McCain Would Ban Computers, Bring Back Simple Hand Held Adding Machines

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Friday, 12 September 2008

image for McCain Would Ban Computers, Bring Back Simple Hand Held Adding Machines
Computer illiterate

WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - Senator John McCain has vigorously defended his computer illiteracy, saying that when elected president he would banish "those new fangled computers and bring back simple hand held mechanical adding machines with the arithmetic basics like addition and subtraction."

"Computers make kids play video games and turn them into degenerates and Democrats and no one over 15 understands them anyways," McCain stated. "I know how to add and subtract with an adding machine at least."

McCain was responding to being mocked as an out-of-touch, out-of-date computer illiterate in a television commercial put out Friday from Barack Obama.

"Today is the first day of the rest of the campaign," Obama said in a campaign strategy memo. "We will respond with speed and ferocity to John McCain's attacks and we will take the fight to him, but we will do it on the big issues that matter to the American people."

The newest ad includes unflattering footage of McCain at a hearing in the early '80s, wearing giant glasses and an out-of-style suit, interspersed with shots of a disco ball, a clunky phone, and an outdated computer.

"1982, John McCain goes to Washington," an announcer says over chirpy elevator music. "Things have changed in the last 26 years, but McCain hasn't."

"He admits he still doesn't know how to use a computer, can't send an e-mail, still doesn't understand the economy, and favors two hundred billion in new tax cuts for corporations, but almost nothing for the middle class," it says.

It shows video of McCain getting out of a golf cart with former President George H.W. Bush and closes with a photo of him standing with the current President Bush at the White House. "After one president who was out of touch, we just can't afford more of the same."

"Our economy wouldn't survive without the Internet, and cyber-security continues to represent one our most serious national security threats," Obama said. "It's extraordinary that someone who wants to be our president and our commander in chief doesn't know how to send an e-mail."

McCain says he relies on his wife and staff to work the computer for him and that he doesn't trust or use e-mail.

"Computers are evil creations of Satan and liberalism," added McCain. "Look what they did to Bill Clinton and MTV too. They also cause abortions."

--Copyright Felix Minderbinder Live Wire

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more