Written by Zack Matheson

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

image for Vegan Flatulence Dubbed "Toxic"

BOULDER, CO -- Studies performed at the University of Colorado at Boulder have concluded that while most forms of flatulence are nasty to outright disgusting in smell, flatulence emitted by vegans can be borderline toxic and even deadly. The study highlighted that the vegan digestive tracts lacks certain enzymes needed to break down the molecules that cause the especially rank odors associated with methane gases produced by the human body.

Professor Tammy Andrews used the overwhelming amount of brain damage linked to outdoor festivals like Bonnaroo and Burning Man as a place to begin her research and she discovered that the amount of brain damage connected to the festivals was because of something more than just the drugs and various narcotics that were being ingested: "These people were being exposed to more than just drugs. There was some sort of gas in the air that was effecting them as though they were inhaling radon."

Professor Andrews eventually discovered the gas was the flatulence of thousands of people, but what was emitted by the vegan festivalgoers was the by far the most dangerous.

"The combination of soy cheese and cabbage is especially lethal," says Andrews.

According to Andrews, the best way to protect yourself at outdoor festivals is to drink plenty of nonalcoholic fluids and stay away from where the jam bands are performing.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Farting

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