Heofon: A New Non-Secular World on the Horizon?

Funny story written by Michael J. Carlucci

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

image for Heofon: A New Non-Secular World on the Horizon?
View from the base of interstellar rocket transport ship to be used during the immigration phase of PIETI.

Topeka, KS, USA---During a special televised press briefing simulcast on FOX news and CBN this past Tuesday, a small group of faith-based engineers and Liberty University geologists, along with biologists working out of Central Christian College, as well as home-schooled technicians associated with the JPL facilities (Jesus Proselytizing Laboratory)in Cawker City, Kansas, announced the launch of an ambitious and mammoth undertaking--a project, which if fully realized will see the birth of a new man-made celestial object in our solar system.

This prodigious venture, dubbed "Project: Imminent Exodus Transport Initiative" is slated to enter into its initial planet construction phase late 2013, with completion of that phase expected sometime in the latter half of 2019 or early 2020. If all progresses as planned, equally ambitious sister projects--one involving the fabrication of the planet's own sun, which engineers hope to put into orbit around the new planet during the first and second years, while other massive forestation programs coordinated with atmosphere generation, and the transportation and placement of birds, fish and mammals during the third, fourth, fifth and sixth years--will be on-going, as well. A scheduled 12 month rest period is planned before the start of the second phase is employed. Phase two of PIETI involves setting the immigration process into motion and the logistical transfer of all willing Christian participants to the newly constructed planetoid.

"PIETI will be a massive, daunting undertaking on all levels. The problems associated with successfully pulling off a monumental endeavor such as this abound," Pastor Joshua Jacobson of The Joyous Ovis Aries Ministries, PIETI's chief administrative coordinator and lead systems analyst told reporters during Tuesday's briefing. "I'm sure there will be many unforeseen hiccups along the way, problems of both a physical and logistical nature. But with the effort of such a talented, gifted team of experts and technicians in play, along with, of course, the divine guiding influence of God's hand, I have no doubt we will prevail," Jacobson went on to say. "God created this world in six days. We are mere mortals, blessed though we may be. So, I guess six years, with a rest period during the seventh while we coordinate the next steps, isn't too long when all is said and done."

The design of this new earth, or "Heofon" as it is presently being referred to by the PIETI team, is unique in nature. Blueprints on charts displayed behind the panel of technicians and project coordinators at the conference showed, not a spherical shape as one might expect, but a decidedly flat, thin shape. When questioned about the counterintuitive design, Jacobson responded; "...well, there will be no need for a 'hell,' of course, since the team is united in agreement that the existing hell below earth's crust, with all of its circles, has plenty of room. There is no proof to the contrary. So we feel assured in our design decision. Also, the bible teaches us that no one really goes to hell until judgment day. Besides all of that, Heofon will be inhabited by Christians exclusively. Need I explain further?"

As a side note; in the past, Joyous Ovis Aries Ministries as an institution had long held the belief that the earth was flat, but over the years has disassociated itself from what it now considers a flawed and sophistical tenet. During the press conference Jacobson was pointedly asked about the obsolete belief, and what factors had changed the ministry's view. "Well, we finally realized how improbable the whole idea was," Jacobson replied with a grin, and continued. "I mean, it's just silly, isn't it? If the earth were really flat, all of the Chinese would fall off."

The advent of the official communiqué concerning this project could not have been better timed, given on-going market trending toward specialized and exclusive Christian co-opting of all fields of business, art, entertainment, social life and thought, e.g." Christian music," "Christian books," "Christian bookstores", Christian films," Christian networks, "Christian radio," "Christian dating services," "Christian greeting cards," Christian clothing lines," "Christian lawn care," "Christian toothpaste," etc.. It has generated much interest, attracting the attention of many high-profile, wealthy donors. Funding has more than tripled since news of the project started making its way around the national business community and the NYSE early this year.

Risk management corporations such as Deloitte & Touche, CSC and FM Global, have jumped aboard. With the help of PR firms Burson-Marsteller, Larry Ross Communications, APCO Worldwide and Regan Communications Group, along with the push from D.C. lobbyist Rich Berman, the effort to convince large investment firms, as well as energy companies the likes of Exxon-Mobil and Chevron to consolidate cash flow investments to keep PIETI fully funded, has become successful. Corporate negotiations with Bechtel, Raytheon, Kellogg Brown and Root, Halliburton and "Academi"(previously known as Xe Services LLC, Blackwater USA and Blackwater Worldwide) have plans already underway to include their involvement, both financially and logistically, and looks to culminate later this year. Representatives for Amway and Walmart have conveyed their respective corporations' interests in hopping aboard, as well.

Members of the panel at Tuesday's press briefing in Cawker City seem to show the utmost confidence in a successful outcome to the PIETI undertaking, and exuberance was evident.

"Here on earth, especially in this country, the systematic effort toward creating a separate, protected world for we Christians, one which houses and cultivates our privatized realities, is going much too slowly. And trying to dispel the whole evolution thing isn't going so well, either," Pastor Jacobson replied when asked to explain the motivation which sparked the concept of the project.

"All of this has met with too much opposition," Jacobson continued. "We have tried proselytizing in the effort to inculcate everyone. But that has yet to pan out. Presently, we are attempting to wall ourselves off from the rest of society by co-opting and creating our own acceptable Christian-approved world here on God's green earth. But that is becoming much too tedious, complicated, and time-consuming. So, we feel this venture, as gargantuan as it may seem, will prove to be both expedient and cost effective toward finally reaching our goals. Besides, this will make it a lot easier for God, come time for the Rapture."
© Michael Carlucci - 2013

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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