Obama: Babies Are F--king Up The Environment

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Monday, 25 April 2011

image for Obama: Babies Are F--king Up The Environment

President Obama has taken aim at what he calls "this nation's number one defiler of Mother Nature," and it is not the environmental cost of the 30 pounds of nickel and mercury in the Toyota Prius hybrid's batteries.

It's babies.

A Zero Emmissions Vehicle Will Destroy The Environment...
... Frankly, there is no such thing as a Zero Emissions electric vehicle. All electric-only vehicles should more accurately be called "remote emissions vehicles"
Why? Because you have to measure the emissions that a vehicle is responsible for, and not just what comes out of it. Unless an electric car is recharged via garage mounted solar collectors, the electricity is coming from a power plant, one most likely powered by coal or natural gas, and therefore MUST be creating emissions. You have to take all of the circumstances involved with making the electricity, and not just where the electricity is finally consumed, into the equation.

"While it has been enjoyable, if morally reprehensible, to wallow in our nation's culture of environmentally-ambivalent consumption," said President Obama, already preparing talking points for his 2012 campaign run against the Republican's 'Palin / Christie in 2012' ticket. "It is time that we created a culture that includes indentifying and eradicating those things that pose the greatest threats on our Planet."

"And Public Enemies #1, if you will, are babies."

Obama then shared with the assembled reporters a chart, highlighting just how much little Becky and young Johnny are f--king up our environment beyond repair.


1 barrel of crude oil
The plastic outer shell.
44 trees and 56 liters of chlorine bleach
The bleached wood pulp fluff batting
60 oz. of sodium polyacrylate
The absorbent powder in diapers: 1 pound of sodium polyacrylate can hold a swimming pool's worth of water.
6 fluffy bunny rabbit fetuses
The Velcroesque closures are made from the stem-cells of partial-birth aborted Southwestern Woods rabbits.

"In addition, baby puke is a leading cause of upper atmosphere pollution, baby food can only be cooked and pasteurized using coal-and-Diesel fueled ovens," continued Obama, long after this bit stopped being funny. "And that green baby sh-t that they get when they're cutting a tooth? It is more poisonous than an asbestos-and-DDT smoothie."

"I can not believe all of the data President Obama has set forth to the people of the United States," said lead researcher Dr. David Lambropoulos of the Rush Limbaugh Environmentalist Naysayers Association, a 501 (c)(3) non-profit anti-Democrat think tank. "Every word of it is true."

"Babies are the single greatest threat to the Earth as we know it," Lambropoulos continued." We should begin grinding up and using them as horsefeed as soon as possible."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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