The Firework Code, that set of rules which is so rarely read, let alone taken notice of, has been amended to make things even safer for us all to enjoy Bonfire Night on 5 November.
The vast majority of the Code remains as it was, but there are some important additions. These have been included because some people are SO stupid, that they need to be absolutely led by the hand.
Fireworks:
Never return to a firework once it has been lit, unless you are sure it has completely gone out
Never light fireworks in enclosed spaces, such as your bedroom, or on a bus
Never throw fireworks, if you can possibly help it
Never shoot fireworks out of your anus, unless you have a friend with you, who is good at putting out flames
Never put lit fireworks into your mouth, ears or nose - they may cause injury
Never eat fireworks, or include them as ingredients in a cake
Sparklers:
Never light a sparkler if you have a long beard
Never put a sparkler in your eye
Never insert a sparkler into your anus
Never insert sparklers into another person's anus, especially your mum's or dad's
Never insert sparklers into a cat's anus, unless you have the cat's prior permission to do so
Never throw petrol at someone who is holding a sparkler
Bonfires
Never climb or sit on the bonfire once it is ablaze
Never build your fire near wooden fences, sheds, or caravans, unless it is your intention to burn them down
Never throw petrol, paraffin or meths onto a fire, unless you are trying to impress your mates, or a bird you like
Never use people or well-loved pets on your bonfire
Never, under any circumstances, use nitroglycerine on your bonfire
New for 2018!
Farts
The Firework Code does not advise the lighting of farts, but, knowing it to be a popular prank, we shall offer some simple rules of practice that should be adhered to.
1) Never try lighting farts alone - ask a friend to help
2) Always pull your underpants down around your ankles, to prevent them catching fire
3) Organise a countdown, so that your assistant knows roughly when to duck
4) In the event of fire, sit on the ground and roll around to extinguish the flames
5) In the age of social media, seeing is believing! Try to have a third person present to catch the event on video.
Above all, stay safe on Bonfire Night, remember that not all pets like fireworks, and that elderly people often go to bed before 3am.
