Drug Company Memo

Funny story written by Art Candell

Friday, 5 August 2005

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1-2-05 Dave, the USFDA is getting our bottom line down by exposing some of our meds that have serious side affects and even death. I expect that our Prendex and Gripatrate will be pulled off the market soon. Can your team invent a new disease or something so we can make a designer med to relieve, NOT CURE! it ?


1-3-05 To Ted Lee: Ted, I have the team working on it. I'll get back to you as soon as we brainstorm it. Dave


1-5-05 To Ted Lee: We had a long session and came up with "Crotch Itch" As far as we know, there is nothing on the market for this; possibly our new disease! What do you think? Dave


1-6-05 Sounds interesting, Dave. Can your people come up with a TV and magazine saturation advertising campaign....like "The Purple Pill"? Can we get people worried about it? What can we name the remedy? Ted


1-7-05 Ted, Sarah Jenkins has come up with what sounds like a good name; "SKRATCHNIX" She said we should make it in tablet form, pink and light blue stripes, oval shape. Lab says they can make it out of cornstarch and soy flour at about .0003 cents per unit. We can patent a prescriptive chemical name. How about "tri-lipaside3, sodium pavoside?" It means nothing, but the USFDA will like it. Dave

1-8-05 Good work, Dave. I like it. Can we sell it as " 50 MG. Take twice a day"? How does $47.50 for 50 tablets sound? How are you doing on the advertising copy? Can you send free samples around to the MD's we sent to Bermuda for our "seminar"? Ted
1-10-05 Your suggestions sound good. I have Mike working on the ad copy. Production says thay can manufacture, package and distribute in about a month. Dave
1-10-05 Send me Mike's ad copy. Make any corrections it needs. Let's get rolling, Heartburn and attention deficit are getting to be old story. Ted

1-13-05 Ted, here is what we've come up with for TV:

Setting: Major pro baseball game. Stadium filled with thousands.
Millions watching game on TV. Camera pans in on pitcher. Pitcher drops ball, and with pained expression starts busily scratching crotch.
Camera pans to cute little blond girl sitting with dad in stands. She turns to dad, " What's he doing, daddy?" she asks.
He points to huge illuminated scoreboard. All spectators in stadium turn heads to scoreboard.
Score slowly fades out and Tom Hanks fades in wearing a doctor's coat. He holds up a container of Skratchnix in his left hand, stares down at the field, points with his right hand at pitcher and says,
"Stop that itch with skratchnix!" Spectators in stadium stand and cheer wildly. Blimp circles overhead towing banner>> SKRATCHNIX"


1-15-05 Great work, Dave. Tell the gang they did a good job, and get it rolling. ..."Skratchnix", great, the Board will like it. Oh, by the way, have you delivered that new Mercedes to "you know who" at the USFDA?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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