Mentally Disabled Bowling Star Takes On Obama
Mentally disabled bowling star: 'I can beat the president at bowling! I beat the last one at Jeopardy!'
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Having Fun Midst A Bad Economy
Report: Fun doesn't have to stop because of the bad economy. Recommends cheap water balloonings, hanging out at the mall and laughing at fat people.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Everybody Weighing In On Something
President Barack Obama weighs in on ACC basketball upsets as nation's consumers weigh in on President's priorities.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Daffy Air Show
Double wing of ducks amazes air show crowd by being sucked into jet engines and appear unharmed on the other side.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Explosion In Iraq Claims Two
A huge explosion has occurred in Baghdad, Iraq after a U.S. Army bomb-sniffing dog suddenly cocked his leg and ttok a whiz on a bomb disarming robot.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Green shoots of recovery at last?
Man reports seeing a vehicle with an 09 registration plate parked on a drive in the Midlands.
written by Roy Turse, 21 March 2009
Changed Her Name
39-year old Sarah Jane Edwards of Tupelo, Mississippi has appeared in court there for the 15th time on various minor crimes. Among the attorneys & judges there, she has been renamed, Miss Demeanor.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Why Should I Pay For His Bad Judgement?
A known criminal in Mexico was found "Not Guilty" after his attorney argued that the victim knew what a bad section of town it was & went anyway, saying "does a lamb walk into a lion cage to sleep?"
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Treatment For Schizophrenia
Two U.S. studies have pinpointed a single gene as key to the development and treatment of schizophrenia but dare not reveal it to THEM, our enemies.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Iran Demands U.S. Changes
Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has demanded concrete policy changes from the US as the price for new relations between the two states, especially that all Americans covert to Islam.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Judy Dench Trips Outside West End Theatre
Dame Judy Dench was rushed to hospital after tripping outside a West End Theatre on Thursday. "She thought she was Catwoman and tried to climb up the wall" said a close friend. "I blame the Ecstasy"
written by Mrs Kensington, 21 March 2009
AIG bonuses 'higher than thought'
A spokesman said "We started paying them out and nobody stopped us, so we just kept going."
written by Roy Turse, 21 March 2009
Reply to Embargo
The Indian government retorted to the GCE that 92% of Indians are Hindu and dont eat any kind of dairy products and Steve Guttenberg is an "infidel" of creamy proportions
written by Jessburger, 21 March 2009
Cheese Embargo on India
The Global Cheese Elitists(GCE) have announced an indefinate embargo on all cheese related products & Steve Guttenberg movies on India for false allegations in Indian media that GCE endorses buggery
written by Jessburger, 21 March 2009
Job Interviews In Jersey
A Jersey trip club to host job fair this Monday. Job seekers will be filmed being interviewed by performance and will be contacted later. "Give us a year", says spokesman in Spanish.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
G.M., Chrysler May Need Few More Bucks
General Motors, Chrysler say that they may need a little more than 23.5 billion. Could be more like 23.5 trillion.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Barney Frank Wants It
Barney Frank wants FANNIE, FREDDIE bonuses halted, but Freddie's Boners, Fannie's Receivership still fine.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
"Change" Continues On Target
President says agenda "on track" despite worsening deficits.
"We should go belly-up by the end of my first term but the money mess will do away with voting by then."
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Twilight DVD sales officially begin today
All malls in the United States empty as teenage girls are all at home watching the movie.
written by unknown
Historians discover why there were few black women jazz musicians in the Roaring 20's
Most thought that they already had enough "ragtime" each month.
written by unknown
Prostitution ring at inner city New York McDonald's broken up
Gives new meaning to the term "eating a McMuffin."
written by unknown
New Jersey to outlaw Brazilian Bikini Wax services in state
Says Governor, "we like our women hairy. We're also outlawing epilady and Nair."
written by unknown
Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton upset at lack of notice by mainstream media
To combat being ignored, three starlets announce "Tour de Panties" to commence in April.
written by unknown
NCAA March Madness receives lowest television ratings ever
Maybe if the included the winning teams from the rest of the country, we'd care.
written by unknown
Pollsters determine top three questions in America:
How will the bailout affect me? Who will win March Madness? What the hell is this Jade Goody thing I keep hearing about supposed to be?
written by unknown
The Rihanna and Chris Brown Alleged Re-Enactment
The alleged assault on Rihanna by Chris Brown has been re-enacted and is being shown as a Public Service Announcement. Paris Hilton said the re-enactment is fake because the actors are white.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 March 2009
The Beer Drinking Partying Spring Breakers
Due to the economic situation as well as the drug cartel violence in Mexico most college spring breakers stayed close to home. In fact, reports state that 15% did not even leave their own bathrooms.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 March 2009
The Post Office's New Slogan
The U.S. Postal Service will be giving 150,000 employees an opportunity to take an early retirement. So will their new slogan now be: "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, except for early retirement."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 March 2009
The Rhode Island Pole Dancers
A Rhode Island Strip Club is advertising for pole dancers. "Good pay, good benefits, and we provide the pole."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 March 2009
The Boy Bands Are Banding
Taking a cue from the New Kids On The Block reunion tour. Boy bands 'N Sync and 98 Degrees are also planning reunion tours. 'N Sync will tour as Kinda 'N Sync and 98 Degrees will tour as 98.6 Degrees.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 March 2009
Big NCAA Upset
College of Cardinals beats Ohio State in double overtime, 74-72. State objects to illegal prayers at school.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
New Version Of Musical Shines
The dancing, music still shine, as well as rear ends, in the new updated version of 'West Side Story'.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Legalized Prescription Pot Recommended
Sales growth of prescription drugs slowed for the second straight year, with the economic downturn playing a key role, according to study. Recommend that pot be legalized, sold by prescription only.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Food Inspections, Inspectors Weak
Private inspections of food companies seen as weak as many employees quit after having to constantly run outside and barf.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Video Games Still Hot
The video game industry continues to buck downturn in Feb. with the sales of the hot-selling "The Interactive Larry Craig Bathroom Stalls Game #2".
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Another Fundraiser For U.S. Post Office
United States Post Service looking for new ways to cut losses
may have to turn to blackmailing those receiving items in plain brown wrappers.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Alternative Energy Rejected By Hypocrites
Senator Feinstein seeks to block solar power from desert land. "I'm all for alternative energy but let Al Gore put that crap in his own state."
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Complete Dinosaur Auctioned
A complete dinosaur skeleton that was offered at New York auction has been bought by an on-line casino.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Pope Suddenly Quakes
Pope Benedict XVI appealed to the Catholics of Angola to reach out & convert believers in witchcraft who feel threatened by "spirits" and "evil powers" of sorcery. Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!"
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Visitors Tour Iraq
First Western tour group since 2003 visits Iraq. Immediately ask for a refund and safe flight out.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Toxic Asset Plan To Be Revealed
Toxic asset plan expected to be unveiled soon. Most believe it will be coated in red tape and buried under Yucca Mountain.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Bans On Bestiality
Alaska and Florida consider bans on bestiality. Questions already being asked by those dogs men take home late from bars and women who marry turkeys.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Life Of Katona's Husband To Be Made Into Film
Kerry Katona's husband Maaark's childhood in the slums of Manchester, his years as a Taxi driver and search for the "proper loaded" love of his life will be made into a film - "Slap-Head Millionaire"
written by Mrs Kensington, 21 March 2009
More Post Office Ideas Offered
The United States Postal Service looking for new ways to cut losses, offers new $5.00 stamps with special glues on the back side to lick.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Obama Making Pitch
President Obama makes pitch for budget priorities. Will use it to tar and feather next bailed-out company that gives away millions of bonuses.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
US Post Service Call In Experts
The United States Postal Service looks for new ways to cut losses. Calls in those fired in past years for throwing away junk mail and getting away with it for 10-20 years.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Ayatollah Rejects Obama Overtures
Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei dismissed overtures from U.S. President Barack Obama on Saturday, saying they prefer the classics, such as the William Tell Overture.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Caleefornia Guv's Recommendations
Governor Schwarzenegger orders all school children in Caleefornia to learn to duck and cover during an earthquake.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Hair Of The Wolf Recommended.
Friends of Lon Cheney III say he gets drunk often and talks about his dad always used to come home late at night and showing his hairy ass.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Herbla Recipe For Erectile Dysfunction
In laboratory tests, 1,000-year-old herbal recipe as remedy for erectile dysfunction tried by volunteer tests, flops miserably.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Drug For Lead Toys
Doctors recommend new Phenabarbiedoll for kids who played with all those lead-coated Chinese toys last year.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
"Fer Old Dang Design"
Drunk in New York City alley has been singing "Fer Old Dang Design My Dear" ever since New Year's night.
written by Bureau, 21 March 2009
Adam Sandler Stars In 3-D Movie
His character still comes off as two dimensional.
written by Mr. Lizard, 21 March 2009
