Oxford University - (Dumb Press): Scientists have found the clearest connection ever between congenital stupidity and regular pot noodle consumption.
The finding shows that morons breed morons because they all share the same DNA make-up inherited from the Estee Lauder branch of genetics.
"We looked at compulsive eyebrow plucking throughout the generations and found an undeniable correlation to today's pot noodle bingers," said Professor Smartass.
"Chromosome 12 is involved as is the monosodium glutamate gene E666 which can mutate spontaneously in the presence of too much alcohol at northern latitudes close to Rejkjavik.
"The mutations that result are irreversible and would be better of in self-help euthanasia programmes nil-rated for inheritance tax purposes by way of incentive.
"And that includes the entire Bush and Blair families."