American Independence Day: Things you missed by not staying British

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 5 July 2018


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Traditional English beer

On 4th July 1776 or thereabouts (frankly who cares?) the Continental Congress declared the thirteen American colonies to be a new nation, the United States of America and no longer part of the British Empire.

This move was in reality a massive tax dodge and to this day the American public hates the idea of paying for public services, roads, healthcare, infrastructure etc. which is why the country is in such a mess, but that's their decision and they have to live with it. Don't pity them.

We at The Spoof realise the anguish and regret which our American cousins suffer from not being British but we aren't averse to a bit of Schadenfreude. It is in this altruistic spirit that we take great delight in taunting our ex-colonials on the delights and benefits which they have missed through this folly in their 240 years of so-called independence.

Real beer, served warm. Number one on any right thinking person's list. You have to put up with such things as Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee infamous (for selling piss that is) and Budweiser which gives the writer a belly ache and a bad case of the jam tarts. By the way, this beer is based on the original Budweiser or Budvar from the Czech Republic, which is actually drinkable, and you had the nerve to sue over the name? Guess what? You lost. We at least have true Brit beers like Black Sheep Ale, Shepherd Neame's Spitfire, India Pale Ale and erm....Stella Artois.

Proper McDonalds. It's a little known fact that McDonald's was originally a fish and chip shop in "Bonny" Scotland. Guess what? Our American chums tried to sue again over the name and guess what again? Yup, you lost again as half the Scottish population is called McDonald and amazingly they own shops all over the place.

Fish and chips. Best from McDonalds, (dig dig) True British food. Grab a piece of cod out of the icy North Sea, preferably stolen from Iceland's fishing grounds, smother it in beer batter, fry it up and add some nice fat chips. Scrumptious. Not like some weedy cow pat covered in multi-coloured sauce.

Winning the World Cup (football not soccer). So, maybe it was in 1966, but it was still our victory not yours. So you've got your own World Series. "World" Series? Do me a favour. USA, Canada, Mexico, Japan and Western Samoa? Is that your "world"? Donald Trump's maybe.

Subjugation of one third of the world's peoples during the hey day of the great British Empire. Some say this was a bad thing while others disagree wholeheartedly, but they want to take us back to the 1950s and voted for Brexit so they don't understand history. We know you Yanks hanker after this kind of thing too, in South America, and particularly in Cuba and Venezuela which your madman president wants to invade. Unfortunately for you the days of imperialism are long gone, unless it's China building islands in the South China Sea or lending dosh to developing countries to get them into debt with no hope of ever paying it off. Imperialism by stealth, there's a thought. Hmmm.

The early years of two world wars. Where were you? It wasn't the 1917-18 War it was 1914-18 and again 30 years later it wasn't 1941-1945 but 1939-1945. Late again. Just let the mother country exhaust the enemy and then come in to take the glory. Typical latecomers.

Correct spelling and grammar. Thru is not a word, nor is color, aluminum or honor and as for "I should of", bloody hell. Buy a copy of "First Aid in English" and memorise it.

Royalty. Yes, I know how much you Yanks love the idea of bowing and scraping to so-called royalty. I can't see the attraction myself of going down on bended knee to some in-bred privileged simpleton waster, but some do. You're welcome to them, even your latest addition to the crowd of spongers, Meghan something or other.

The Slave Emancipation Act of 1833. Late again, "Land of the Free". True, we were major players in the slavery market, but we saw the light 30 years before your Emancipation Proclamation in 1863. But then again some states continued their own apartheid system, officially known as "segregation" for another 100 years. Apparently things still haven't changed a lot for some unfortunates and now your lovely president is on the the Mexicans' case.

Great British cuisine. Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, haggis (banned in the US, understandably), spotted dick, chicken tikka masala. I rest my case.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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