 2009
