Nicholas Cage is stopping time (and altering your perspective)

Written by John Livesley

Tuesday, 24 September 2013


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Recently, I and my esteemed colleague Joachim Kvarby have stumbled across something rather sinister.

A phenomenon that has mystified and puzzled not only us but a growing number of people around the world…and it's getting worse.

There exists a picture on the internet, an image that seems to demonstrate properties that not only affects the linear flow of time from the perspective of the viewer but also their sexual orientation.

Viewers have reported a sense of time slowing down for the duration of looking at the picture and also a shift in their more carnal tastes away from the norm. The affect wears off after a few minutes when the picture is removed.

This is fascinating us so we have decided that more research is needed and our preliminary investigation reveals that there is definitely a shift in time which has been measured by us personally as we looked at the picture during a busy day at work, lunchtime suddenly seemed very far away and our hunger increased at the same rate.

We also checked our watches every few minutes (or hours in real time) only to see that the minute hand did not move during this time whereas other people who were not subject to the picture simply commented "Time seems to go so quick today" therefore proving that the picture has a localized effect on the viewer. I also must point out that during my time with the image, I thought a lot more about sausages than ever before.

We need to research this thoroughly to ensure that these short-lived side effects are not a pre-cursor to something more sinister and dangerous (such as an irreversible orientation flip whilst stuck in a permanent time-loop) We have named this particular effect as the Homographical Cage loop and we are keen to hear from other people who have suffered the same reaction or have decided to marry their same-sex co workers as a result of over exposure to the snake-eyed film-star in his leather chaps.

This issue reminds me of the famous story of the haunted painting that was reported a few years back (people reported that bizarre accidents happened to those who posessed the painting)

No deaths have been reported but the inability for us to observe stopped time from the outside, there could be many victims that we will simply be unaware of.

Nicholas Cage has refused to comment on the picture as he was busy having his chest-hair landscaped by Norwegian midget gardeners.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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