There were 19,566 spoof news snippets published in 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Palin Speaks Out!
Puts bumper sticker on her Suburban reading "My daughter is faster than your honor student." She probably didn't think that through too well.
written by Daniel Williams, 13 February 2009
Madonna Tells Press Alex Rodriguez has 12" Penis
"See, they don't call him A Rod for nothing." Madonna tells reporters, "Though his balls are tiny and he has a hairy back."
written by Daniel Williams, 17 February 2009
Madonna Tests Positive For Steroids
The pop star reportedly blamed it on Alex Rodriguez's "secret sauce"
written by Daniel Williams, 21 February 2009
Michael Jackson Dies of Heart Attack
In other news, NAMBLA is searching for a new spokesman
written by Daniel Williams, 25 June 2009
Jackson's Death Rocks Business World
Lojack© Corporation says it will discontinue its Lojack For Kids© program
written by Daniel Williams, 26 June 2009
Jackson's Death: Oh Ye of Little Faith
Estimates show that as many as 23% of atheists now report a belief in a higher power
written by Daniel Williams, 26 June 2009
King of Pop Dead
Children all over Iran heard to be chanting "Allah Akbar"
written by Daniel Williams, 25 June 2009
Authorities Discover Incomplete, "Disturbing" Jackson Family Photobook
Police decline to comment on the pictures of Jackson with his children, except to say that the working title was "Hop on Pop"
written by Daniel Williams, 26 June 2009
Michael Jackson Busted!
Pays ultimate price in a cosmic episode of "To Catch a Predator"
written by Daniel Williams, 26 June 2009
Michael Jackson's Death Leaves Aftershocks
CEO of Fox Broadcasting Company announces they will be canceling their newest reality program, "Touched by a Jackson"
written by Daniel Williams, 26 June 2009
Psychologists Say Jackson Misunderstood Golden Rule
Jesus did not mean that he should do to little boys what he would like them to do to him.
written by Daniel Williams, 27 June 2009
Sarah Palin's Consignment Shop Changes Name
Out of the Closet owner Ellen Arvold changes store name to Second Run, "We needed to change our name to protect our identity- we are in the business of selling vintage clothing-not snake oil."
written by Daniel Williams, 01 April 2009
Grim Reaper Tries To Make Ammends
His press secretary says to make up for the death of Farrah Fawcett, he decided to take out two scourges on society:Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.
written by Daniel Williams, 28 June 2009
Michael Jackson Autopsy Shockers
Officials say they literally found the little boy in Jackson. Not sure how he got there, doctors estimate the young child asphyxiated inside the pop star at some point in the 80's
written by Daniel Williams, 03 July 2009
Governor Sarah Palin Resigns
In response to her functional illiteracy becoming public knowledge, Palin steps down. Governor's press secretary disputes this, saying she is resigning "cause Jesus told her to"
written by Daniel Williams, 03 July 2009
Michael Jackson Rocks Google!
The site reports that since his death, web searches for "dead pedophile" have gone up over 130,000%.
written by Daniel Williams, 05 July 2009
Glenn Beck shocker
Tells the world he has a "deep seated hatred" of intelligent people.
written by Daniel Williams, 30 July 2009
Fox News is Number 1!
Among people with extreme mental deficiencies.
written by Daniel Williams, 20 August 2009
Flynt, Francis request injection of federal money
With the American economy gone limp, sex drive in the United States has also decreased. Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have requested $5 billion to supplement flaccid DVD sales.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
Joe Wilson "Obama IS dithering, I looked it up!"
"dithering heights has always been one of my favorite books, too."
written by Daniel Williams, 07 November 2009
Writing on Wall for M & S
Finance gurus claim they saw the writing on the wall for Marks & Spencer belt-tightening the day when they started charging 5 pence for a previously free carrier bag to carry their overpriced tat.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Miss Who
BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.
written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Bea Arthur died of swine flu?
After learning more about the disease, Bea Arthur's family admits fib about cancer. Said they were afraid people would assume she had been intimate with a pig.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 April 2009
Two Jags warned by Doctors
Porcine Labour MP for Kingston-on Pies, John 'Two Shags' Prescott, who was recently told by doctors to lose four stones of belly fat or die, today lost four stones.
written by Rusty, 08 January 2009
Puss in Boots?
Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.
written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Sarah Palin, Carrie Prejean sign movie deal
Will remake "Where the Heart Is." Prejean plays Novalee Nation, 17, abandoned by boyfriend. She moves into a Wall Mart, gives birth there, becomes media darling, is taken in by Sister Husband (Palin).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Slumdog Monopoly
The classic boardgame gets a modern twist. New "Chance" card reads, "Congratulations! You've just won 8 Oscars!" at which point you lose; communities are leveled and all properties returned to bank.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Now that's using your common cents...
San Francisco homeless man selling pennies by the pound as scrap copper. Since no one takes large numbers of pennies anymore, he says its easier, and he gets more money that way in today's economy.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 April 2009
Dolls Hit Top Xmas Toys for 2008
The hit list of top toys for Christmas 2008 were the Barbie and Ken Bondage set followed a close second by the Mrs. Beasley's Abortion Clinic.
written by Rusty, 06 January 2009
Now THAT'S a lot of hot air
Rush Limbaugh admitted to Hanging Chad Memorial Hospital in Pepticolon, Florida with 2nd degree burns on lips and tongue.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 April 2009
EweTube sensation
Susan Boyle to be fleeced of armpit locks, to be auctioned off for Jade Goody Reality Star Fund. Also up for grabs: The gigantic beige doily and white heels worn on Britain's Got Talent appearance.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 April 2009
Culture Shock
Lots of surprises for Susan Boyle who, upon meeting Ann Coulter for the first time, reportedly said, "Gol', she's a scary lookin' one, ain't she?"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 April 2009
Virgin Sacrifice
Plan revealed to secretly raise Bristol Palin's baby, later tossing her into Mount Redoubt's fiery calderon in attempt to appease fire gods and stop Alaskan permafrost from melting.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 April 2009
Not so paranoid, after all
Conspiracy theorist shocked to find it was all an elaborate hoax to make him THINK there was a conspiracy.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 April 2009
That explains everything...
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones hospitalized after injury in collapse while inspecting damage at Cowboys practice stadium. Surgeons discover he has primitive 3-chambered reptilian heart.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 May 2009
Craigslits gets the hits
New Internet site craigslits.com reporting mega-traffic and exponential subscription increases after Craigslist decides to drop "erotic" services.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Swine Flu Epidemic Traced to Fabled Chupacabra
Ramon Payaso of El Campamento, Mexico sighted beast 3 weeks ago. While inspecting its porcine victims, he exposed himself to swine flu virus, now believed to have originated in the chupacabra.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 May 2009
TheSpoof.com writer goes Green!
First, he recycles The Onion, passing off their spoof stories as his own work. He then recycles the newspaper a second time, using it to line his birdcage!
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 April 2009
Morning Wood
Stumped, adolescent Pinocchio asks Gepetto why he keeps getting stiff in his "private area." Gepetto not surprised - has noticed the boy sniffing Figaro and Cleo a lot lately.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 April 2009
Boy, Are Our Faces Red
Dozens of protesters arrive in Fargo, North Dakota to find the "big dike" they were after is actually a giant flood barrier being constructed to protect downtown area from flooding Red River.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
Ann Coulter as Friend to Environment/Politics?
Sending the Ice Queen to Italy-Switzerland border might refreeze glaciers thawed by global warming, making planned redrawing of political boundary unnecessary.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
Three Little Pigs Dead
Production halted at Grand Rapids, MI company after 3 swine found dead of human flu virus. Families of pigs will be provided for by Arnold Ziffel Foundation, founded by Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1971.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 April 2009
A Little Too Late...
George W. Bush kicked in the head while re-shoeing a horse. Now reportedly able to solve complex mathematical equations, etc. in his head.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 April 2009
Current Event Horizon
While ingesting large quantities of matter at lunch today, Rush Limbaugh attained critical mass, collapsing in on himself to become a black hole. Physicists predict a right spin of -1 for the object.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 March 2009
Honesty not always best policy...
Prompted by, "Are you at least 18?" while visiting adult website, Dylan, 17, clicks on "No," causing local Providence, KY mainframe to crash, followed by electrical grid. 280,000 still without power.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
That would have been a horse of a different color
Experts on lighting and photography prove photo of Michael Phelps shooting up on cover of British tabloid is a fake. Kell Logg products still too high in sugar.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
"Pitchman" Sullivan Child Labor Scandal
His infomercial features Ima Lourde, West Palm Beach, FL, who makes good on claim that Swivel Sweeping 3000 is "so easy a child can use it." Arrested on child labor charges involving the device.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 May 2009
"Will Work For Weed"
Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps, having lost celebrity endorsement contracts, seen walking the streets in tattered clothes with a cup for change and this pathetic message scrawled on cardboard.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 19 February 2009
Remember When You Were a Little Kid and Used to Blow Bubbles?
Well, he's in town looking for you.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
There Go His Legal Briefs
Lawyer checking into hotel on Times Square has to chase down homeless man who broke into his suitcase and ran off with an armload of underpants.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
"Phew! I needed that!"
President Obama briskly brushed past secret service agents today, toward main White House kitchen, where he entered a walk-in refrigerator. Faint sounds of screaming emerged for several minutes.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 March 2009
"Nobody asked me what I thought..."
The Almighty, Omnipotent Creator says he thought Miss California's breasts were "just fine the way I made them." Personally, I think she could use a little more junk in the trunk, too.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Swine Flu Hits "Pop" Charts
In light of recent swine flu epidemic, rock band Primus orders recall on "Pork Soda" CD's back to 1993. Warns fans that, keep listening and "[Your] Name Is Mudd."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
CORRECTION: Hilton
Article printed by The Garlic Press last week contained passage stating "Paris Hilton is a real bitch." Was supposed to read "Perez Hilton is a real bitch." We apologize for the error.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Nobody cares!
Burger spokesman Jack returns after a phony accident has him hospitalized for several commercials as once great advertising department flounders, grasping at hack formulae and recycling oldies.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Top 10 Stupid Human Tricks
Regina Lasko, David Letterman's bride, nearly backed out on wedding day because he wouldn't quit doing that thing where he pulls on alternate sides of his tuxedo to make his tie go back and forth.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Just A "Red Herring"
Bruce Willis may have married Emma Herring, but he really wanted Lindsay Lohan. Oh, well. Maybe next time.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Just Tired of the Bickering
Psychologist suspects pilot of plane that crashed, killing 3 vacationing families and himself, may have meant to. He noted the irony of a plane crashing in a cemetery in the vast emptiness of Montana.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Sign of the Times
Man arrested for panhandling in front of a Wall*Mart. He was carrying a sign on which he had scrawled, "PlEEz hElp fiHgt ilitAreAcy.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Ice Age kicks in?
The current January deep freeze has got Global Warming nuts squawking like there's no tomorrow. They now claim our atmospheric CO2 discharge cutbacks have gone too far and kicked off another Ice Age.
written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Jade Goody Visits TheSpoof.com
"What's all this, then?" she asked. "'Jade Goody to Wed Elephant Man's Remains?' 'Marilyn Manson Offers $20,000 to Sniff Jade Goody's Panties?' Come on, don't you people have anything better to do?"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 March 2009
Scared the sh*t outta me, too!
After having no luck keeping crows out of his cornfield with regular scarecrow, man successfully mounts image of Ann Coulter atop scarecrow's pole (huh, huh).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Misanthrope, or Miss Arthropod?
Ann Coulter reportedly descends upon Barack Obama, wraps him in spun silken threads, and flees with him to the outskirts of Washington, D.C.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Economic Crunch Hits Jokes About Economic Crunch
In view of the deepening crisis, top economic advisors warned American consumers that we can no longer afford to laugh about the economy. Americans were too poor to pay attention.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Sorry for the delay
This snippet should have been posted last week, but I was "slapped into next week," so I have to publish it now. Unfortunately, that took so long to explain, I still can't share it with you.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
"No Left Turns"
Though it costs him over $1000 a year extra in gasoline, Rush Limbaugh will only make turns to the right when driving. However, it is reported he turns to the left when receiving a prostate exam.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 March 2009
Bank of Sockland
As the Bank of England cuts public banking interest rates to the lowest point in its 315 year history, people are withdrawing their savings and keeping them under the bed in a sock where they're safe.
written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Snippet writer, or just a name dropper?
Spoof writer publishes breaking news snippet just to use clever name for ex-smoker. "I don't see what the big deal is," said Nicoretta Jones nervously. "It's just a name."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 May 2009
Susan Boyle is really Mickey Dolenz says Davy Jones
Pint-sized former teen popstar Davy Jones angrily outed Susan Boyle as Mickey Dolenz on the Larry King Show. Davy said "It's a stunt for Mickey's latest album- no-one believes me cos I'm short"
written by Khadija, 20 April 2009
Bush Shoots Dick Cheney In Face
...at Bush's Prairie Chapel Ranch near Crawford, TX. Bush was trying to scare a squirrel and shot into some shrubbery, behind which Cheney was trying to cop a squat.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 25 March 2009
"We were using rectal thermometers"
Right-wing media figures apologize for misleading reports on falseness of global warming. They say rectal thermometers used to compile data led to mistaken assessments.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
Christians Point Out Fire and Brimstone In Iceland
Native Icelanders say it's just volcanic and geothermal activity, not an apocalyptic punishment for electing openly lesbian Johanna Sigurdadottir Prime Minister, as the Christians have suggested.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2009
Man Gets Parking Ticket on Google Maps
Jay Walker had just dropped down to street level and started exploring a neighborhood when he was called away. Leaving hastily, he returned nearly 4 hours later to find a parking ticket on his desk.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 March 2009
Bush holding Republican yard sale
To raise revenue and offset record deficits, Bush will sell items including his Dr. Seuss collection, Schwartzeneggar action figures, and a slinky that's been down every staircase in the White House.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
At least his breath is fresh...
Hit hard by economy, a San Francisco valet survives 2 months on breath mints and chewing gum pilfered from clients' automobiles.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 February 2009
"Inflate to 45 lbs."
While trying to pull on a heel that was nearly a size too small, Angelina Jolie loses grip, giving herself a rather nasty fat lip. Friends say they "could hardly tell the difference."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Mickey D's introduces the "Mad Mac"
Not to be outdone, Mickey D's introduces a cheesed-off cheeseburger featuring livid lettuce, pissed-off peppers, provoked pickles, outraged onions. Available with furious french fries and cross cola.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
Spoof Writer Changing Name to Jade Goody
"And not the name I publish spoof stories under, either, just in case that's what you're thinking. I'm going to change my REAL name."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Bud Builds Better Bodies
Advocates for the legalization of marijuana considering Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps for an ad campaign in the spirit of the classic "Milk It Does A Body Good" promos.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
"Cash" Quits Geico
The actor, popularized for playing "the money you could be saving with Geico," said the commercial spots were stupid, he never got any lines, and he would rather be "spending himself" (masturbating).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Valet Beats Taxi Driver Senseless With Umbrella
"...which wasn't hard to do, since nobody with any sense drives like that, and my umbrella is pretty solid," said the valet as he was escorted away in cuffs.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 March 2009
"Gaza Strips"
Proposed name for new brand of adhesive bandages marketed towards Palestinians injured by heavy Israeli fire.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 January 2009
"Big 3" execs eagerly awaiting W-2's
CEO's and top-level managers short on cash are hoping to e-file returns and have them direct deposited as soon as the documents arrive.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Al Franken wins by a hair
...because he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, barely more than half of Minnesota's voters like him more than Norm Coleman.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Global Warming "Nuts" Respond to U.K. Deep Freeze Snippet
Massive amounts of fresh water from melting glaciers flowing into the Atlantic, being less dense than saltwater, have begun to interfere with the Atlantic Conveyer. We hate to say we told you so.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
George W. Bush approval rating on the rise
With "Dubya" no longer president, opinion polls indicate people's feelings about Bush beginning slow, inexorable climb back to "moderate disdain" and "mild nausea."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2009
"Stock Car" being developed
Several Wall Street brokers have invested in research and development of a automobile that will be powered solely by wild fluctuations in the stock market.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
New Reality Series - "American Idle"
The latest in a long line of reality TV shows, this one will focus on the struggles of 20 contestants to evade weekly elimination rounds as they compete for a job.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
Superbowl Ads Not So Super This Year
Ads will reflect "somber mood" of America caused by economic decline. Commercials featuring anti-depressant medications expected to be big hits.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Norm Coleman orders 300 copies of "Counting for Dummies"
He will distribute the books from the popular series to Minnesotan vote counters when he contests results from the senatorial recount and demands yet another.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
Bush Snubbed In Lunchroom
At 1st meeting of presidents since 1981, Bush not allowed to sit at lunch table with "popular kids" Clinton, Bush Sr., Carter and President-elect Obama because his approval ratings were too low.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 12 January 2009
Extra Protection for Barack Obama
With politicians that possess integrity having recently been added to the "endangered species" list, President-elect Obama will be afforded the highest level security of any President in U.S. history.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 13 January 2009
Shrodinger's Cat Up For Adoption
Physicists have decided to give up their feline friend, who's behavior is "unpredictable." They hope they can find one of the many worlds in which he might be happier.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 January 2009
If the shoe fits, you must acquit...
When prosecutors pointed out Lana Clarkson purchased 8 pairs of shoes the day of her "suicide," Phil Spector asked, "Did you see her feet? Seeing all those size 14's probably drove her over the edge."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
All's Fair In Love and Price Wars
San Francisco valet runs ACE Parking out of business by circulating flyers suggesting ACE is an acronym for Automotive Collision Experts.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Penile Enhancement
Man sets world record by solving popular 80's puzzler in 38 seconds using nothing more than his genitalia.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Obama names Miley Cyrus Secretary of War
The perky teen sensation will soon have everyone far too busy dancing, singing and "rocking out" to busy themselves with waging war. Like, how cool is that?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
That magic ingredient?
A man sat in a car in a Newcastle, NSW lay-by was approached by police and caught masturbating with his erect member stuck into a jar of spaghetti sauce. So that's the secret Italian ingredient. Ugh!
written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
Kiev : minus 7 Celsius
Russia revises its 'Hell can freeze over' stance towards supplying gas to the Ukraine after Kiev froze over. It now states it can get a lot colder or Kiev pays its outstanding mega-bucks gas bill.
written by Rusty, 09 January 2009
