A San Francisco court is today expecting to hear opening arguments in a class action against numerous medical companies to ban the new blood and urine tests developed to detect prostate cancer.
The action on behalf of a number of men classed as "Borderline Straight" by their own attorney's, wants to have the courts rule that the new tests are still experimental and force HMO's and medico's to return to the traditional rectal examination.
Plaintiff spokesperson George O'Dowd stated "We are so concerned about the possibility of prostate problems that I know a number of us used to book in for a probe every week."
"There is something very comforting about a strong, toned medical professional lubing up his digits before sodomising you with them and giving you the all clear. I often sat up at night and longed for my next check up just to ensure nothing was wrong. Now it is wee in a cup or a prick on the finger, all the romance has gone."
"To get the old fashioned check up now you have to specifically request it and some MD's look at you in a funny way. Several men in our group are so concerned that they have formed a mutual support group and meet to check each other."
The defence maintain's that all the new tests are safe and effective although not as enjoyable for closetted bi-sexuals and that any loving wife or girlfriend should be understanding enough to fill in the dark void if required.