There were 1,649 spoof news snippets published in March 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Boy, Are Our Faces Red
Dozens of protesters arrive in Fargo, North Dakota to find the "big dike" they were after is actually a giant flood barrier being constructed to protect downtown area from flooding Red River.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
Ann Coulter as Friend to Environment/Politics?
Sending the Ice Queen to Italy-Switzerland border might refreeze glaciers thawed by global warming, making planned redrawing of political boundary unnecessary.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
Current Event Horizon
While ingesting large quantities of matter at lunch today, Rush Limbaugh attained critical mass, collapsing in on himself to become a black hole. Physicists predict a right spin of -1 for the object.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 March 2009
Honesty not always best policy...
Prompted by, "Are you at least 18?" while visiting adult website, Dylan, 17, clicks on "No," causing local Providence, KY mainframe to crash, followed by electrical grid. 280,000 still without power.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
That would have been a horse of a different color
Experts on lighting and photography prove photo of Michael Phelps shooting up on cover of British tabloid is a fake. Kell Logg products still too high in sugar.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Remember When You Were a Little Kid and Used to Blow Bubbles?
Well, he's in town looking for you.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
There Go His Legal Briefs
Lawyer checking into hotel on Times Square has to chase down homeless man who broke into his suitcase and ran off with an armload of underpants.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
"Phew! I needed that!"
President Obama briskly brushed past secret service agents today, toward main White House kitchen, where he entered a walk-in refrigerator. Faint sounds of screaming emerged for several minutes.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
Nobody cares!
Burger spokesman Jack returns after a phony accident has him hospitalized for several commercials as once great advertising department flounders, grasping at hack formulae and recycling oldies.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Top 10 Stupid Human Tricks
Regina Lasko, David Letterman's bride, nearly backed out on wedding day because he wouldn't quit doing that thing where he pulls on alternate sides of his tuxedo to make his tie go back and forth.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Just A "Red Herring"
Bruce Willis may have married Emma Herring, but he really wanted Lindsay Lohan. Oh, well. Maybe next time.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Just Tired of the Bickering
Psychologist suspects pilot of plane that crashed, killing 3 vacationing families and himself, may have meant to. He noted the irony of a plane crashing in a cemetery in the vast emptiness of Montana.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Sign of the Times
Man arrested for panhandling in front of a Wall*Mart. He was carrying a sign on which he had scrawled, "PlEEz hElp fiHgt ilitAreAcy.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Jade Goody Visits TheSpoof.com
"What's all this, then?" she asked. "'Jade Goody to Wed Elephant Man's Remains?' 'Marilyn Manson Offers $20,000 to Sniff Jade Goody's Panties?' Come on, don't you people have anything better to do?"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 March 2009
Scared the sh*t outta me, too!
After having no luck keeping crows out of his cornfield with regular scarecrow, man successfully mounts image of Ann Coulter atop scarecrow's pole (huh, huh).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Misanthrope, or Miss Arthropod?
Ann Coulter reportedly descends upon Barack Obama, wraps him in spun silken threads, and flees with him to the outskirts of Washington, D.C.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Economic Crunch Hits Jokes About Economic Crunch
In view of the deepening crisis, top economic advisors warned American consumers that we can no longer afford to laugh about the economy. Americans were too poor to pay attention.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Sorry for the delay
This snippet should have been posted last week, but I was "slapped into next week," so I have to publish it now. Unfortunately, that took so long to explain, I still can't share it with you.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
"No Left Turns"
Though it costs him over $1000 a year extra in gasoline, Rush Limbaugh will only make turns to the right when driving. However, it is reported he turns to the left when receiving a prostate exam.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 March 2009
Bush Shoots Dick Cheney In Face
...at Bush's Prairie Chapel Ranch near Crawford, TX. Bush was trying to scare a squirrel and shot into some shrubbery, behind which Cheney was trying to cop a squat.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 25 March 2009
Man Gets Parking Ticket on Google Maps
Jay Walker had just dropped down to street level and started exploring a neighborhood when he was called away. Leaving hastily, he returned nearly 4 hours later to find a parking ticket on his desk.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 March 2009
"Inflate to 45 lbs."
While trying to pull on a heel that was nearly a size too small, Angelina Jolie loses grip, giving herself a rather nasty fat lip. Friends say they "could hardly tell the difference."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Spoof Writer Changing Name to Jade Goody
"And not the name I publish spoof stories under, either, just in case that's what you're thinking. I'm going to change my REAL name."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Bud Builds Better Bodies
Advocates for the legalization of marijuana considering Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps for an ad campaign in the spirit of the classic "Milk It Does A Body Good" promos.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
"Cash" Quits Geico
The actor, popularized for playing "the money you could be saving with Geico," said the commercial spots were stupid, he never got any lines, and he would rather be "spending himself" (masturbating).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Valet Beats Taxi Driver Senseless With Umbrella
"...which wasn't hard to do, since nobody with any sense drives like that, and my umbrella is pretty solid," said the valet as he was escorted away in cuffs.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 March 2009
If the shoe fits, you must acquit...
When prosecutors pointed out Lana Clarkson purchased 8 pairs of shoes the day of her "suicide," Phil Spector asked, "Did you see her feet? Seeing all those size 14's probably drove her over the edge."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
All's Fair In Love and Price Wars
San Francisco valet runs ACE Parking out of business by circulating flyers suggesting ACE is an acronym for Automotive Collision Experts.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Penile Enhancement
Man sets world record by solving popular 80's puzzler in 38 seconds using nothing more than his genitalia.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Kell Logg Flake Company At It Again
Kell Logg ships 2 tons of children's cereal with Michael Phelps' image on box 2000 miles to San Francisco's pot-smoking homeless. Area tooth decay rates expected to surpass those of your children.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 March 2009
New McDonald's Breakfast Meal
In honour of the mother of the octuplets, McDonald's is offering a new breakfast meal. You get fourteen eggs, with no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
written by norma snockers, 01 March 2009
Girls doing their bits for America
Tonight all women have decided to shave their 'bits' in support of Obama - meaning no more bush
written by norma snockers, 02 March 2009
Fritzl claims are untrue!
Josef Fritzl, claims that he invented the social networking site 'Facebook'. He might have a point!
written by norma snockers, 17 March 2009
Man murdered make-up artist wife
An East Sussex spiritualist minister was found guilty of murdering of his TV make-up artist wife. Derek Accora said; "His wife said from beyond the grave 'It was him alright, you couldn't make it up'"
written by norma snockers, 02 March 2009
University entry-level is okay!
Cambridge University has announced an A*AA entry-level for next year's entrants. This is great news for us small batteries!
written by norma snockers, 17 March 2009
Miss Czech republic caught on camera
The new Miss Czech Republic could be stripped of her title; Competition rules forbid all Miss Czech Republic candidates from having participated in erotic modeling. In other words, no Czech-mating.
written by norma snockers, 01 March 2009
Worms... On a nudist beach!
Evidence of what were thought to be prehistoric worms, found on a naturist beach in Devon have now been found to be Neolithic condoms.
written by norma snockers, 17 March 2009
Politics is a shady business!
The Tories have created a fictional Shadow Minister for Cornwall. They hope to win the Turner prize for fiction this year.
written by norma snockers, 17 March 2009
Dell's new' fashion statement'!
The new Dell Adamo laptop is the world's thinnest of its kind. It is the new 'fashion statement' of the cyber world - A size zero model is due to be launched at the end of the month by Kate Moss.
written by norma snockers, 17 March 2009
Fish trap found on Google Earth
A Fish trap, believed to be over 1,000 yrs old has been discovered by Google. Prof. Taffy Apple of Pembroke said: "it obviously didn't work because not one fish has been caught in all this time."
written by norma snockers, 17 March 2009
Giant sea monster could crush Hummer!
A giant fossil sea monster found in the Arctic had a bite that would have been able to crush a 4x4 car, according to its discoverers. They also reveal that Hummers were extinct at that time.
written by norma snockers, 17 March 2009
New health warning on condoms
A health and safety warning is to be placed on all condoms as from April 1st. It must say: "warning, this protection may contain nut products!"
written by norma snockers, 31 March 2009
Google wants to get closer.
Following Google's venture into 'Up Your Street', they want to get even closer. The new version will be called "Up Your Nose". They may even make a version for the gay community called "Up Yours!"
written by norma snockers, 23 March 2009
'Fritzl-mania' reaches global proportions
First Austria, and then Italy and now Colombia. Fathers are having children with their daughters. How many more such crimes will come to light? Maybe Arkansas will not come as a surprise!
written by norma snockers, 29 March 2009
Shopping link to PMT
It has been found that 10 days before their menstrual cycle, women will go on a shopping spree. They mainly buy lots of tampons! However, actresses who work in period dramas are likely to buy dresses.
written by norma snockers, 30 March 2009
PMT links to shopping
About 10 days before a woman is on her menstrual cycle, she will go on a shopping spree and by clothes. However, if she misses her period, she will go and buy maternity clothing.
written by norma snockers, 30 March 2009
Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow caught in studio brawl
When Robbie Williams appeared at the same studio where his former bandmates were recording, a fight broke out. Gary Barlow was heard to say "Take That" as his fist connected with Robbie's big head.
written by norma snockers, 29 March 2009
Website for missing government expenses claims to be investigated
A website asking for a donation to fraudulent government expenses is to be investigated by police. The public have been warned not to send any money because the government already have plenty.
written by IN SEINE, 30 March 2009
Streaker
Chaos today when a streaker ran across Clapham Common. One old lady had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.
written by Skoob1999, 01 March 2009
Dyslexics Celebrate
Thousands of dyslexic Irish people today celebrate Saint Partick's Day, drinking bere, dressing up in groon, and doing an Irish jog.
written by Skoob1999, 17 March 2009
Wind power car record broken!
An engineer from Hampshire has broken the world land speed record for a wind-powered vehicle, only to be broken hours later by a kid in a pedal car who had just eaten a tin of baked beans.
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
Mandelson fails to turn up for work
Business secretary, Lord Michael Mandelson has failed to turn up for work today claiming that; "he is a little off colour, but may be back at work on Monday."
written by IN SEINE, 07 March 2009
Billy Connelly copies Sir David Jason
Billy Connelly has told an offensive joke for which he apologizes profusely. On Absolute radio he said; "What do you call a Scottish Cloakroom Attendant?" After a pause, he said; "Angus McCoatup"
written by IN SEINE, 26 March 2009
USB alarm!
A housewife from Sidcup was alarmed to find a USB drive in a packet of FINDUS fishfingers that she bought from Iceland last week. "I do wonder whether they are really fish." She said today.
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
Fat Ladies Choir Preparing To Sing In West Brom
The West Midlands Fat Ladies Choir was rehearsing feverishly tonight, after relegation-threatened West Bromwich Albion slid to another home defeat, this time 3-1 to Arsenal.
written by Monkey Woods, 04 March 2009
They are taking the Pee
Human rights can be so unfair! Prisoners in Scotland are being compensated for having to slop out. This costs the taxpayer £3,000 a time. Yet free people are not compensated for taking a leak!
written by IN SEINE, 11 March 2009
McDonalds To Honor The New "First Kiddoes"
McDonald's announces that in honor of President Obama's two little girls they'll be naming two new menu items after Sasha and Malia. The new items are The McSasha McSalad and The McMalia McMenudo.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Can you see what it is yet?
A would-be Rolf Harris has painted a 60 foot penis on the roof of his parents mansion. It took his parents over a year find out what it was and he will have to bring a large scrubber to deal with it.
written by IN SEINE, 25 March 2009
Edinburgh's finest
A group of angry Scots have had a smashing time when they visited the Edinburgh home of Sir Fred Goodwin.
written by IN SEINE, 25 March 2009
Proof: sir David Jason reads TheSpoof.com
Sir David said: "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?" He then said: "Me hat, me coat." He is reputed to have taken the Joke from TheSpoof.com's website. He did apolgize though.
written by IN SEINE, 26 March 2009
A sign of a bad economy
The world's financial situation at the moment is so bad that women are now marrying for love!
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
Barbie (Doll) Turns 50!
Barbie doll turns 50. To commemorate the milestone, Mattel will be putting out its latest Barbie doll complete with cellulite, stretch marks, wrinkles, and that "I know it all attitude."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 March 2009
AIG - What Does The Letter "I" Really Stand For?
American International Group (AIG) had 4th quarter losses of $61.7 billion. The highest in U.S. corporate history. President Obama remarks, "I'm thinking that the letter 'I' stands for incompetent."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 March 2009
Kirstie Alley vs. Wynonna Judd
The Fox Network is getting ready to unveil its latest reality show. The show will star Kirstie Alley and Wynonna Judd and is titled, "Okay, Let's See Who Can Eat The Most."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The Much Unawaited Paris Hilton Tell-All Book
Paris Hilton states that she will be writing a tell-all book. An insider says it will consist of three pages filled with the phrase, "I'm hot."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
British PM heads for Brazil
Gordon Brown's pre-G20 tour reaches Brazil. Brazil is world-renowned for it's nuts. Gordon Brown should feel at home then.
written by IN SEINE, 26 March 2009
You Can't See The Trees For The Forest
California's "Save Our Trees" rally has been cancelled due to the forest fire.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Subway's New "Bachelor" Sandwich
Subway announces a new sandwich in honor of Jason Mesnick, the Bachelor. The new menu item called The Mesnick Mouthful will consist of two slices of white bread with 34 slices of ham between them.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Blockbuster Fast Food?
Blockbuster video rentals have fallen off drastically. The video store plans to begin selling buffalo wings, diet popcorn, beer, Huevos Rancheros Alfredo, sushi, and Margaritas.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The Three-Year-Old Breastfed Baby!
Nell McAndrew has been criticized for breastfeeding her three-year-old son Devon. When asked what he thought about the criticism Devon replied, "Hey, mind your own FRIGGIN' business DAMNIT!!!"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The Infamous Burping Worms
Scientist state that burping worms may help contribute to the Earth's climate change. Coughing caterpillars however do not do a damn thing.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Scottish sex offender: "chemical castration may help me!"
A Scottish sex offender who raped a 14-year-old boy who was playing truant has said that chemical castration might help. "At least people will recognize me by my high pitched voice!" He said today.
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
The Argentinian Pampas Are Outta Here
The Senate in Argentina has voted to change the name of the Pampas to the Plainos. They said that they were getting tired of all the diaper jokes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 March 2009
UPS new venture
UPS have announced today that they will invest in euros because the strength of the currency is so strong in comparison with the dollar. The new venture will be called UP-EUROs.
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
A bad smell?
One item that's doing well in our bad economy is downloadable, simulated fart noises. So the makers of "Pull My Finger" iPhone application have threatened to sue their competitor, the iFart.
written by IN SEINE, 18 March 2009
The Arctic Heat Wave
Global Warming is a very real thing. A team of Arctic explorers recently reported seeing penguins wearing sweat head bands.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 March 2009
The New Denver Eagle
Philadelphia Eagles fans are upset that the Eagles allowed 13-year veteran Brian Dawkins to sign with the Denver Broncos. One fan said she knows of 17 people in her office who are moving to Denver.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 March 2009
The Post Office's New Slogan
The U.S. Postal Service will be giving 150,000 employees an opportunity to take an early retirement. So will their new slogan now be: "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, except for early retirement."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 March 2009
Taco Bell's New White House Menu Items
Taco Bell announces that in honor of the president and his wife they will be adding two new menu items...The Brobama Burrito and The First Mama Enchilada Plate.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 March 2009
Iran Is Pissed Off At "The Wrestler"
Iran is upset with a scene in the Wrestler in which Mickey Rourke disrespects the Iranian flag. They say if he does not apologize they'll kidnap him and put him in a scissors hold for six years.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Dunkin' Donut Holes To Change
Dunkin' Donuts announces that in an effort to cut its loses, it will be making the holes in their donuts bigger.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 March 2009
Naples Anti-Mafia Parade
A parade was held in Naples, Italy to protest the decades of Mafia violence. Afterwards one of the local TV stations wanted to interview one of the marchers but they all seemed to have disappeared.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 March 2009
Hee-Haw Songs
Josh Cowpitz, who has written over 4,000 country music songs recently disclosed that he has just written a song that does not include cheating, a truck, a cowgirl, a haystack, or cornbread.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
The Crazy Cloning Business
A disgruntled scientist in Poland has cloned a mosquito.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Intercourse By Any Other Name
After years and years of all kinds of off-color jokes the town of Intercourse, Pennsylvania has voted to change its name. The new name to become effective on April 1, 2009 is Screw, Pennsylvania.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Hee-Haw - The 2009 Version
The producers of the old hayseed TV show "Hee-Haw" will soon begin casting for the 2009 version. People being considered include George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Wynonna Judd, and Rush Limbaugh.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 18 March 2009
Bad atmosphere In Space Station
The atmosphere in the International Space Station has somewhat deteriorated since the Americans will not allow the Russian cosmonauts to use the lavatory. Something smells!
written by IN SEINE, 31 March 2009
Snap, Crackle, And Pop
Elfs Snap, Crackle, and Pop of Kelloggs Rice Krispies fame have had bouts of bad luck. Snap is in a Home for Unstable Cereal Figures, Crackle was busted with crack, and Pop has a pill-popping habit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 March 2009
First there was G7, then G8, now G20, whatever next?
This year, London will host the G20 summit. Last year there were only 8 most powerful nations in the world, but this number has grown to 20. Next year it will be the G40!
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
The Winds Formerly Known As Santa Ana
The California legislature has just voted to legally change the name of The Santa Ana Winds to the much more appropriate, The Damn, Friggin', MoFoing Santa Ana Winds.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
"Snowflake" Sarah's Book Is Out
Gov. Sarah Palin's book, 'The Ups and Downs of Snowflake Sarah' is out. The book deals with the 2008 GOP campaign. One thing she reveals that no one knows is John McCain's middle name is Cinderella
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
The Rihanna and Chris Brown Alleged Re-Enactment
The alleged assault on Rihanna by Chris Brown has been re-enacted and is being shown as a Public Service Announcement. Paris Hilton said the re-enactment is fake because the actors are white.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 March 2009
The Declining Egyptian Camels
A report by The Egyptian Agriculture Department reports that there is a shortage of camels. The report went on to say that there are still plenty of Marlboro's, Salems, and Pall Malls.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 March 2009
The Return of Cloris Leachman?
Cloris Leachman, 82, showed up for the premier of ABC's "Dancing With The Stars." Judge Bruno Tonioli had to inform her in a sensitive way that she had been eliminated last year.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 March 2009
The Richter Scale Is Missing
The Richter Scale which is used to determine the magnitude of an earthquake as recorded by seismographs has been stolen. The American Earthquake Agency would like it returned by 6.3 tomorrow morning.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
The BBC plans to move 'Casualty' to Wales
With BBC plans to move the popular hospital drama 'Casualty' from Bristol to Cardiff means that the storylines will contain many more sheep related injuries.
written by IN SEINE, 27 March 2009
Old MacDonald Had A Farm
A victim of the enonomic hard times: Old MacDonald's Farm has gone into foreclosure. (E-I-E-I-Oh-No).
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 March 2009
The Lone Ranger's Sidekick
The Lone Ranger's sidekick's name "Tonto" actually means stupid in Spanish. And the words that "Tonto" uttered to the Lone Ranger, "Kemo sabe," are Kiowan for "Your mama."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 March 2009
Amy "The Beehive Baroness" Winehouse
Singer Amy Winehouse famous for her beehive hairdo has just been signed by The Bzzzzzzz Honey Company to be their official spokesfreak.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
What Can Brown Do For Itself?
FedEx profits have fallen off by 75 percent. Package delivery company executives with FedEx and UPS plan to merge into one big shipping company to be known as FedUP.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 March 2009
