7 Essential Life Lessons They Never Teach You In School

Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 26 January 2020

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Why am I the only person who signed up for this class?

I was sitting comfortably in my room one day pretending to grade homework when I was informed that there had been complaints made against me as a social studies teacher. Apparently, some students had claimed that I have a severe alcohol problem and that I am emotionally explosive.

I was psychotically angry after being told this! The intense fury of Hell that boils deep within my dark soul raged with flying demons and massive loads of all-consuming hatred as these false allegations were spewed upon me by pathetic little ants that I would crush in an instant if I had massive loads of power and technology at my disposal....

I just couldn’t figure out why someone would claim that I am emotionally explosive. And furthermore, I don't have a "problem" with alcohol! I love alcohol. It blurs my perception of reality, and it serves as a distraction from the deep and endless pit of psychological problems and personality disorders that I have…and that I consistently refuse to acknowledge on a daily basis.

Right, I know! You probably think that I'm a self-loathing, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, angry, hopeless, neurotic, heavily medicated, iconoclastic nihilist with delusions of grandeur and a lethally explosive temper. Well, that's just totally not true, GOD DAMNIT!

Regardless, I have gotten the impression that I need to refine my teaching methods. I've decided to begin teaching my students something they can actually use in their real lives. Therefore, I have designed the following 7 Essential Life Lessons.


LESSON #1) Academics won't help you in life!

Now, I don't know about you, but when I see a properly constructed thesis statement with adequate sub-points, corresponding topic sentences, statistical evidence, and conclusions that summarize the main ideas without re-stating the introduction...I just want to rub hot butter on myself and masturbate like an exotic, over-stimulated monkey.

However, no matter how sexually-stimulating you may find the academic world to be...it simply won't help you in the long run unless you have a talent for storing vast amounts of data in your brain and disseminating information that you did not create yourself.

No matter how high your academic training goes, you will still end up getting some job where you have:

A) An ever-increasing work-load...

B) A power-hungry, corrupt, Stalinist boss who likes to instill fear in you to keep you obedient...

C) Tighter and tighter deadlines that prevent you from sleeping at night, unless you take horse tranquilizers…

and…

D) Coworkers who gossip about everything you do, because they have no lives...


LESSON #2) People love to be updated on things that don't actually pertain to them, so give your coworkers something good to talk about!

In reference to the last point…since your coworkers are going to talk about you and your personal life anyway, at least make it interesting. Walk into work one fine, sunny morning and scream:

HEY MOTHER-FUCKERS! GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT! I VIOLENTLY RAMMED MY DICK INTO AN ESCAPED ZOO ANIMAL UNTIL IT WENT CROSS-EYED…AND THEN I LIT MY HOUSE ON FIRE!

Fuck it! Give them something real to talk about.


LESSON #3) Make sure your personality matches your job!

Not all jobs are the same. Some jobs actually require you to “be” the job even when you’re technically not working or even at your place of employment. (There is a difference between a car salesman and a clergyman.)

Police officers, reverends, and school teachers are expected to behave when they are not at work, because they’re seen as community figures.

Construction workers, computer programmers, cartoonists, and auto mechanics have a little bit more freedom.

I mean, how comfortable would you feel if your town’s reverend said the following:

May the peace and love and understanding of our Lord descend upon you, guarding and keeping your hearts and minds through eternal faith in…'Ah fuck this shit, I need a beer! Where did my cigarettes go?'


LESSON #4) You will never find True Love!

Ladies, I hate to tell you this, but you will find the man of your dreams…and he will cheat on you or leave you.

Guys, I hate to tell you this, but you will meet a girl who makes you feel stunned and helpless, who tugs at your heart strings, and who invades the very essence of your soul with her beauty and intelligence …and she will be in love with someone else.

And even if this “someone else” eventually dumps her and she somehow magically finds her way to you…you are still not off the hook.

Consider the following:

It was a warm summer evening when she first made love to him. Her large, beautiful breasts were exposed by the moonlight as he slowly took off her dress. He kissed her deeply, and she gently fondled the back of his neck before sucking on his ear while they happily undid the rest of each other’s clothing.

With the sound of soft wind caressing the leaves outside and George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” playing in the background, they both fell gracefully into bed together…exploring every inch of each other’s bodies.

He knew exactly how to please her and to give her everything she wanted..as their bodies moved rhythmically together like wild animals in a ‘jungle of passion'. Her knuckles eventually became white from gripping the bed sheets, as waves of agonizing pleasure coursed through her body like an endless ocean, causing her to explode with numerous orgasms before she finally fell weeping into his arms knowing that she would never be able to fully love another man…

…and then she met you.

Good luck!


LESSON #5) Many people have the habit of laughing constantly and uneasily during social circumstances because they have the psychological need to be liked by everyone around them. Unfortunately, this habit can sometimes transfer into Facebook chatting and text messaging!

Bill: "Hey Audrey. Ha ha ha. What are you doing on Facebook?"

Audrey: "Hey Bill, I guess I’m being lazy. Ha ha ha!"

Bill: "Yeah, me too. Ha ha ha!"

Audrey: "Ha ha ha. What did you do last weekend?"

Bill: "Ha Ha Ha! Well, not too much. I just hung out with some friends. It was pretty boring. Ha ha ha! What did you do?"

Audrey: "Ha ha ha! I pretty much stayed at home and watched TV. There wasn’t much on. Gosh, I hope my boss doesn’t catch me chatting on Facebook. Ha ha ha!"

Bill: "Ha ha ha! Yeah, you’d be in trouble then. Ha ha ha!"

Audrey: "Ha ha ha! Yeah, no kidding!"

Bill: "Ha ha ha. Hey Audrey, I need to tell you something funny."

Audrey: "Yeah, what’s that Bill? I hope it’s good. Ha ha ha!"

Bill: "I think about your sister every time I masturbate!"

Audrey: "Bill, I really wish you hadn’t told me that. From now on, I’m going to feel very uneasy every time I see you. Our friendship is going to be strained because I’m never going to forget what you just said. I am wondering if we will even be able to stay friends because I really don’t feel comfortable talking to you anymore….Ha ha ha!"

Bill: "Ha ha ha!"

Audrey: "Ha ha ha!"

Bill: "Ha ha ha!"

Audrey: "Ha ha ha!"

Bill: "Ha ha ha!"

Audrey: "Ha ha ha!"


LESSON #6) Taking efforts to scare the shit out of someone who works underneath your supervision will be fully appreciated!

Let’s face it. You’re either somebody’s boss, or you are an easily-sacrificed pawn in a dirty game of chess…the loss of which will probably not affect the overall outcome.

If you are lucky enough to become the boss and not a faceless, replaceable peon…then try the following. (Pretend you are the Principal and Mr. Williams is an overworked teacher who takes anxiety pills on a daily basis.)

Principal: "Hello Mr. Williams. May I speak to you for a moment before you go to class?"

Mr. Williams: "Yes sir! Is something wrong?"

Principal: "How are things at home? Good?"

Mr. Williams: "Yes….(getting nervous). Things have been going fine."

Principal: "That’s good. Say, after the last bell rings, I need to see you alone in my office. I’ve been meaning to talk to you for awhile. We have some pretty critical issues that we need to discuss."

Mr. Williams: "Um…(trembling)…is everything OK? Am I in trouble? Did something go wrong?"

Principal: "We’ll talk about that later. I don’t want you to be late for class. But I do need to let you know that I will be coming in to observe you during 7th period before I report to the Superintendent."

Mr. Williams: "Umm…ok…(shaking a little)…I’ll be ready!"

Principal: "Just relax, Mr. Williams. Don’t be alarmed about this. When I come into your class, I will need to see your grade book, your lessons, and your curriculum planning."

(Later on…after the observation and the classes are over)

Mr. Williams: (Looking pale) "OK, you said we needed to talk about something…"

Principal: "Yeah, I was just wondering if you and your wife would like to come over for dinner this weekend. Ha ha ha!"

Mr. Williams: "Ha ha ha!"

Principal: "Ha ha ha!"

Mr. Williams: "Ha ha ha!"

Principal: "Ha ha ha!"

Mr. Williams: "Ha ha ha!"

Principal: "I'm a complete fuckface!"

Mr. Williams: "Yeah, I know!"


LESSON #7) "Lifelong Learning" Actually Means "Lifelong Servitude!"

Schools and Universities like to hide behind the phrase, “Lifelong Learning.” They claim that they are turning students into “Lifelong Learners,” but what they are actually doing is producing “Lifelong Servants.” (Yes! This means You! You are a Lifelong Servant!)

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not putting the entire institution of Education down. Throughout your time in school, you have learned to read, write, solve math problems, participate in sports, conform to trends and the opinions of your peers, obey authority, and use technology that will be rendered obsolete shortly after you graduate.

No matter how far your learning goes, however, you will never be able to escape the reality that your sole purpose in life is to obey the rules of the wealthy class as well as those who have positions of direct authority over you at your place of employment. This is your fate until you are simply too old and exhausted to move around or think for yourself.

Even if you go beyond earning a Bachelor's Degree, you’re still basically just as expendable as the next person, and the best way to ensure your professional future is to bend over, put your face down, and say:

Yes! I really enjoy what’s happening to my anus right now! Please keep giving it to me as hard as you possibly can! It feels great! Thank you!

I’m not trying to discourage you or make you depressed. I’m just saying that your life doesn’t matter and that you are nothing more than an interchangeable part of the machinery that keeps everything going.

Celebrate and enjoy your graduation ceremony when you get there because the rest of your life is going to be filled with stress, noise, pressure, obligations, deadlines, increasing expenses, bills, overwhelming demands, lack of free time, divorce, exhaustion, alcoholism, and continual work that is not personally satisfying.

You do have the option of “thinking outside the box” and using alternative strategies in order to attain success and happiness, but always remember that there is a Correctional Facility nearby that has a spot available just for you. In other words, you are completely fucked!

So grab your books, head to your next class, and don’t forget to have a Wonderful Day!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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