Reports coming in suggest that despite 500 investigators aged 16 or thereabouts suggest that not a single one managed to locate and identify a female clitoris on Saturday night in various test locations across the UK.
The study, funded by the Germaine Greer Institute of Fannyology revealed that searches by the test group inevitably failed to locate the ever elusive clitoris of legend.
"I couldn't find it," said young Gerald Wholesomeness of Devizes, in Wiltshire. "There's just too much going on down there - it's like looking for a loaf of fresh bread in a supermarket - you just kind of rummage about and hope you hit the jackpot. Whilst you're working blindfold in a curtain store. I gave up when she asked me why I was trying to stick my finger up her bladder."
The results appeared to be fairly consistent.
"It was like looking for a life raft in the Pacific ocean," Mike Hunt (who probably should have known better) said. "I do apologise for the analogy, but it's the best I could do at short notice. Somebody told me to feel for a baldy headed bloke in a canoe - but how do you do that?"
"I was told to look for a bean," Chester Boggs of Harrogate told us, "Which I suppose is all well and good if you know what a bean feels like - I mean in there, amongst all that stuff. I did think at one point I'd hit the jackpot, but it turned out that I was only tickling her haemorrhoids and she wasn't best pleased. Anyone can make a mistake...she didn't have to stab me..."
"They told me to look for a little bean too," said Jed Crumpsall of Manchester. "I was expecting tomato sauce, and when I kept licking me finger she threw me out. Bloody weirdo."
Clitoris Instructor, Doctor Edward Jedward, of Quims College, Dublin, told us:
"Of course I know where the clitoris is, and how to locate and stimulate it until the lady achieves a state of physical and mental estasy. But you don't seriously expect me to share my secrets with these study group fuckwits, do you? I ain't sharing me life's work with any fucker. Let 'em keep on fumbling - the silly bastards. They'll just have to learn the hard way."
More as we get it.