Spitzer Pharmaceuticals to enter lucrative placebo market

Funny story written by NickFun

Monday, 21 January 2008

image for Spitzer Pharmaceuticals to enter lucrative placebo market
Spitzer's pills smell and taste offensive

After the revelation that many doctors are prescribing placebos for their patients, Spitzer Pharmaceuticals, makers of advanced pharmaceutical products, announced today that it has developed a more-potent placebo.

"In double-blind studies we have proven that our placebo is 30% more effective in combating many illnesses than standard placebos", said Dr. John Pitkin, a spokesperson for Spitzer Pharmaceuticals.

Spitzer Pharmaceuticals research has shown that its new product shows significant benefits in relieving arthritis pain, reducing the scales and itchiness of eczema, reduces prostate troubles and prevents bedwetting. Spitzer Pharmaceuticals said their placebo has an "unpleasant odor" and is extremely bitter when bitten into. This gives the patient more confidence that the drug will be effective.

The new drug will be sold under the brand name FalseFX but will not be sold without a prescription.

"Everyone knows prescription drugs are more effective than non-prescription drugs", Pitkin revealed. "Some time in the future we may market FalseFX in a lower, non-prescription formula but for that we will need FDA approval".

Some companies expressed skepticism that the drug will be any more effective than their own placebos. John Benchley, a Pfizer spokesperson said, "our placebo is more effective in most cases than Spitzer Pharmaceuticals'. Our medication may do less for arthritis and prostate but is 30% more effective in `controlling heart rhythm disturbances, ulcerative colitis, Alzheimer's and urinary discomfort."

Spitzer Pharmaceuticals warned patients prescribed FalseFX that common side effects are dry mouth, fatigue, difficulty urinating, heart palpitations, difficult in achieving or maintaining an erection, vaginal dryness, severe depression, loss of appetite, migraine headache, abdominal pain, blurred vision and persistent vomiting.

"We are working on a placebo that will address the side effects and expect to have one developed within 6 months", Pitkin claimed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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