Neanderthal Human Love Story

Funny story written by C. Cranium

Tuesday, 11 May 2010


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A little Neanderthal exists in everybody.

Neanderthal Network News, Clouseau, France. Geneticists and anthropologists have argued for eons whether Neanderthals and modern humans actually slept together. Was a human just too ugly to have sex with? Were Neanderthal women so off-putting that not even a little blue pill would excite? The genes are there but the love stories and broken hearts can only be speculated.

Geneticists have now substantiated the proof of the two species mating by matching the human and Neanderthal genomes. The scientific studies reported that up to four percent of the European and Middle Eastern genome sampling contains Neanderthal genes.

Here in Clouseau, France, some forty kilometers south of Nice, scientists have tracked up to eighteen percentage of Neanderthal genome in the local population, which is near the high registered in Vaucluse. This indicates that a lot of inter-species mating was taking place thirty thousand years ago. Were the relationships just flings or did the couples live happily ever after? What were the logistics of the boy girl match up?

Perhaps there was some sort of circular pattern where human women boycotted sex because the men didn't support the family sufficiently? The men were gone for days on 'hunting' trips and returned with a couple of rabbits to feed forty people. The 'hunting' trips were a means to stay away from the domestic unrest as the men trekked over to see the fun loving Neanderthal girls who gave them a couple of pet rabbits for a departing gift. The pattern lasted until a cross eyed woolly mammoth tripped and broke his neck on the path to Neanderthal's home cave, and the men returned triumphantly with mammoth steaks for all, plenty of leftovers, and bonus late night frivolities.

Shenanigans may have happened, but true love must also have occurred. Romeo and Juliet could have been Homo sapien and Homo neanderthalensis? The two warring families could not stop love from blossoming. Tristan and Isolde, star-crossed lovers, were very different indeed. How the love stories unfolded is conjecture, but it is certain that there was ancient love that lives in all of us.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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