A thirty-year study started in the early 70's (funded by Citizens Who Ask, "What The...?") indicates that combing strands of left-over hair across one's bald noggin actually improves how one is viewed by the opposite sex.
The study, involving dozens of community colleges and trade schools across the country, shows that when a combover is done just right that it actually looks like that person has a luscious thick full head of hair-at least to some people.
The only persons tricked by this optical illusion are those of the opposite sex who are viewing it and the people who actually apply it to their own head. Everyone else can see that it's just a blatant attempt to cover up a fibrous defect.
Emma Greenhorne, Evolutionary Sociobiologist at Goldenfodder University somewhere in Maine, attempts to explain the phenomenon. "You see, millions of years ago when we were more animal-like we had hair all over our bodies. Now we don't. Sprouting cranial hair indicates a fertile brain to the opposite sex. We need to be fertile to be able to reproduce. We want to reproduce and we see what we want. There you have it."
When asked to explain why some people weren't fooled by the camouflage technique, Dr. Greenhorne stated that due to genetic mutations and natural selection those people are just different. However, if one of them decides to try a combover in the interest of self-improvement, a certain gene kicks in and that person now sees his own barren head as bountiful crops of The Promised Land.
The CWAWT study focused on teachers, professors, campus cops and janitors as well as co-eds, cheerleaders, sorority girls, and teachers' aids. Questionnaires, photos, mixers, and blind dates were all part of the process in one form or another.
Bob "Clutch" Wilson, tenured professor at Hank's Universal School of Trucking & Roadside Cafe, concurs that combovers are most effective. In fact, sometimes they are too powerful. "Often times broads come on to me so much that I can't finish a class or a chicken-fried steak dinner."
(Wilson's nickname "Clutch" is not due to his knowledge of big rigs, but rather to his food eating abilities.)
Professor Wilson shared with us his sometimes drastic measure that he is forced to do. "To get them to leave, I just grab my strands, uncover my head, and make them stand up sorta diagonally on the one side in which they are growing. This sends them off screaming in horror."
Clutch also said that when he wakes up in the morning this very same thing happens and is awkward when he's had a "guest" stay the night. However, to get them back he just re-applies the combover and they come running with gifts begging forgiveness.
And the combover is not just for men. Women who use the same technique reported almost the same results as the guys.
Just like snowflakes, no two combovers are alike. Except combovers don't really have six points (usually). And they're not frozen either. Well, not in a temperature way. They may be stiff due to copious amounts of hairspray application. But not frozen as ice is.
Next week we'll be discussing how leather jackets make you taller and handsomer.
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