SUV Sells Itself
Toyota introduces their new low-cost, high mileage SUV with robotic voice that practically sells itself. "Come over here Big Boy and get a good look under my hood!"
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Ignor The Idiots At Bigger Jigger
A Boogertown, Tennessee man, egged on by his drinking buddies at the Bigger Jigger, sets off in his shirtsleeves in an attempt to climb the Matterhorn.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Krogers Undersold
The "ten for ten" sale at Krogers in Kansas City, Missouri has been undersold by it's own dumpster out back of their building say locals.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
New Approved Marriages
Both New York and California approved a bill this morning saying that marriage to one's job is legal in both states.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Those Rookie Mistakes
One-Year-Old donkey recently brought up to a major league Donkey Basketball League team shows off in first game, making a regular jackass of himself.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Bertha Alert Over
Officers in Tallahassee, Florida say they have found the remains of Bertha the elephant buried in the backyard of a badly stoop-shouldered former B&B Circus clown.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Better Switch To Macarena
A study of the long term effect of the Moon-Walking dance could possibly result in your nose falling off.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Fartknocker Won't Bite
Local Boogertown dog, "Fartknocker" traces his family's bad breath back to six generations of shit eaters.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Penthouse Search Profitable
Police search of Bernie Madoff's penthouse apartment finds ten millions dollars in spare change and small bills lost in cushions on couch and chairs.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
New World Order pox currency acmetal is ACME - Amero dies
ACME to replace Amero..ACME to replace Euro.. ACME to replace Urasso. At least we can save on toilet paper.
written by Aspartame Boy, 18 March 2009
Club Outlawed In Kansas
The state of Kansas has banned couples having sex in their grain elevators, condemns so-called "100 Proof Club".
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Back To Berries
Smokey The Bear, sick and tired of mess of sweaty, sour smelling mountain hikers going by, goes back to eating berries.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
These Folks Ain't Got Nuthin' On The Hatfields & McCoys
The amazing GOP infighting that is going on with Ann Coulter, Meghan McCain, Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh, and Newt Gingrich makes the Hatfields and McCoys seem like the Osmonds Family.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
"Leave It To You-Know-Who"
One of the all-time mysteries regarding TV sit-coms is why in the world would a seemingly knowledgeable, well-adjusted couple such as Ward and June Cleaver ever nickname their son, "Beaver?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Three National Songs
The song "Hail To The Chief" is the American presidential song. "God Save The Queen" is the national anthem of England. And in Iceland, the prime minister's favorite song is "I Kissed A Girl."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Dr. Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton remarked to a friend that she bought a language book and was trying to learn the Greek alphabet. But she says she gave up because it was all Greek to her.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Hee-Haw - The 2009 Version
The producers of the old hayseed TV show "Hee-Haw" will soon begin casting for the 2009 version. People being considered include George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Wynonna Judd, and Rush Limbaugh.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
A bad smell?
One item that's doing well in our bad economy is downloadable, simulated fart noises. So the makers of "Pull My Finger" iPhone application have threatened to sue their competitor, the iFart.
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
"Buffalo Bill" Cody's Original Name :-)
"Buffalo Bill" Cody is credited with having killed 4,860 buffaloes. He also killed over 7,000 squirrels, but the nickname "Squirrel Bill" Cody just didn't sound as good as "Buffalo Bill" Cody.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
The Cisco Kid - Product of A Dropped Letter
The Old West hero, The Cisco Kid, was originally named The Crisco Kid, but the letter 'r' was dropped to avoid confusion with the lard product.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Students Worry, Hope
United States college students look to future with worry, hope, bottle of suntan lotion, keg of beer.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Arachnophobia?
A Broadway musical about Spider-Man is due to open. He lives with his aunt, wears a body stocking and leads a secret double life. He's gay enough already. Perhaps it may be better suited to California.
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
Pope's Stand On Condoms
Vatican defends pope's stand on condoms as criticism mounts. "I will stand here and stomp them with my golf shoes", stated a very determined Pope Benedict XVI.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Obama Seeks Rein On Banks
President Obama is seeking a greater rein on U.S. financial institutions among protests by banks, Wall Street, the Gambino family.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
New Orleans Is On The Move
The Acme Weather Forecasting Agency predicts four hurricanes will strike the U.S. in 2009. The fourth one will be an unheard of category 8. Word is that New Orleans could probably end up in Colorado.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Ambassador Mark Cuban?
Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney has been selected American ambassador to Ireland. Reliable sources reveal Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is not being considered as Ambassador to Cuba.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
The Joaquin Phoenix & Tatiana Del Toro Tour
Joaquin Phoenix announces that he and Tatiana Del Toro will be going on a 21-city concert tour. The tour is being hailed as "The Two Messed Up Prima Donna's Tour."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
New Age Boomers
More babies were born in the U.S. in 2007 than any year in history, topping the baby boom 50 years earlier, researchers reported Wednesday. "They're popping them out like rabbits", said one doctor.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Mayhem On St Patty's Day
Cars were torched, firefighters attacked and police bombarded in mayhem spawned by dusk-to-dawn drinking on St. Patrick's Day, Irish authorities in Dublin said Wednesday. "Oh we all had a merry time!"
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
America's Dairy Farmers Buy Hooters Restaurant Chain
Hooters Restaurants are now owned by US dairy farmers. Waitresses will go topless, the intent being to portray a new image of dairy cows. The expression "got milk" also takes on a whole new meaning.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 March 2009
USB alarm!
A housewife from Sidcup was alarmed to find a USB drive in a packet of FINDUS fishfingers that she bought from Iceland last week. "I do wonder whether they are really fish." She said today.
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
Saving paint and trees!
In what is becoming an increasingly dire situation as the economy worsens, it would save a few trees, ink and paper; and it would be cheaper to advertise who's home is not for sale... wouldn't it?
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
UPS new venture
UPS have announced today that they will invest in euros because the strength of the currency is so strong in comparison with the dollar. The new venture will be called UP-EUROs.
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
A sign of a bad economy
The world's financial situation at the moment is so bad that women are now marrying for love!
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
Eastwood To Do Mandela Movie
Clint Eastwood has cast his son in an untitled Nelson Mandela biopic he has signed up to direct, reports say. Scott Eastwood will play the part of Mandela when he was younger and, apparently, white.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Chernobyl Still Chernobling
Two decades after the explosion at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant, radiation is still causing a reduction in the numbers of insects and spiders, reports the Al Gore Herald.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Floored
Wife breaking water, husband breaking wind on stuck elevator sends seven to hospital for birth, nerves and oxygen in Cleveland.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
The Second Generation Beach Boys
Brian Wilson founding member of the 60's band, the Beach Boys announces he will manage a new band comprised of the male offspring of the original band. The new band is named, "The Sons of the Beach."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Geronimooooooo!
In keeping with the idea of striving to be politically correct. The U.S. Army's percision parachute team, The Black Knights, will now be known as The African-American Knights.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
The New Viagara Pill For Fellas Over 90
Viagara has just announced that it has just developed a pill that is designed for men over the age of 90. The new product will be marketed under the name, "Back In The Saddle Again."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
The B Bar None Ranch Is History
'The B Bar None Ranch' in Nevada, which had been the setting for over 700 western movies has been sold. The new owners say they plan to convert it into a nudist resort, 'The B Bar Boobs & Things.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
The Blue Angels Need A Few Good Gals
In an effort to attrack more female pilots the Air Force precision flying team The Blue Angels will be renamed, The Blue Eye-Shadow Angels.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Buckwheat, Stymie, & Farina
The New York Rap Group known as "Boys To Buckwheat, Stymie, & Farina" insist that they did not take their name from the Little Rascals-Our Gang characters. Farina said, "Hey those be our true names."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Goodbye To The Yellow Brick Road
MGM facing a financial crisis has sold the yellow brick road that was featured in The Wizard of Oz. The 1.6 mile road was purchased by the Gomez Brothers Brick Co. of Los Angeles.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
China's Economy Slowing
The World Bank has cut its prediction for China's economic growth in 2009 from 7.5% to 6.5%, as Chinese leaders tell manufacturers to "get the lead out!"
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
The Battle Her Of The Republic?
Bowing to pressure from feminist groups, the publishing company that owns the rights to the song, "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic" has agreed to change the name to "The Battle Them Of The Republic."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
The Boys Scouts Are Changing Their Motto
The Boy Scouts of America organization has just announced that their motto, "Be Prepared," is being replaced by the more modern, "Do Not Ever Give Out Your Passwords Or Your Pin Numbers."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
The End of France's Bastille Day
France's national holiday, Bastille Day has been changed to Croissant Day, due to the fact that a lot of the younger people jokingly referred to it as Bastard Day.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
P.T. Barnum's 4 Inch Tall Wife
American showman P.T. Barnum's first wife, Mitzi stood only 4 inches tall. She worked as a gum wrapper model.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Mad On The Move
While most of the nation's publications are dropping like flies, Mad Magazine is reporting record sales, especially among U.S. taxpayers.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Another Bad Sign
In yet another bad sign for newspaper companies, The National Enquirer has announced that it is mostly going to all-photo with a few silly comments under pics format.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
AIG Execs Fighting Back
The AIG executives who received big bonus money after the bailout are fighting back. "One thing we WILL do with that money will be to pay taxes on it. Now how about all you investigators in Congress?"
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Jolie Will Adopt Cubs
No one knows what will eventually happen to all those tigers and lions after Siegfried and Roy bite the biggun for the last time, but Angelina Jolie has agreed to adopt the cubs.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Suicide Leader Points Out Benefits
AP Interview: Leader of suicide ring defends work. "If we can help Baby Boomers disappear, it'll save both Social Security and Medicare."
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Misdirection Working
The new U.S. President and congress keeping AIG bonuses outrage at fever pitch while Russia quietly moves in planes and ships off Cuba, Venezuela.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Pope: Must Help Poor
The Pope in Africa this morning says the church must help the poor. Already asked for bailout money, three day concert featuring Willie Nelson, John Mellencamp & Neil Young.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Bush Won't Attack Obama
Former President Bush promises not to attack President Obama. "I'll leave that to Dick Cheney. He's chomping at the bit right now. Wait till he really gets warmed up."
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
NATO: Need Extra Troops, Voters
NATO says 4,000 extra troops needed for Afghan election. If each given the right to vote, should be able to get the right people in the right office for democratic government to rule.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
New Wisconsin Motto
Wisconsin's new state slogan "Live like you mean it" is already inspiring something, but it's not exactly unanimous praise. Still most agree it beats, "Who cut the cheese?"
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
US To Sign Gay, Funny, Happy Rights Bill
Sources: United States to sign UN gay rights declaration. Also, the rights of those on the funny farms, happy houses.
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Farmers: Forget AIG Money, Save The Farms
Farmers in the U.S. can't understand why congress can give away trillions of dollars to auto makers, etc and get all bent out of shape over AIG money. "Snakes in henhouse & they worry about AIGs."
written by Bureau, 18 March 2009
Jade to Publish Cancer Diary
The final months of Jade Goody's battle with cancer are to be detailed in a new book. Guess that'll be ghost-written then.
written by Dungeekin, 18 March 2009
Anna Nicole Smith Comforts Jack Tweed from Beyond the Grave
Anna Nicole Smith has comforted Jack Tweed from beyond the grave insisting that his meal ticket holder status will be fine all the time the kids are alive. She recommended they not play crazy golf.
written by Rula Nation, 18 March 2009
