Tiger quits PGA, joins NBA
claims NBA more understanding and don't mind a lot of screwing around...plus their balls are bigger and more in keeping with his new image!
written by Morse, 04 December 2009
Easier To Throw Away Later
The United States Postal Service looking for new ways to cut losses says you will receive all your holiday cards in one big collage.
New Union Blamed
Although the price of oil a barrel has stabilized, the price of chicken is going up. Many accuse the forming of the new union, OPECK!
Tigers Friends Sceptical
Friends of Tiger Woods say they can't believe the names of some of the women he's supposedly been seeing. "Some of these women have seen more ceilings than Michelangelo."
U.S. gets first signs of winter as Hibbing, Minnesota area has seen more teens than Roman Polanski.
Landed In Parking Lot
London News Reports that during one period last week during storm the wind was so high, 3 Ford Focus were circling Heathrow Airport at one time.
Homeland Security Chairman faces ethics probe
He apparently threatened credit card companies with costly regulatory oversight, then dropped that when they donated to his campaign. Citizens around the U.S. are wondering - isn't that standard?
Journalist goofs up bomb threat
In South Africa some silly news-making reporter (sorry for the redundancies), dropped a bag that he said had a bomb in it and ran. Obviously journalism class teaches to phone these in for safety.
Walla Walla Bang Bang!
British report on Iraqi War early days: "It didn't help when President Bush referred to 30-day Muslim fast as "Ramalama Dingdong!"
New Study Released
New Study: Monkeys, NFL Offensive Linemen recognize other monkeys, NFL Offensive Linemen in photos.
Watering Down Began?
Is Congress watering down health-bill provisions, soup kitchen offerings?
New Operations Launched
U.S. launches Operation 'Cobra's Anger' in Afghanistan, 'Retiring Tiger' in Florida.
"Why are the Salahi's still in the news?"
That is the question that every news organization on Earth is asking, each pretending that they are lone new agency puzzled by this universal media overkill on the fluff story.
Nuns offer bribe
Almost $200 million was offered to victims of child abuse by Irish nuns. Said a spokesnun, "We are offering this fast cash now, so you don't clobber us for real money later."
According To Writing Spider
Illiterate spider monkey goes apeshit wild, attacks signing gorilla!
President Obama Criticized
President Obama criticized about his remarks on (Fill in space here) on FOX News.
Siamese Separation Successful!
A pair of Siamese cats have been successfully separated in Seoul, South Korea as citizen there sends one of his two mouse catchers to his friend down the block.
Big Discovery In Israel
Israel, as luck would have it, say they have struck the mother of all steering fluid wells!
Rat Explosion In California
Three juveniles in Sacramento, California have been arrested for catching rats and sticking their tails into electric wall outlets.
Killers Picking Up Your Trash
Killers and drug smugglers on the bin round: Fury as Rubbish are employed to collect rubbish.
Couple Get Refund
£60,000 cruise gave us cabin fever: Couple get refund after 'noisy nightmare'. "Could hardly bang with all the loud banging as water hitting boat."
A Serious Player
Britain invaded Iraq to prove it was a 'serious player' but warned against 'shock and awe', wearing jumpsuits on aircraft carriers.
Condom saboteur on the loose at Cambridge University as contraceptives are found pierced with pin holes. Seven professors found passed out on the floor.
Then Where Is Mine?
£40,000 a family: The taxpayers' cash used to fund the £850billion bailout. Callers told, "It's in the post, probably strikers got it."
Happens Every Time
Tiger Woods' mother and mother-in-law 'were at his home when he crashed outside'. So that settles the reason for the argument.
Conman In The Parade
Hunt for Remembrance Day conman who marched with 'impossible' haul of 121 medals! "Deserved 122nd for being able to hold up his chest", says fellow idiot.
It'll Be Rocks Next!
Fellow Iraqi turns tables on Bush shoe-thrower as protesting escalates from shoes to tables.
Woods' fall from grace rekindles role-model debate. "At least we still have Britney", say parents.
Another Magazine Folds
National Geographic Adventure magazine has ceased publication of its print edition as most of the world are on sedatives.
"Up In The Air" Best Film?
NBR names 'Up in the Air' best film of the year. Runner up is still up in the air!
Study finds hospitals speeding heart attack care. One gurney clocked at 50 MPH.
Side Effects Of Shots
Glaxo's new swine flu shot may give kids fever, other Swine Flu symptoms!
Told To Watch Water Levels, Language
Global warming, those planning to spend trillions on it, may require higher dams!
Everyone Climbed It Yet?
Nepal holds highest Cabinet meeting at Mt. Everest. Lose three to frostbite.
Joe Takes Over GM
AP sources: GM to announce management changes as President appoints new Automobile Czar, Joe the Grease Monkey.
Wrong Prisoner Released?
Eddyville Prison somehow frees the wrong prisoner named Mohammed. At least they think so.
Palin Encouraged To Run
Sarah Palin's fans push for 2012 presidential run, mostly jogging in short shorts.
Plus Five Word Limit Daily
Official says Iran to limit cooperation with IAEA to staring contest.
Silver Bells Project targets seniors in area, especially those little gray-haired ladies with spunk!
Note From The Fire Department
Firefighters battle blaze in Richardsville, Indiana, 55 other places. To see if you are in one of those on fire, go outside and check.
UFO Hotline Unplugged
Britain pulls the plug on its UFO hotline. Recommend callers switch to "Ghostbusters".
Polanski, That Stinker!
Roman Polanski begins house arrest in Gstaad. Spends first two days in bath.
One Of Life's Mysteries
350-pound Kentucky man still can't figure out why he's getting so fat on doughnut holes.
House Democrat says someone should have helped the Secret Service clear people at last week's state dinner, saying "even Walmart has a greeter. WalMart launches lawsuit after comparison.
Attack The Evidense
United Nations to probe climate e-mail leak that Global Warming purposely inflated. Condemns method of those catching those who were lying.
Who's Who Amont The Angry
Anger is more likely among the young, those with children at home, and the less educated, a new report finds. Report was torn in half and taped back together.
A New Discovery?
Physically active boys are smarter, study hints. Blood goes to the brain instead of swelling penis during sports.
More Jobs Doing Whatever
Obama, lawmakers target bailout fund for jobs bill as United States government will hire all unemployed to 'go out there and do some good things'.
NATO Commits 7,000
NATO allies commit 7,000 more troops to Afghanistan, including French chefs who hope to get the Taliban hooked on sauces and off goatburgers.
News Around The Old Clubhouse
The Tiger Woods thing is having an effect on a lot of people. Today Hillary Clinton went out and bought herself a full set of golf clubs, plus another for Chelsea.
51-Year-Old Kermit The Frog has been turned down as a representative for the AARP because of "croaking', same for Miss Piggy who reminds people of the Swine Flu. Settle on Vanna White, 51 also.
The Right Stuff
According to British scientists human transplant organs from pigs are only 2-4 years away. "Should work", says surgeon. Most of these heart patient's have pigged out for years.
Senate Fights Over Health
Democrat and Republicans continue o fight over the Obama health care bill. So far, there have been no knockouts but a few black eyes and broken teeth.
If you say you like Susan Boyle...
...then you don't have to feel bad for the fat and ugly girls you teased in school. At least a gallup poll says that's the only reason any one pays attention to this 250 pound train stopper.
Elf terrorizes Atlanta mall
A man dressed as an elf waited in line to sit on Santa's lap. When it was his turn, he told Santa he had dynamite, but really didn't. I don't know what to add to this to make it funnier than it is.
Colorado deputies taser ten year old
"That kid was hopped up on ritalin and Pop Tarts", said the Sheriff. "There were only three deputies there and the kid had a stick. In fear of their lives, they had to taser the kid. It was scary."
Nebraska Accident Kills Three
A cow has exploded on the Herman Lindsey farm in Roanoke, Nebraska. The blast killed Lindsey who was milking her and her calf that was apparently feeding on Herman.
Tombstone Mover Caught!
A Clarksville, Tn. man has been caught exchanging headstones after 10 years on the loose. The transferred headstones has caused considerable grief to the families and set the Mormons back six years.