Tis Moby Dick?
A report out of California says that a whale beached itself Saturday apparently when it tried to mate with a huge white sunbather.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Uprising Over After Four Hours
ABC News says that the island people who work for Bayer to harvest the key ingredient in Levitra, staged a major up-rising last night.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Oh She's Pissed!
Very angry date gets even more pissed after walking out and slamming revolving door seventeen times.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Vanna, Beau On Letterman
Vanna White has been seen a lot lately around Los Angeles with grandson of Scrabble inventor, Alfred Batts.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Scientists Alarmed At Corn
Scientists alarmed after a bio engineer is badly beaten in chess match by a stalk of genetically modified stalk of corn.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
NYC Police Hope For Arrest Soon
Police at station on Times Square in NYC say they have a good lead and should be able to arrest the guy who kept handing kids helium condoms during the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade this past year.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Dropped Out In 3rd Grade
The wife of an uneducated New York City sewer worker admits that her husband is in way over his head
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
CPA Recall
The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants has recalled nearly 5,000 Certified Public Idiot Savants. Claim they only looked at test scores until complaints about not wearing pants,etc.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
The Unbelievable Coin Toss
Gizmo Buttress linebacker for the Cheyenne Indians in The Western States Football League (WSFL) has been fined for making an illegal hit on the opposing quarterback during the coin toss.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
The "F#$%" Word By Any Other Letter
Vice-President Joe Biden was at Union Station when a hot microphone picked him up saying "Give me a f#$%ing break." An aide to Biden said, so what, f#$%ing prostitutes say that all day.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
North Korea Threatens To Kick Japan's Imports Butt
Japan has threatened to shoot down North Korea's satellite. North Korea responds by saying if Japan does North Korea will stop importing Japanese sushi, saki, and chopsticks.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
A Reality Show If Ever There Was One!
A lesbian woman who tried to artificially inseminate her wife using a turkey baster with her brother's semen has been arrested. Wasn't that a movie?..."Ma and Pa Kettle - The Kinky Years"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
The Fashionably Chic Beverly Hills Pawnshops
Beverly Hills Pawnshops are reporting receiving everything from expensive Rolex watches and Golden Globe Award statuettes to Lamborghini's and Kirstie Alley's old bras.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Condoleeza's Third Book
Condoleezza Rice has just finished her third book. It is a reference type manual on education and is titled, "Rice University."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Rihanna Back With Chris Brown
"I couldn't find anybody who touched me like he did; I missed the feel of his warm knuckle on my eye socket."
written by Mr. Lizard, 14 March 2009
Venezuela and Cuba To Host A Slumber Party
Venezuela and Cuba announce that they will be hosting Russian Bombers. President Obama adds, "And they may also just be getting some U.S. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile party crashers as well."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
The On-Line Diet Works
The latest diet fad is on-line dieting. The individual can eat what she or he wants and then they just simply hit the delete key.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Left, Left, Left, To Become Right, Right, Right
NASCAR announces that to lure more viewers and entertain the ones they already have beginning in May with The Tulsa 900, races will be held with the cars racing clockwise instead of counterclockwise.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Brain Scans Read Memories
Brain scans can read memories according to Eleanor Maguire, a neuroscientist at the University College London in the U.K. "In other words, it's good news for us, bad news for Alberto Gonzales."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
The Ugliest Doll In The World
The International Toy Doll Federation has just named its '2009 Ugliest Doll In The World.' And the honors go to The Ann Coulter Bratz Doll. Ugly!...talk about Bow-Wow City.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
The New Homeless Pakastani Signs To Read: Will Work For Lentils
In a move to strengthen the nation's economy, the United States government is looking into the possibility of oursourcing all of the homeless street corner people to Pakistan.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Fossil A Lot Older
The famous fossil of an early relative of modern humans commonly called Peking Man may be 200,000 years older than previously thought, a new study finds. "Dyed hair, botox treatment threw us off."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Fertilizing Farmers Helped Out
The Department of Agriculture has mistakenly sent over 1.2 billion dollars to 150,000 dead farmers for fertilizer.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
CIA Tapes Drawing Attention
Democrats, al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, Taliban, FBI, UFO Group are demanding an inquiry into destroyed CIA tapes
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Dolphins Have Sense Of Humor
Dolphins scaring the crap out of submarine crews as they have learned to make a noise like approaching torpedo then dodge away at the last moment.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Okra Farmer Gets Bailout
Confused congressional committee approves $10 billion bailout for okra farmer who got lost while touring U.S. Government Buildings in DC.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Well, Excuuuuuse Me!
Two Wyoming high school guards shot as each thought it was the other one's day off and saw a man with a gun.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Getting Kids Ready For Future
Alabama high school students attending technology classes learn how to defuse a bomb by teacher on phone.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Tennessee REALY Against Gay Marriages
Tennessee has past a law that any gay marriages in their state will receive the death penalty of being pressed to death by the piling on of rocks.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Action News Update
A man in St. Petersburg, Florida was asked how it felt to be struck by lightning on the golf course a few minutes ago replied, "Just give me-me a min-minute will y-you?"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Hulk Hogan vs. His Wife's Attorney
Hulk Hogan appears in court concerning divorce proceedings. Everything goes fine until he body slams his wife's attorney.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Ann Coulter Has Not Done Steroids
CNN is reporting that Ann Coulter has tested positive for bitterness.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Twin Buttes Reports Slight Snow Flurries
The Weather Channel has just announced that in order to get more viewers, they will be firing all of their current weathercasters and replacing them with Hooter's Girls.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
You Say Potato, She Says Tomato, He Says Aligator
A report in The Everglades Journal of Swampishness states that 40 percent of aligator experts and 45 percent of crocodile experts cannot tell the difference between an aligator and a crocodile.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Please Press Number 2
Microsoft has just introduced a new user-friendly computer keyboard. The letters are in Spanish.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
The Economic Crisis Even Affects The Bush's
George Bush has been working as a greeter at a Dallas hardware store for one month. Laura Bush has just announced that starting next week she will begin working at a Dairy Queen in Dallas.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
The Hurricanes Are Coming
PBS will run a five-part series entitled, "The Worst Letter C Hurricanes To Ever Hit North Dakota."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Were The Gold Nuggets Supersized?
The U.S. Health Department is investigating a claim that some gold nuggets were found in a McDonald's Chicken McNuggets Happy Meal.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Shetty Rushes to Visit Jade Goody
Following the announcement that Jade Goody has 'only days to live' Shilpa Shetty has confirmed that she will travel to the UK see her next week - overland by elephant!
written by Mrs Kensington, 14 March 2009
Phelps In 2012 London Games
American swimming star Michael Phelps says he expects to compete at the London 2012 Olympics, a month after threatening that he could retire. Plans to start practicing by swimming Mississippi River.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
G20 Seeking Answers
Ministers from the G20 group of rich & emerging economies are meeting in the UK amid rifts over how to tackle the worst downturn in decades. Say they may seek charity help from B14 & N33 bingo groups.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Republicans Criticize Obama Plan
Republicans criticize Obama's new budget plan. "It's too much like the one we had and you see where THAT's landed us!"
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Obama Changes Tone
President Barack Obama shifts to more upbeat economic message. "We're not in nearly as bad of a shape than we were this time yesterday", stated the President.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Excuse Doesn't Work
A Washington man has been caught in fast lane with unbuckled dummy. "Just trying to show people that don't buckle up that they're a dummy, Officer."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Just Being Neighborly
Interfax: Cuba, Venezuela may host Russian bombers, nuclear submarines in spirit of international peace and safety for all.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
New FDA Director
President Obama says the nation's decades-old food system is a "hazard to public health" and in need of an overhaul, appoints a new head of the FDA. "Decades old food shouldn't be eaten anyway."
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Crossover Vote?
Former V.P Cheney says he believes that former President Bush never did understand the "crossover votes". He always seemed to think that they were dead people.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Magazine Drops Sideline
Fortune Magazine has announced this morning that they are laying off 50 fortune cookie makers.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Impossible Crime?
A New York City mime fails to convince judge with his "air tight alibi" once he shows him his invisible cube.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Too Much Clowning Around
Several injured as it takes rescue squad 36 hours to free 29 clowns from small car after it was hit head on during parade by small Shriner vehicle driven by drunken Shriner Clown.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
New Diet Condemned
Doctor's Association condemns new "White Sugar Diet" although they admit that you lose weight from hyper-activity.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Modern Heroes
Cannibals given ticker tape parade down Broadway after running down and eating child-molesting priest.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Man Shoots Fake Deer
Man in Cookeville, Tennessee arrested for shooting fake deer placed along roadside by conservation group, says at least he gave it his best shot.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Invisible Scientist Dead
Young invisible scientist who used invisibility to go into woman's basketball shower room found trampled to death after entrance of mouse.
written by Bureau, 14 March 2009
Bristol Palin's Dumped Fiance Levi Johnston Wants Half!
Levi Johnston says he wants half of the $300,000 that he and Bristol Palin received for their baby's pictures. Bristol said, "It's gone. I spent it on makeup, milk, diapers, and bullets for my mommy."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
The First Two Spanish Speaking Wal-Marts
Wal-Mart will be opening their first two Hispanic focused supermarkets. The store in Phoenix will be named Supermercado de Wal-Mart. And the one in Houston will be named Wal-Martinez
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Is Ann Coulter Laura Ingraham's Mama?
The rumor that GOPunk Ann Coulter is GOPunk Laura Ingraham's mother is not true. Although there is a tremendous resemblance (i.e. hair, nosehair, cellulite) it is impossible. AC is 47, LI is 44.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Is There Something Wrong With Aniston?
Singer John Mayer has dumped Jennifer Aniston again! That makes it six times in seven months. Aniston is so heartbroken she has called up Andy Dick, whom she says, "There is no way Dick will dump me."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Here Come The Welsh Bees
Irish officials are concerned about the large amount of young girls sporting Amy Winehouse's beehive hairdo. They say they're extremely worried about the huge influx of bees coming in from Wales.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
Stewart Kicks Cramer's Portfolio
Jon Stewart verbally lashed out at Mad Money host Jim Cramer so bad that Cramer has gone out and sold all of his stock, his car, and some of his clothes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 March 2009
