Johns Hopkins Scientists Classify Non-Human [inanimate] Diseases

Baltimore, Md. Elizabeth Tracy reporting with an SOS from Johns Hopkins for Spoof On Science. Science has long distinguished between two major forms of human diseases, classifying them as either mental or physical. This week, a crew of scientists at Johns Hopkins here in Baltimore revealed that they are now able to classify non-human illnesses the same way,with most of them falling into two categories.

In the first case, that of a piece of rust-covered steel, the diagnosis was easy;

Rust is a MEnTAL disease.

The other category came only after longer investigation. In that case the ailment was bankruptcy. The Johns Hopkins conclusion:

Bankruptcy is a [FISiCAL disease.

The study continues, but so far is inconclusive regarding other ailments, Preliminary samples, however, suggest that some illnesses have a relationship to time of day. For example;

Grief sometimes is a MOuRNING sickness.

This is Elizabeth Tracy at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore,Maryland.