Didn't Know He Had One
Nancy Pelosi explains remark about Dick Cheney acting like Hitler. "I meant his brother, Madoff Hitler.
At Recession Prices
Some good bargains reported at Wyoming nuclear and biological self defense indoor flea market.
Archaeologist looking for that special someone for a little carbon dating.
President Barack Obama upset after someone misplaces Congress and Senate's rubber stamps.
Botox Improves Vision?
Report: Botox may help migraine sufferers as they could be able to see whole angels and not just halos.
Since None Left
Report: The U.S. may have no uncontaminated rivers, streams, creeks left. "Then we can save money by quit checking", say Congressional Committee.
Logs Being Kept
White House plans to make visitor logs public. "After the big fat guy yesterday", says attendant, "we've contacted the Guinness Book Of Records over that 24-inch turd."
The Lollipop Guild
There is a deepening row in France over the lengths gone to by President Nicolas Sarkozy's aides in order to conceal his short stature. Says he's getting weary of hearing about The Yellow Brick Road!
Council turns 'offensive' Spotted Dick into Spotted Richard to spare blushes of diners. Also, Pussy Willow outside the window now called Cracked Willow.
Rumor of a 400-pound bum in the neighborhood has small town in Tennessee behind locked doors and in "Bum Shelters".
Let's Be Fair
President Barack Obama says that if he does decide to eliminate Iran's nuclear facilities, he will first consult with experts, send former President Bush picture book.
It's official, indian men have small DICKS!
Condom producer, Durex, have confirmed the fact that Indian Men are small and their Dicks too. Indian women have been recently reported to be buying masses of giant Bananas!
written by Jaggedone, 29 December 2009
FOX Reality Show
FOX Network announces that they have a contract with the Vatican and sometimes in the future, will air new reality show, "Who Wants To Be Pope?"
Why We Stink
Judging from the looks of the earth's condition in general, scientist now says the Big Bang might have been a stink bomb!
Hole In Pocket
Joe Biden accidentally gives Iran's Ahmadinejad bombing plans for nuclear strike on plants.
A saddened Ralph Nader informed that there is no use hanging around the international date line as that is for keeping time, not where women of the world show up to look you over.
Terrorist Warning Down
Latest terrorist alert back down to "Shoe" after spending three days as "Underwear".
Leans Head Forward While Talking
Nancy Pelosi temporarily asks leave of the House until botched facelift can get her eyes off her forehead.
Crop Circles Natural
FBI, CIA agree that crop circles are natural occurrences, probably done by ringworm.
Accused Money Launderer OK
Formerly accused money launderer given a clean bill of health after cleaning up his act.
Pirates Seize Tanker
Somali pirates attack British tanker, sharks attack Somali pirates.
In the latest video, Osama Bin Laden claims he's on the space station, floats around with a goat.
Palestinians and Israelis agree on limited salaries for CEO's.
Has To Turn Back & Change When Showing Disapproval
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced that she has been a lot happier after arranging her face to smile.
King Opens Twitter Account
Larry King has opened a Twitter account. So far it's been, "Good sale on suspenders at Macys", "I've lost my pants" and "I've misplaced my teeth".
BT customer told keeping her phone number would cost her £22,000, but rival firm does the job for just £99. "Must have had a 'special' on says BT.
Criminal Taunts Police
Escaped criminal taunts police on Facebook as he enjoys Christmas on the run. "You'll never she the last, of Ernest T. Bass!"
Number of motorists caught speeding in town halved, after speed cameras were AXED in two.
Banksy in graffiti war with fellow street artist after painting over 24-year-old mural. Other artist sprays over Banksy art work, Banksy.
Too Many Speeches, Awards?
Obama tired after first year, has to have a drawing of Detroit terrorist attack on Flight 253.
Boyle In Japan
Susan Boyle brings her act to Japan. Rolls on the floor laughing after seeing her first sumo wrestler.
China Goes Ahead WiIth Execution
China confirms mental patient Briton's execution, despite UK plea. UK calls Chinese leaders a group of mental cases.
Not A Good Time To Fly
Confusion fills skies after attempted bombing as planes landing in the wrong state, country, accuse baby pacifiers as bombs.
OK, You CAN Act Worth Crap
Charlie Sheen's wife told police the actor pinned her on a bed, put a knife to her throat & threatened to kill her in a Christmas fight in Aspen that began by her saying he couldn't act worth crap.
Broadcasters' woes could spell trouble for free TV. You'll either have to pay for watching any TV or endure 15 minute commercials.
Just A Joke
Couple stranded 3 days after GPS leads them astray into sewage treatment plant. Manufacturer blames programmer who was fired.
Disinfectants Cause Some Bacteria to Adapt, Thrive, Star in TV commercials!
China finds likely tomb of 3rd century well-preserved, well-endowed general from the Hung Dynasty.
Protesters Paid By West!
Iran accuses West of fomenting violent protests. "The opposition is not from Iran, just appear to be Iranians", say leaders.
Who's In Charge?
Key security agencies lack permanent leaders as Obama too bogged down in health care issue.
A Little Late
Obama orders review of airline safety procedures as "barn door closed after the horse escapes."
Security for Pope to be Tightened
Pope will now descend from clouds only on Christmas and Easter Sundays.
American Airlines Announces New Security Measures
Results for passengers:
(1)Three hours or more just for boarding.
(3) Security Personnel eat some of your McDonald's hamburger before you board.
I'm outta here - the other side has won!
China Confirms Briton's Execution Despite UK Pleas
Suspect was caught smuggling drugs by the tub load. In country where the death penalty is applicable to less than a couple of ounces, he indeed must have been completely and totally insane.
Fortune Teller Predicts a Hung Parliament in UK for 2010
A fortune teller from Worcester as predicted a 'well hung' parliament in 2010. This comes as a result of using asparagus!
written by IN SEINE, 29 December 2009
Bra Boutiqe Owners Share Success Secrets
They always use nubile young girls with perky tits in their advertisements.
Wannabe success follows immediately.
Charlie Sheen's Wife says Actor Husband Threatend Her at Knifepoint
Looks like Charlie has been doing a little too much Charlie again.
Drummer 4 Avenged Sevenfold found dead at California Home
Paramedics stated that the band member had no drumbeat and pronounced him dead at the scene.
Best & Worst Careers for 2009 In Review
Worst: any that are not a part of a government payroll
Why Lie Detectors Fail on Kids
Today's kids only know how to lie
Terrorist Fails in Attempt to Blow Up Airliner
This brilliant dude sewed the explosives into his underwear. As the igniter failed to operate properly only his family jewels lit up. Perfect for New year celebration, not so hot for jail activities.
The World Suffers Back Problems
More than ever before, people around the world are suffering from back problems;
back taxes, back rent, back car payments.
written by IN SEINE, 29 December 2009
Ridge: No "US" Style Rights for Attempted Plane Bombing Suspect
Harry Callahan brought in to determine what "style" of rights suspect is to have in the US.
Females incarcerated without men, who are forced into an agonizing and humiliating lesbian lifestyle, apparently are still alive but not quite sane and demonstrate the strong will all women posses.
written by howy, 29 December 2009
Religion equated to insanity
Religions around the world, with their chanting and dancing, have not yet solved the problems with poverty, hunger, diseases and crime.
written by howy, 29 December 2009
On Decenber 24th, 2009:
Senator Max Baucus(Drunk-Montana),voted "Whoopie!" on the Fruit Cake Reform Bill. After he sobered up he was informed that he had actually voted "Yes" for Health Care Reform.
written by Adam Click, 29 December 2009
Down To Five Times A Night
A very worn out Lois Lane admits that she has always washed Superman's shorts with Kryptonite powder.
First Time Together
Pope Benedict XVI says that the reason he was photographed with former Miss World, Miss USA and Miss Universe was that all four of them were coming out in wishing peace on the earth.
Although most Americans say they do not "want the government in their bedroom", a few say they have a few tricks they would like to show off.
Wanted Virgins Bad
Three men in Yemen get so upset with airplane being late they blow themselves up at Sanaa airport.
Better To Be An Idiot?
Idiots look down on Idiot Savants. "At least we can make up our feet about what we want without counting peckers."
Wearing Wedding Banned
Millions of couples around the world also want opposite sex marriages banned.
Still Recycling 2000 Yr Old Piss
Martians report that if there's any water exists there, they sure haven't been able to find it.
Public Service Announcement
The US Post Office reminds everyone that if they are sending anthrax through the mail to use gloves and their special plastic-lined envelopes.
I Knew You'd Write That!
Time Traveler reports that he is constantly suffering from deja vous.
Comes & Gos
Melting, refreezing melting Arctic ice blamed on Bipolar disorder of Mother Nature.