The BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico was successfully plugged this morning, following a joint effort between the U.S. Navy, BP's Golf Ball and Rubber Tire Department, and Rosie O'Donnell.
In an apparent effort to use a plan mentioned in the press last week, BP had tested the unlikely amalgam of golf balls and shredded tires in a test pipe of the same diameter with amazing success. "But we didn't have an effective delivery system", says BP scientist, Dr. Benny Haana. "That's where Rosie stepped in to help save the gulf and the Louisiana shoreline".
The outer diameter of the well pipe was reported to be nine inches, and BP lacked a way to inject the golf ball and tire mixture into the pipe with enough force. "We just didn't have anything that wide that could make a strong enough seal. Rosie's bottom turned out to be the perfect solution", says Haana.
While Navy divers reportedly prepared their top secret, deep water open bottomed submarine, O'Donnell's rear was injected with ½ metric ton of the golf ball and shredded tire mixture. Secretly delivered to the top of the broken pipe, O'Donnell reportedly mounted the pipe with little complaint, and thrust the mixture down the tube with a single muscular spasm.
"Ms. O'Donnell is truly a hero", says Haana, "But there were others willing to step in to mount the pipe as well". Released earlier this morning, the list of potential heroes included Kirstie Alley, Oprah, Perez Hilton and Rue Paul. Oprah would only agree to volunteer if she could turn the event into a show special, but offered to give her audience members a free set of tires and a dozen golf balls as a surprise gift.
