Santa Claus complains: 'I have only three hos. Ho, ho, and ho.'
'But Tiger Woods has 14 hos you know about, and he has 134 others you never heard of.'
written by Helen Tarnation, 31 December 2009
Previous Owner: Let 'Em Burn!
Park rangers in California say that a new fire there could destroy hundreds of abandoned million dollar homes.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Village Idiot Hope To March Back Home
Village Idiots march on London to protest something they forgot on the way, show up in Manchester.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Keeping Us Posted
President Obama on his news report speech tonight stated that he farted three times in a row last night in bed.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Rush: No More Hunting Trips.
Doctors now say that Rush Limbaugh may have had a heart attack. "After all, he had just been shot in the face by Dick Cheney."
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Biden Wants New Caddy
Joe Biden says he's getting rid of his golf caddy. "Unlike me he's bald, and he keeps picking up divots and placing them on his head and saying, "Space, the final frontier."
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Hopeful partyer worries about Green Kool-Aid
'I heard about the Jim Jones cult', he says. 'Talk about dead drunks. Should I?'
written by Helen Tarnation, 31 December 2009
Desperate plea for advice: 'Should I snog my boss at the party?'
'If you want a raise, make sure the snog is on camera', says Orpha Finwrey.
written by Helen Tarnation, 31 December 2009
Expert: 'Don't let Tiger near the punch bowl.'
Tiger Woods is known for indiscriminate relocations of bodily fluids.
written by Helen Tarnation, 31 December 2009
Reeling and puking set to dominate New Year's celebrations
Police and despondent crowds plan on 'mass public comas' to usher in pointless New Year.
written by Helen Tarnation, 31 December 2009
Economy Claims Another One
Big Al Kayta's Fireworks & Legal Explosives goes out of business.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
New Years Special
Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga said to be looking for something really wild to wear New Year's night.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Playboy Sales Off
This month in Playboy: "Women who Were Once Men!" not selling well.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Wile E. Coyote Sick
Wile E. Coyote comes down with a severe case of chicken flu from overheating himself during chase scene.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Admits Mistake
In an official statement today, the heads of Blackwater apologize for past, future mistakes.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Obama Rerun Tonight
Prime Time Obama speech rerun on television tonight just in case you missed it last week.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
AT&T Drops Tiger Woods as Sponsor
A definite sign things are improving for the Golf Great!
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
Traverlers: Will they Trade Shyness for Security?
Will TSA Security Personnel and Baggage Handlers stop stealing from passengers?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
No Heart Attack
Latest: Rush Limbaugh did not have a heart attack. Physicians say they could find no heart at all.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Not Reading His E-Mails
New commission formed to try to find out "Why Johnny's penis is so short?"
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Tough Old Buggers
Chinese snakehead fish fight fishermen until he reels him in and then fight him again in the boat.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Russia To Launch Missile?
Russia may send spacecraft to hit asteroid with slim chance of hitting Earth. Obama: "You weren't supposed to tell that to the public at large."
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Gore: Keep A Lookout
Al Gore says that you should turn in your neighbor for wasting our natural resources, polluting our waterways according to all the usual police state standards.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Underwear On Fire Punishment Enough?
President Obama says terrorist who tried to blow up plane Christmas day will be sent to Saudi Arabia to be 'taught a lesson'.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Won't Pay Off All Debts
Apparently bankrupt Chicago Cubs will auction off their players on eBay!
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Nation Too Sports Minded?
New York Times study shows that 75% of Monday morning quarterbacks are on steroids.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Why We're Fat?
New poll reveals that most Americans are fed up with both democrats, republicans, television shows, neighbors, polls.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Quite A Show
Rumor: Live coverage of first trials of Guantanamo prison detainees in the US already sold to The History Channel, Comedy Central.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
No Virgins For You!
Heavy rains credited with causing suicide bomber vehicle crash, explosion.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Where's Cheney?
Obama's friends say that Cheney never reported staying anywhere near Washington DC, while criticizing President. Believe he still has a secret bunker.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Too Far Away From Counter
McDonalds employees beginning to get carpal tunnel problems after having to toss products to obese customers.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Dallas/Washington Game Interesting
Tony Romo throws football through Redskin defender. Prompts more calls for drug testing.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Cooking The Books
Local bookkeeper arrested after police officers, looking for a runaway, catch him with company's records boiling in a big pot.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Soused Pilots Arrested
Two more commercial pilots busted for drinking in New York. "Try to excuse behavior by showing officers that they weren't flying for the next 3 days", says arresting cop.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Military soldiers are jealous
Foreign military soldiers are jealous of Saudi Arabians because Saudi's are allowed to be married to 4 beautiful, young women while foreign soldiers have to fudge pack their asses in male barracks.
written by howy, 31 December 2009
Drinkers Swindled?
Nine out of ten pints are sold short, trading standards officers discover. Bartenders say that tenth of pint is in the head.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Mother Popping Them Out
Christmas must go on! Wonder mother pops out kid and then pops turkey out of oven two hours later.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Recycling Champs
Meet the ultimate green family who recycle so much they only filled one rubbish bin in 2009. "With the right tenderizer & marinade, even old leather shoes can be eaten."
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Don't Get Sick Tonight
Tories to hit drinkers with £500 fine if they end up in hospital. Non-drinkers, only £200.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Prices Up On Non-Selling Houses
House prices rose by 5.9% in 2009 as property market fights back from credit crunch gloom. May rise another 6% this year. However, still no sales.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Manufacturers Moving back
1 in 7 British manufacturers move production back to the UK amid concerns over poor child labor quality and high transportation costs
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Bin Men Attacks
Fury over rubbish collections sees three assaults a week on binmen, new figures show. Bullet proof vests, bulldog proof pants issued.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Going Home
It's back home to Mother: Year of recession forces half a million adults aged 35 to 44 to return to live with parents. That's 5% more than any previous year.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Sheen Reconciliation
Lawyers: Sheens want to reconcile despite arrest after Charlie promises not to overdo beating next time.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Freddie's Fanny Too Big
Fannie, Freddie proving too big to shrink as Preparation F (for funding) didn't work so well in 2009.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Currency Crackdown
North Korea bans foreign currencies in market clampdown as several nations ban North Korean currency.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
New Scanners Thorough
Airline attack could lead to more new scanners at airports. "Bend over and spread your cheeks, please."
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Macho Men Coming Out Of Cakes!
NH gay couples to start New Year with wedding vows, bachelor parties, shivarees.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Optimistic!
AP-GfK Poll: Americans seek more silver linings, silk purses in 2010.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Collections Up
Kettle fundraising goals surpassed for The Salvation Army. "We'll be able to afford twice as many kettles next year", says officer.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
More Appropiate
The phrase "shovel ready," incessantly invoked by the Obama administration this year as a way to sell its $787 billion federal stimulus bill, died Thursday & replaced by "Shovel the shit!"
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Appliance Rebates Coming
Smart Spending: Federal appliance rebates launch. Consumers could get up to $20 rebate on their Curvy Kitten Vibrators, Magic Fingers.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Limbaugh Having Chest Pains
Millions of Ditto Heads concerned as Limbaugh Rushed to the hospital with chest pains.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Night To Howl!
Rare New Year's Eve 'blue moon' to ring in 2010 with many werewolves doing Howling Wolf's old blues favorites at bars, night clubs celebrations.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Famous Tavern Closes
NYC's Tavern on the Green restaurant bites the dust. Families must now take picnic into Central Park after clearing of snow.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Don't Muff It!
Russia may send spacecraft to knock away asteroid, or it could change course toward the earth.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
The Games Afoot
President Obama to receive preliminary report on airline attack. See burnt underwear up close. Wear deerstalker, use magnifying glass.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Al-Qaida Takes Credit
Al-Qaida takes credit of El Nina effects of 2009, say they will launch another in 2010.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
"Zombie Attack!"
4 out of 10 people who see hacked Hi-way signs warning about Zombies attacking, believe them. The other six are zombies already!
written by Adam Click, 31 December 2009
Poll: Surely Next Year Will be Better
Indeed. We could get a great start by having O'Bama quit and take all of his appointees with him.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
Rush Limbaugh Hospitalized!
Get well gifts so far range from "Die Baby, Die" cards to tea bags laced with arsenic.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian did call and ask if he needed a visit however.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
Chertoff Says Underwear Bomber Created "Complex Device Subject to Failure"
Hmmm, seems more like a super simple device prepared by an incompetent Rufus with little or no training. Had a fart been required for detonation, that would have been a complex device.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
New $ 3.8 Billion Dollar Bailout for GMAC!
'Tis the Season to be Jolly, Fa la la la laaa la la la laaa.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
They're The Enemy! Its Al-Quaida, They are Trying to Get Us!!
I fully expect to see Yemeni missiles flying overhead to Washington D.C. any moment now. err.. US missiles flying over head to Yemen any time now?
Was that Dick Cheney holding the puppet strings?
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
Dick Cheney: "O'Bama Trying to Pretend"
Actually the rest of us are trying to forget -
forget that Dick Cheney was ever allowed to sink the US into multi-trillion dollars wars that can't be won and profit people like.........Dick Cheney
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
Pacqiao Sues Mayweather Over Insinuaitons
Manny firmly denies he is a rump ranger.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 31 December 2009
"Hmmm, I Heard It!"
President Obama says Christmas terrorist threat a complete surprise to him. However, his mother-in-law, Marion Robinson says she overheard two towelheads discussing it at White House party.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Balances Out
Barack Obama gets an 'F' for protecting Americans, but an 'A' for blaming his security people.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Not Even Friends
Hollywood's hottest couple say they are not really serious, just good at having sex.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Credibility Also
Most recent find by archaeologists push the big bang theory back at least ten years.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Biden Happy Already
New Year Celebration early? Biden says the terrorist got on the plane because the long arm of the law was stopped by an invisible hand from somewhere. Told to go to bed by Obama.
written by Bureau, 31 December 2009
Lesbian sex
When lesbians have sex they exchange sexual favors to get cheap orgasms but sometimes they engage in violent fights when one lesbian feels she gave more than what she got.
written by howy, 31 December 2009
Tiger Woods: 'I should have used a full-body condom'
'A condom like that', he says, 'would have ensured that nobody saw me coming.'
written by Helen Tarnation, 31 December 2009
