Plug N Play People - A Recipe For Success

Funny story written by lairdbridger

Tuesday, 5 April 2005

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World's Top Scientists

The world rejoiced today as the scientific community reached in unison an epoch defining moment and paved the way for a glorious new chapter in the continuing evolution of mankind.

All 4 of the world's top scientists held hands and shared a bath to announce the dazzling culmination of centuries of inspired perspiration. Ernst Truflepolischer read from notes on his hand as he showered an ecstatic mankind with his proclaimation of unmitigated genius.

Since there are too many people on the earth and insufficient resources, the scientists had reasoned, either we find ways to increase the resource yield from the earth, or instead to reduce the number of humans drawing from the pool. Then researchers realised that for the vast majority of people, for the vast majority of time, the vast majority of their bodies and or minds were sitting idle. After all it is rarely we use both body and mind on the same task, and with the technology of the internet, it is possible and desireable to use the body less and less. Further many people hardly require the use of their brains whatsoever to function perfectly satisfactorily. As the majority of the resources used by a person is in fuelling their brains and bodies, the obvious solution is to ration the number of bodies available.

Each of the organs in our bodies is the result of millions of years of honing by nature to produce frighteningly efficient specialised machines. It seems therefore wasteful to demand one, or in the case of kidneys, testicles and ovaries, to name but a few, two of these organs per person. Particularly when for much of the time these organs lay dormant, merely consuming valuable oxygen and nourishment. We have become a truly selfish species and now, thanks to the wizardry and insight of scientists, we can at last redress this terrible ethical shortcoming.

After exhaustive analysis of 53 people in Denver, Colorado, the chipper scientists have come to the conclusion that 9.2 out of every 10 bodies expressed a profound preference for redunancy and with sufficient planning and forethought, could be jettisoned. In future people will plan ahead for the organs and body parts they require. Usage will be allocated rationally with an independently quantified base entitlement available to all. Humans shll be able to trade in credits of one organ against another as their lifestyle preferences entail, and should some people have a peculiar desire to spend all of their time cavorting around with a full complement of organs and appendages, and can afford it, they shall be able to so do.

To you and I, dear reader, this may seem hard to believe, but only the brain is required for the continued coherence of an individual. Therefore the fundamental state of being shall be for a brain to be docked with a communal fuelling station, where its vessels shall be circulated with a scientifically perfect nutrient soup. To prevent unpleasant phantom limb sensations, the nervous system socket shall be sent a signal equivalent to that provided with a perfectly restful comfortable body and the blood circulating through the brain shall be cleansed and nourished by a shared set of internal organs.

Currently despite nature's significant achievements, and despite its obvious benefits modularity has been a significant oversight in organ and appendage evolution so scientists will go to work tomorrow on the design of the People's Universal Bodypart Exchange system (PUBE). Initial estimates place the completion date before the Olympics in 2012 so with any luck, the new and beautiful era of mankind shall be ushered in London in less than 8 years time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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