Wednesday, 12 May 2010

image for BP to Plug Leaking Deepwater Well with Rush Limbaugh's Likeness
"The ocean will take care of this on its own if it's left alone. It's as natural as ocean water." - Rush

As BP continued its efforts to stem the flow of sea water into the Gulf of Oil at its Blackwater Horizon drilling site, the company announced Monday it will implement a plan in the next two weeks to permanently plug the deep water gusher.

This so-called "junk shot" option -- which involves clogging the well with a 45-foot Rush Limbaugh balloon that failed to make the cut for last year's Thanksgiving Day parade -- should stop the flow of oil long enough to cap the well with a layer of cement.

"Our number one priority was how do we shut the flow off," said Ken Wells, senior vice president for BP's Grasping at Straws division in a Webcast posted to the company's site Monday. "This is an unprecedented technical challenge. We've never had such a big blowout at 5,000 feet."

Capping the well with a big blowhard might seem like a shot in the dark, but "there's some science to this," Wells said. "We think that it's the right shape so that, when the robots have it in place, it should fill the space pretty well when we inflate it."

Then, in a procedure that BP refers to as a "junk shot," well operators will fill the carefully placed likeness of the right wing commentator with a solid, deformable sealant to close the gap and stop the leak, he explained.

If this proves successful, "we'll bury his fat ass in cement and permanently abandon this well," Wells said.

In addition to the junk shot, BP announced they are also planning to have an Acme Submersible Robot place a small metal box called a "top hat" -- about the size of an oil drum cut in half -- over the leak by the end of the week to catch the oil.

This should prove at least as effective as the rest of the company's solutions, since the current flow of escaping oil is only about 8,000 billion gallons a day.

Should they remain unable to cap the gusher with the top hat -- also supplied by Acme Brothers of Warner, California -- experts predict BP's next move might be to hire an animated coyote for a spokesman, who holds up a sign reading, "Okay, can we just end this cartoon now?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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