Written by Elvin F. Verdad

Thursday, 29 June 2006

image for Group Urges Suicide Screening for Psychiatrists
David Shaffer of TeenScreen

The North Dakota chapter of Citizens for Common Sense today issued a call to action in hopes to curb the rampant suicide in the psychiatric industry. An alarming study has conclusively shown that psychiatrists have more than double the suicide rate of teenagers. This is alarming in the extreme as various psychiatrists are running groups that supposedly address teen suicide. TeenScreen, based in New York, is one of the most controversial of these groups. Despite public outcry, TeenScreen has set up shop in 400+ schools and are using psychiatric diagnoses from the DSM IV and ICD10, psychiatry's manuals of mental disorders.

"Well heck, that's like hiring a kleptomaniac as a store detective, ain't it?" says Clem Studson, treasurer and handyman for CCS. "I mean come on people, if psychiatrists can't solve the problem amongst their own crew, why don't we turn the teen suicide problem over to somebody who does seem to have the answers, like people who attend Star Trek conventions. In our latest study, it seems that they have an extremely low suicide rate. They do have a slightly elevated rate of wearing fake ears and saying silly things like ‘Kirk here' and ‘capun - we haven't got the power' but we reckon that's covered by the first amendment somehow."

Also, whereas screening a young child for mental illness can result in dashing that person's hope for the future and turning a normal rambunctious teenager into a permanent mental patient and drug user, screening psychiatrists carries none of the same liabilities. Many groups and individuals consider that psychiatrists are pretty much a lost cause anyway.

The call to action clearly states that psychiatrists should immediately contact a teenager or attendees to a Star Trek convention in their area, where they can get the help they need. Though no one has specifically asked the teenagers or Trekkies whether they will provide the screening, Citizens for Common Sense urges psychiatrists to try anyway and hope for the best. Mr. Studson adds, "You're a member of the most distrusted and ridiculed industry on the planet; your group has the highest rate of suicide and arrests for abuse and fraud. What have you got to lose?"

Psychiatrist David Shaffer of TeenScreen in New York could not be reached for comment, unless you consider "get lost, I'm busy screening my gerbil" as a comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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