Mother Nature Aids Snowed-In Residents Of Oswego County (New York); But Not How You Think

Funny story written by King David

Sunday, 11 February 2007

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An Artic Circle Wood Frog; Next Step on the Human Evolutionary Chain

As persistent streams of squalls fueled by moisture from Lake Ontario piled snow 115 inches deep at the town of Parish, an unprecedented occurance happened today in New York as residents of the small fishing villiage of Parish in Oswego County began turning into wood frogs.

Lithobates, or Artic Circle wood frogs, are roughly 1.5 to 3.0 inches long and are usually brown, tan, and rust colored with yellowish and sometimes greenish-white underbellies. In winter, as much as 35-45% of the frog's body may freeze, and turn to ice.

The town at the norteast corner of Lake Ontario was buried under 10 feet of snow earlier in the week making normal activities such as walking, driving and throwing the newspaper at the neighbors dog virtually impossible.

"Sometimes, just getting out of the house has been a chore," said Mike Underwood a resident of the small villiage.

Emergency crews and police officers have been called in to settle and pick up the pieces of many domestic disputes this weekend as residents have been stuck inside their homes with loved ones and family members for over a week now.

"We don't know what to do now we are so sick of each other," said one newlywed. "If we don't get some relief, I don't think we are going to make it."

In addition, residents of the town have reported a strange incidence that can be traced to decreased water pressure in the town's sewage plant. After residents have been snowed inside their homes for over a week, instead of the usual "fight or flight" response to family members, many residents have resorted turning into Artic Circle wood frogs.

Oswego County authorities say that this is the first reported occurance of this type of evolutionary behavior and don't look forward to the results if the temperatures get to be much colder.

"We may be stepping on a bunch of cracked frogs," sewage plant operator Robert Plant said. "That's something that we neither have facilities to deal with, nor have prepared for."

In addition to 35-45% of the frog's body freezing, ice crystals form beneath the skin and become interspersed among the body's skeletal muscles. During the freeze the frog's breathing, blood flow, and heart beat cease. Freezing is made possible by specialized proteins, glucose and perhaps accumulation of snot, which prevent intracellular freezing and dehydration.

The adults frogs can be expected to emerge from hibernation in early spring and migrate to nearby pools, or tributaries of Lake Ontario.

"We can't believe this is happening," said superintentent of schools Rob McHathaway. "We are going to have to change the whole Science curriculum again now."

"This is absolutely astounding!" said New York University Professor of Biology, Dr. Simon Sayz. "The implications that this has on us from a cellular level is unprecendented. We need to find out if this is true for the whole human species, or just a select few living in Parish, New York."

Hollwood movie producers have already begun to salivate about the box-office possibilities of filming a movie about the residents of Parish, "From Man To Wood Frog And Back Again," or "Life on Golden Wood Frog Pond."

"Even as a documentary, it would be extremely entertaining," said Hollywood film producer, Steven Insectsberg.

American and Indian toy manufacturers, Hasbro and Patel have both begun plans to manufacture a new line of toys. Word has it on Fall Street the toy makers will market a toy that changes from human form into a wood frog sort of along the lines as the Transformers.

No word on when they might be out.

In other news today, forecasters predict sunshine and a cessation of snow in up state New York and President George Bush is suspected to have evolved from amphibians.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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