Dracula: "I Have HIV"

Written by misha marinsky

Tuesday, 27 December 2005

image for Dracula: "I Have HIV"
Does Not Protect Against STDs

BUCHAREST - So much has been written about me over the centuries, that it is impossible to separate the myths, legends, supernatural and everything else that has been ascribed to me.

Well, sadly, now there is one fact about me that is not a legend or myth: I have HIV.

In the good old days, I could just turn myself into a bat, fly around until I saw a comely young lady, and while she was sleeping get my daily fix. Believe me, I only had a nip. I never drank until someone was dead, or almost near death. That is a terrible libel, and I've had to put up with it for centuries.

You know, I miss the days when I only had to worry about syphilis and gonorrhea. Then along came hepatitis A and B, and then it mutated, and now I have to watch out for hepatitis C. But still, I managed to get through all of that unscathed.

Then I started reading about aids and HIV. I figured, what are the chances of those two viruses making their way to the remote mountains of Transylvania? Hoo boy, was I wrong!

It was after midnight, and I was starting to go through withdrawal. It was moonless, and the perfect evening for a flight and a quick nip. I saw this pretty lady, and she just passed out because she had waay too much to drink. What could be easier than a drunken girl? A lot of men ask that same question, and I'm no different.

And to make things even easier, she had on a low cut blouse, and was not wearing a cross. So I swooped in through the window, had a couple drops of blood, and flew back to my castle.

About a month later, after midnight, I turned myself into a bat and started to fly off the roof of my castle. I had only flown about half of a mile, when I had to stop and rest. I have been doing this for hundreds of years, so at first I thought it was old age. Well, it happened again the next night, so I made an appointment with my doctor.

He asked me if I minded giving a blood sample, knowing how sensitive I am about that subject. Well, I have trusted his judgment for over eighty years, so I said sure. He then told me to call him in a week. Luckily, I just got a cell phone.

I called him on a Friday, because he takes the weekend off, and I use those two days to raise hell. He told me to come to his office, rather than talk on the phone, so I became quite concerned. When I got there, he asked me to sit down. Then he said he wanted a list of all the girls I've been messing with. I told him I never get their names, but I could show him the houses. I got quite adamant: why, I wanted to know.

Then he told me: I tested positive for HIV. I actually turned white as a sheet. Then he told me about all the new drugs, and with any luck I could make it for one more century. And he told me I would have to practice safe vampirism.

So I ask you the public: could anyone direct me to pretty girls who already have HIV? I don't want to give this to anyone innocent.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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