Guard Having Trouble
White House guard claims he's tired of younger Obama daughter riding him as her pony. "Spurs can hurt!"
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Sure You're Gay?
Man asks male couple always fighting in other apartment, "How come all the gay people on TV are funny?"
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Twilight Craziness
Teenage girls, old guys dressed like vampires, werewolves are all swept up in the new Twilight craziness. "That vampire bit me on the ass", often overheard outside theaters.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
B of A Repays Taxpayers Bailout Funds
Marriage between government and Private Bankers to continue.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Dateline 2089:
Bin Laden reported killed in remote mountains of Afghanistan. Bin Laden II mirages now being created.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Tiger Woods Committed!
To a Hospital for the Sexually Insane.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Cheney Makes Big Predition for 2010
His investment portfolio will be bigger than ever.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Japanese Watches Fall
New Swiss made watches on the rebound as jewelry, as they also have agreed to give every new owner unlimited free minutes.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Iraq Ready To Go It Alone
Iraqi officials say they are ready to US to pull all troops. All factions agree upon selection of Saddam Hussein look alike as new leader.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
"It's The Clone!"
First human clone in eastern Europe hunted down with torches and burned up in old mansion.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Ladin Still Alive!
Karzai says he thinks Ben Ladin is still alive. "Or he was last week at the market place."
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Hatfield's Can Even Tell McCoys
Scientist: Some people in eastern Kentucky, eastern Tennessee and West Virginia can tell their friends when shown photos.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Home Values Plunge 500 Billion for 2009
Yep, its true, the recovery is now complete.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Nicholas Cage's Former Girlfriend Sues for Millions
Cage contacts Tiger Woods for Hush Money Advice.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Tobacco Houses Open
High costs of tobacco leading to small enclosed shops on city streets that are full of tobacco smoke. Only $1 per five minute stay.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
"Thought It Was Terrorists"
Huge methane explosion as truck loaded with cattle runs into Taco Bell front window.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Excuse Me Again!
Separated couple accidentally bump into each other at a mutual friends party, over 100 times.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
It'll Do That To You
Too much sugar in drinks, candy and coffee is being blamed for the Actuary Convention riot in NYC last night
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Geithner Extends Bailout to 2010....Says Recovery Not Complete
Correct Interpretation: AIG and Banker Boy bonuses to increase at taxpayer expense in 2010.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Why Liver Pills Outlawed
New imaging machine shows that those Carter Little Liver Pills went straight by the liver and out the old wazzo!
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Look! He's Really Glad To See Us!
New plastic surgeon specializing in male whatnots gets lots of free advertising by wearing really tight pants and taking pill hour before going out.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Boy paints 60 ft phallus (Dick, dickheads) on the roof of his parents house!
A student has painted a 60ft phallus on the roof of his parents house, it was a cry for help!
written by unknown
Look Joe, A Segway!
New version of segway a lot more popular with men as it forces women riders rear ends to stick way out to ride it.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
"Lead Man" Recalled
Superhero doll "Lead Man" recalled and shipped back to China. Apparently had lead paint.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Learned His Lesson
Fired web designer in Topeka, Kansas, fired over sexual harassment designs web site on "How to not get caught at sexual harassment!"
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Low Rider's Only
Department of Transportation decides to not replace "Warning: 5-Foot Clearance Ahead" sign because of costs.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Just Like Marley
Michigan man says he can still hear his mother-in-law nagging him in the still of the night, three years after her death.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
US Propaganda Minister Gates Arrives in Afghanistan
US taxpayers vote to make him stay there.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Panic In Norway Explained
A mysterious light display appearing over Norway last night has leaving thousands in the north of the country baffled, turns out to be 'blue light special in aisle three at nearby store.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Warning Is Depressive
How warnings that cigarettes kill can make you smoke MORE (to help cope with the idea of your death). Take up drinking. Eat junk.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Teen's Problem List
Body hang-ups and bad skin top the list of teen troubles as one in three girls worry about their weight, old guys hanging around bathrooms.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Twins Born On Different Days!
Meet Alfie and Charlie - the twins who were born on different days. Amazingly, one born five seconds before midnight, the other fifteen seconds after. "This only happens once in 25 days", says Doc.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
"Hit That One Out Of The Park!"
Holy cow! Is white cross on calf's forehead a divine sign from above? Former Cub announcer,Harry Caray, appears in a vision to owner.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
US oldest Soap, "As the world turns" is booted out, what a f*****g relief!
One of the world's oldest soaps, "As the World Turns" is booted out, the world breathes lightlier from today and it's confirmed, there is a God afterall!
written by unknown
Feeding Cows Garlic
Feeding garlic to cows could help cut global warming. But you can only drink it with Italian food.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Couple Disappointed
Couple blow £27,000 life savings on chance to have dinner with legend Neil Diamond. "I thought it was Hennie's George at first!"
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Rembrandt Brings Record
Rembrandt auction sets £20million world record. "There's A Sucker Born Everyday" brings Dutch artist biggest price yet.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Tips On Safety
Buggy maker Maclaren sued by parents over pushchairs that severed children's fingertips. Several Rabbis also being sued.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Cinder Block Sells For £3,000
A £3,000 brick on show at an art exhibition has been stolen and replaced with a 40p version. Note left: "Didn't know I was an art collector until now. Will leave Cinder Block for free later."
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
"Glad They Won, Spoiled My Lunch"
Airport staff find out they have won a £2.6m Lotto fortune on Facebook moon long line waiting for their airline tickets.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Top Ten Appear Live!
Tiger Woods: Porn star Joslyn James is tenth woman linked to disgraced golfer. See all ten on Letterman's Top Ten list tonight.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Danica Patrick Wins Nascar's Biggest Prize
Millions of Dollars for having never driven in a Nascar race.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
You Fired Tomorrow!
Taxi driver sacked after he was captured on hidden CCTV telling partially blind pensioners: 'You die tonight'
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Icy Fortnight
Icy fortnight on the way... but chances of white Christmas, huge Holiday-fed asses still slim.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Number 10 Downing
Tiger Woods: Porn star Joslyn James is tenth woman linked to disgraced golfer. Eight more expected to complete 18 hole round.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Banks Refiguring Costs
Pre-Budget Report 2009: Banks to be hit with one-off levy on any bonuses over £25,000, passing it on to customers.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Tax Pays For Today
Darling hits everyone earning over £20,000 with 0.5% NI increase which should cover today's expenses, payouts.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Still Another Cover-Up!
A neo-Nazi gang member went on trial for murder on Monday with his swastika and other tattoos covered by makeup on the order of a Florida judge who thought they could prejudice Jewish jurors.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Seuss Sues Shenanigans!
NFL fines Ochocinco, $30K for poncho, sombrero. Also sued by estate of Dr. Seuss.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
It's A Start
All-Star center fielder Granderson headed to Yanks as part of 3-team deal. Signs for $1,000000000000000000000 for first year.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Pacific War Museum Dedicated
Senior Bush helps dedicate new Pacific War museum gallery by cutting, wearing ribbon. Jimmy Carter wears two ribbons.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
FAA Beeping Away!
The FAA said Tuesday it is forming a panel to examine the reliability of a telecommunications network that broke down last month, snarling air traffic beep beep boop beep...across the ..beep..country.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Obama is not calmer
"You bet I'm angry" said President Obama after hearing that Tiger Woods is selling the President's handkerchief on Ebay to cover costs of massive divorce case. First bid was for $450,000.00.
written by whatinthe world, 09 December 2009
Good Golly!
Early rocker Little Richard hospitalized after falling out of rocking chair.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Springsteen Supports Gay Marriages
Bruce Springsteen backs gay marriage in NJ. Exchanges rings with Clarence Clemons.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Expensive Study Concluded
Experts: Unopened parachute deaths could make big drop this year!
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Bunch Of Sickos
The US ranks near bottom in life expectancy among wealthy nations despite spending more than double per person on health care than the industrialized world's average, an economic group said Tuesday.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
The Power Of Placebos
British researchers: little evidence Tamiflu works as more placebo patients recover on average.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Texas Instruments Really Fasinating
Texas Instruments raises 4Q profit, sales targets. "Entrance into sex toy market was a brilliant idea", says CEO.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Anthropogenic Global Warming?
Is it a surprise that people believe this? Not when you consider so many more people believe in imaginary friends called 'gods' without any evidence. It makes AGW almost seem real. Who said human's are intelligent....?
written by Aisubeki Akiudo, 09 December 2009
Hubble: I Spy Another Sky
Hubble spies never-before-seen galaxies, not even seen by the USS Enterprise.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Bandaid Holding
The government's $700 billion bailout of financial system helped prevent an all-out panic last fall but hasn't met many of the targets Congress set out, a watchdog panel says. It's a good smokescreen.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Compromising The Compromising
Dean embraces Senate compromise on health care. "Just so long as we pass something called "The New Health Care Bill".
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Changed His Mind Again
A long-running effort to allow the import of lower-cost prescription drugs faces a new twist: President Obama's need for cash from US drug companies for 2012 Presidential run.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Beware The Woods At Night
Woman's 911 call from Woods' home to 'Hurry up' pretty par for the course, say EMT medics.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Copenhagen Clashes
Rich vs. poor clash at Copenhagen over money, lack of money, a pot to piss in.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
GOP In Spotlight
Kennedy special election puts GOP in spotlight. Sarah Palin to open up with a little shimmy shimmy number, then a Larry Craig toe tapper.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Jungle Out There!
Extremely dangerous' blizzards move into Midwest, followed by extremely cold, hungry buzzards.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Grant Alleviates Traffic Problem
Grant to alleviate traffic in the area! Ghost of former Union leader, President sending traffic around that part of town.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Top iTunes
Peas, Kings of Leon, Monk Theme top iTunes best sellers of 2009. Just kidding about Monk, but it IS a jungle out there.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Could Be 20-30 Year Wait
Iraqi PM asks for patience after Baghdad bombings. "We're building them back as fast as possible."
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
New Congress Bill Readied
Congress readies huge year-end, rear-end spending bill to get us all off our asses and back to work.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
House Looking Into Football Playoffs
House panel considers college football playoffs. Place Iraq, Afghanistan, high unemployment, health care on hold.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Ricky Gervais - NEWS TV SERIES
The comic genius from Reading has declared a revival of the show that made him rich and famous - but with a twist. 'The Orifice' will star Gervais as manager of a anal bleaching clinic.
written by Aisubeki Akiudo, 09 December 2009
Drink & Run Away From Disease
Having a few more cups of coffee and running that extra mile each day can reduce a man's risk of dying of prostate cancer, two studies indicate. Study sponsored by Starbucks, Nike!
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Wonder Who That Could Be?
US Air Force confirms 'Beast of Kandahar' drone. Drone seeks out individuals or groups before exploding, telling enemies: Beware the knock on the door!
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
States Cut Tobacco Ads
Report: States cut funding for tobacco prevention. Mostly just use slogan: "Don't smoke. Don't chew, You big idiot, you!"
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
New Afghan Plan
US officials predict success for new Afghan plan as #7 is always lucky!
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Al Gore - The Greedy Lying Bore
He talks crap, scares billions of people, backtracks on what he says, admtting he may not have got it right - and makes $1 BILLION on the back of it....!!
written by Aisubeki Akiudo, 09 December 2009
Hundreds of Women Flock to Meet Amorous Dolphin
Women in New Zealand are flocking to see a teenage oversexed, delinquent dolphin. One woman said; " Most of the men on the island are more interested in sheep, so it makes a refreshing change!"
written by IN SEINE, 09 December 2009
Tiger Woods Porn Star? Pics Being Shopped Around
Reports are now in that pics of Tiger in the raw and roaring are being shopped around. Playgirl Magazine has apparently been approached to see "what their interest level would be" for the pics.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Uma Thurman has broken off her engagement to multi-millionaire
Said Uma: "I want a spoofer".
written by Tcoah, 09 December 2009
Ground control to Major Tom
A New Jersey man arrived home from work to find that NASA scientists had taken over his house and had converted it into ground station for space flights. However,he realised he was really in Houston.
written by whatinthe world, 09 December 2009
Dexter inspires nationwide crimewave
The popular TV show "Dexter" is credited with 27 copycat serial killers from coast to coast. The original producer was unavailable for comment, as were the original writers and sponsors.
written by unknown
Obama's America
The poor are hanging about office buildings at 10am each morning, in the hopes of getting the "short" from the smokers on break.
written by unknown
Primitive tribe discovered
A tribe in the Amazon was recently discovered that was so primitive that they had not yet invented the wheel, fire, or masturbation. They declined the wheel and fire, but were thankful for the last.
written by unknown
Dems Reach Deal to Drop Public Insurance Option
The deal reportedly involves the insurance companies agreeing not to donate to the opposition candidate's campaign fund in the next re-election in return for protecting insurance company profits.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Elin Woods Purchases Mansion on Island Off Swedish Coast
Sending a message, Elin Woods has purchased a mansion on an island off the coast of Sweden. Reports are in that the Town Mayor has ordered all young women on the island to die their hair black.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Democrats Announce Broad Agreement on Healthcare Bill
They reached a broad agreement with insurance companies that provides millions of new polices and allows those companies to increase their profits by not providing services.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
US Senator Suggests Making War Machine Companies Be Made Non-Profit
Reports are coming in that say a US Senator has just been killed by a mob of angry Senators.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Mystery Plane Unveiled in Afghanistan
The spy drone was questioned being used in a country with no radar, but sources have disclosed it flies high and can follow low jack signals. It will now be leased by sponsors to track Tiger Woods.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Clown Was There Too
Crashers' won't testify if subpoenaed. "If Bozos like Al Franken can be there, why can't we?"
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Back To Normal
Tiger Woods' mother-in-law home from hospital hasn't stopped talking for four hours.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Sometimes You're the Bug
Entrepreneur in Florida is now stuck with 100,000 "Tiger Woods For President!" signs he was planning on selling at PGA courses next year.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Slight Name Change
Entertainment Today: Michael Jackson now crowned as the King of Pop-Offs!
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Grow Our Own!
US Agriculture report says the the US must become less dependent on foreign soil.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Holiday Hits
Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Tiger and Elin Woods dolls may be the hit of this year's Holiday season.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Spooky Date
Man with hook for hand tells young couple parked off to themselves, "Hey, let's do it Urban Legend style."
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
A Sure Tip-Off
Neighbors of caught Midnight Strangler say they should have been suspicious after seeing him outside window choking his chicken many nights.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Obama Grants Status
President Obama grants France and Mexico most-flavored Nations status!
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
We Needed That
Crowd going to work on Chicago street this morning say that those terroristic water balloons were a wake-up call.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Families Brought Together
Hard economic times forcing more and more families to shop by ripping off things.
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
Tiger Revival
The Dell Publishing House has announced that they are bringing back the old magazine, "Tiger Beat".
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
The Office Boor
Guy at office keeps talking to ladies about how awful sexual harassment is, but they suspect that he just loves to say "sexual her ass mint"
written by Bureau, 09 December 2009
McChrystal: Uprooting Bin Laden key to Winning in Afghanistan
McChrystal confirmed the US has not had any info about Bin Laden in years and he might be an illusion. However, he said the debt to US taxpayers for the military expedition would not be an illusion.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 09 December 2009
Miranda to be re-wrote
Just telling a public school educated suspect that they have the right to remain silent isn't enough, it's argued. The police must also duct tape the suspect's mouth closed, ruled the Supreme Court.
written by unknown
