Written by winston_smith

Monday, 1 December 2008

image for Alarming Thumb Growth Study
Those opposed? Raise your thumb.

In a fascinating, multi-million dollar government grant study, scientists discovered children's thumbs have grown inversely proportional to the evolutionary curve.
Apparently, some accelerating factor is extending and most times exceeding the length, functionality, (that is the opposability, which separates humans from apes), and dexterity of the thumb.

Professor Wendell Waddrippins announced yesterday at the annual symposium of scientific study on thumbs, forefingers, and pinkies.

Waddrippins' alarming statistics showed children of this generation have exceeded all other generations in their manipulations of their 'fifth finger'.

"For some unknown reason, children of this generation, have extended the range of the human thumb. Is this a biological leap on the evolutionary timeline? Is it like our collective lost of a tail, or the function of the appendix? Is it a reactivation of a gene, long dormant in our dna, indicative of some evolutionary need? Is it caused by outside stimuli such as the air we breath, water we drink? Is it something we should consider alarming? We don't know. Well, further study and funding is needed."

Spoof investigation of this phenomena revealed nothing of unusual nature when we interviewed some children at a local mall.

While we questioned 14 year old Mandy Lebowitz about what she thought of this study.
Mandy was busily texting her friends on her Apple Ipod, photographing this reporter to send to friends, selective friends, storing this moment of fame in a newly constructed web site she had accessed through her pod, checking her email while there.

"Well, like, wow, so like are we like, wait, like our thumbs are growing? Like will we need like special gloves or something?" She quickly clicked her phone to see who had called her, flicked the screen and answered with an emotion con, while coolly sucking on a hyper-caffeinated soda with the other hand.

Can you perhaps shed light on this phenomena?

Her 15 year old, 'FOP' (friend with privileges), put down his PS2, where he had just amassed the most points, that hour, for that site, as he checked his cell phone with a casual flip.

"Like dude, that's like so gay, like what? Like we got like super thumbs of something? So? Like, what? This is just like so parents can call us weirdos or something?"

He texted a message to his friends along with a created video of the moment, he too was swilling down a caffeinated drink.

We asked Professor Waddrippins his final thoughts. "I can see further funding and advanced study is needed here. You didn't happen to get Mandy's cell number? I mean for research and all."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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