WARNING: This article should not be read by anyone who is considering online dating for the purposes of finding true love, companionship, or even a balanced life. It is the unfortunate sequel to an article that you probably never read in the first place, and it was written by a cognitively-confused, obsessive-compulsive, chain-smoking, beer-guzzling, angry little man who hasn't been laid for over 7 years. This article is also extremely unprofessional. Adjectives and adverbs were misplaced, parallel structure was not properly utilized, there are numerous spelling mistakes, and the word “penis” was used way too many times. Please do yourself a favor and watch TV instead.
#1) “OH MY GOD! I can't believe how depressing this conversation has become. I can't stand listening to you anymore. Please change the subject or else STOP TALKING!”
I actually wasn't on a date when I heard these words. I was lying on a couch in an office last Thursday afternoon when my therapist said them to me.
I'm not sure why she got so upset. I was just trying to tell her my life story, and I had only been telling it for about 17 seconds.
#2) “After this movie is over, would you please brutally shove this freshly-sharpened No. 2 Pencil up my Ass?”
We all have our own unique and individual ways of becoming aroused, and some of us require a bit more stimulation than others. This question, however, may be considered a bit too “forward” for a first date. You should probably wait until the second date before you ask something like this.
If you're a really impatient person and you simply must ask this question as soon as possible, then at least give your new date enough time to become familiar with all of the positive qualities that you possess as a human being. That should only take about 3 minutes.
#3) “My last girlfriend had a very special way of getting me excited. In order to prepare me for an evening of wild sex on the bathroom floor, she would say really mean things to me, tell me that she had been cheating on me, and then proceed to beat me with a yard stick.”
It's not a good idea to talk about previous relationships on a first date. You don't want the other person to think that you are still emotionally attached to your former lover or that you have a lot of emotional baggage. Your new date needs to know that you are ready to move on with your life.
If you go into too many details about your previous romance, your date may become slightly distant. They may also get the subtle notion that you will simply use them as a “crying shoulder” before you eventually decide to go back to your former lover.
Nobody wants to be used as a “crying shoulder.” (Except for the author of this article. I really don't mind. I'm bored, lonely, and usually drunk. If gently caressing my body, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, and using me for your own personal needs on a vacant beach in the middle of the night will help you get over somebody else, then I am definitely willing to be of assistance. I feel that I am strong enough as a person to be your “crying shoulder”…especially if you are an extremely wealthy female between the ages of 25-40 who has beautiful hair and a stunning, voluptuous body. I am a brave person, and I'm willing to put my heart at risk.)
#4) “My last boyfriend was a disgusting jerk! He actually had the nerve to belch right in my face after we had sex on the kitchen table while my husband was at work this morning. So, where should we go for dinner?”
Again, I would like to say that it's never wise to spend too much time talking about previous lovers. It's even worse if you complain about them. Complaining about a former relationship could bring negativity into an evening that was supposed to be positive and fun.
We all have our own personal weaknesses and shortcomings, and the last thing you want to do is scare your date away by overly criticizing your previous boyfriend or girlfriend. New beginnings need to be based on trust, balance, support, and happiness. Your date needs to know that there is some time and distance between you and your last relationship.
If you are sincerely attracted to your new date and you wish to have a happy future together while your spouse absent-mindedly goes to work every day thinking that nothing is wrong, then you need to make sure that your initial meeting goes well.
#5) “Before we go any further, I need to confess something. I get really nervous when it comes to meeting new people, so I drank 20 cans of Miller Lite, half a bottle of Tequila, 2 Brandy Sours, 37 ounces of Mike's Hard Lemonade, a flask of Whiskey, and 4 shots of Everclear this afternoon. (I also did some Heroin and spent 30 minutes fucking my best friend's sister in the back seat of an abandoned vehicle just to relieve some anxiety.) I hope you're OK with that.”
Nervousness can be a major factor when it comes to a first date. Meeting a new person for the sole purpose of exploring the potential for intimacy is certainly no small adventure, so a little bit of anxiety is completely natural. Your new date may even be flattered that you were so anxious about meeting her. The things you did to lessen your anxiety before the date may even be considered “cute.”
However, don't let your anxiety go too far! If your new date seems shocked or perhaps even horrified by all the things you did to prepare for the evening, then you should immediately smooth things over by telling her that you love her and that you want to have lots of babies together. If that doesn't work, then you need to put some effort into convincing her that you are an exciting and intellectually-stimulating person who is fun to be around. This can be accomplished by talking about your personal life while crying.
If she still isn't convinced at that point, then you should probably conclude the evening. (Nothing is more painful than trying to continue a date that simply isn't working.) Your time will be much better spent by going home, listening to sad music, drinking more alcohol, looking at pictures of women who have rejected you in the past, picking scabs off your face and eating them, and then getting back online so that you can find another date.
#6) “I'm sorry I'm late. My toilet overflowed, and massive amounts of liquid shit ran down the stairs and into the living room.”
Try not to be late for your first date. It's just plain rude. If you don't want to explain the real reason why you were late, then just use one of the following rational excuses:
A) “I was getting a haircut when the barber accidentally dropped her scissors on my penis, so I had to go to the Emergency Room.”
B) “A part of my favorite tooth fell out, and I had to glue it back on.”
C) “My neighbor came over to visit, but she pushed the front door open way too fast. The door-knob hit me right in the penis, so I had to go to the Emergency Room.”
D) “Somebody broke into my house and turned all of the coins in my coin collection upside-down. I had to spend some time turning them back over.”
E) “I tripped on a rug in my house. My left eyeball went right into the corner of my living room desk as I was falling, so I had to go to the Emergency Room.”
#7) “I'm actually a very good bar fighter. Last night, I beat the shit out of three construction workers. I kicked the first one in the testicles, I threw the second one through a double-plated glass window, and I punched the third one in the nose so incredibly hard that blood gushed out of his face right before he landed on the floor.”
I was very intimidated the last time a woman said this to me on a first date. This is one of those statements that just doesn't seem to go over very well when you meet someone new.
After she said that, I responded by saying:
“I hope you don't mind paying for all three plates of the steak and shrimp that I just ate. Can you also cover the 12 beers I consumed? I recently lost my job as a custodian at a factory here in town. I was in charge of sweeping floors, emptying garbage cans, cleaning out the tampon disposal container in the office restroom, and operating the cardboard compactor. Unfortunately, however, they had to replace me because my last job performance review didn't go very well. They also found someone who was better-trained and more qualified for my position. Needless to say, I'm a little broke.”
I don't remember what happened after that. I woke up in front of my house a few days later with a broken nose, a tree branch up my ass, and a phillips-head screwdriver jammed inside my penis hole. I'm also sad to say that she never called back.
#8) “I don't think you are ready for a serious relationship. I think you need to spend some time alone so that you can figure out what direction your life should take.”
These words were not actually spoken on a first date. I said them to my academic advisor after she tried to flirt with me.
#9) “I'm sorry, but I'm kind of new to this. I haven't dated for a long time because I got my heart broken several years ago. A woman I was in love with rejected me and said that she needed somebody who was more sexually experienced. After that, she ran off with some guy who had a much bigger penis.”
Don't blame yourself for previous rejections. It's not your fault if somebody else happens to be a cruel, stupid, immature, manipulative, controlling, vile, self-absorbed, malicious, back-stabbing, cock-licking, sperm-guzzling, ass-sucking, shit-eating, manic-depressive, narcissistic, cold-hearted bitch.
You should actually give yourself some credit for being brave enough to date again. Some people never recover from a really bad rejection. Going through a severe heartbreak can be so devastating that it makes you want to hide from reality, lock yourself in your house, and spend the rest of your life talking to invisible people while playing with your own feces. (If you don't resort to that, then you are definitely on the right path.)
#10) “I'm so glad I met you. I've been extremely lonely for years, and I've always wondered if there was somebody out there for me. I can't even tell you how thankful I am to finally have warmth and companionship in my life. So, which room are we going to use? And do I need to pay for this now, or do I pay later?”