London - (Ass Mess): Compensation payments totalling literally billions of £££ could be payable if teachers are proved right that wireless technology emissions are cooking pupils' brains and turning them into violent knife-mad killers.
That is the stark warning issued today after wi-fi systems were shut down at leading academic centress across the UK after some poor wee fragile home economics tutor complained of being sick and tired and getting 'nasty headaches' which she was absolutely sure the school's wi-fi system had caused.
"Never mind her daily regime of emptying a twenty cans of Carlsberg Special down her throat accompanied by a dozen packets of Hoola Hoops and acne-flavor Kettle Chips," said a leading nutritioinst.
But teaching unions are adamant that the killings surge among their pupils in senseless violent knife-related incidents is all down to the internet.
"Wi-fi technlogy transmiters are broadcasting subliminal nasties into these kids' brains and turning them into Jekyll and Hyde characters who, legally speaking, cannot be held accountable for their heinous actions," a union spokesman said today.
Asked why the same could not be said of teachers the spokesman said that in evolved adult brains the technological emissions merely aggravated synaptic processes.
"But in young and easily impressionable minds we think the effects are staggering."
A Met Police source said today: "Well, that could explain it."
