Kerry Katona will marry for the third time and has once again hawked her "Special(ish it is the third time) Day" around to as many magazines as she can. Unfortunately for her nobody was stupid enough to pay to see a sham marriage that will last less time than a Gaza ceasefire. Nobody except us.
Back and to the Left news bid sixteen pence and a packet of cigarette papers for the honour of interviewing her before her big day. We are also licensed to draw stick pictures of the occasion, our artist has already drawn a great one of her fiancé. He's even got a steroid needle sticking out his neck.
Kerry met us at a petrol station on the outskirts of Norwich. We had a Ginsters. It was nice. The Ginsters not her.
So Kerry another man another wedding eh?
Yes-
We hadn't finished speaking.
Sorry
You will be.
A pause that seemed to stretch off forever into the dying Norfolk sun began. After a hour we continued.
This wedding, how different is it going to be from your others. What you on now? Nine?
Three.
Are you sure? We got told it was nine.
I'm sure.
Well we don't want to say you're lying but we think your lying.
I can assure you I'm not-
Alright, alright, alright. We're not really that bothered anyway.
You're not? Why?
Well our readership has dwindled down to a handful of people and look at us.
She did and we began to openly weep at our own failure to capitalise on past glories.
I'm sure everything will be OK.
I doubt it, we're forced to interview celebrities in a shameful attempt to grab peoples attention. What's your fiancé doing?
We looked out at her fiancé whose name escapes us. We'd wrote it down but had placed our Ginsters packet over the top of it and quite simply he wasn't worth moving it. He was shouting at cars that were driving past. He'd shout then puff his chest out before returing to shouting. It would have been off putting but by this point we just didn't care.
He's just blowing off a little steam.
So this explains why your wedding venue is being held at a venue with a open prison situated next to it.
What?
So you can drop him off at the end of the service.
This interviews over!
Hey!
Our suddenly raised voices in unison stopped her dead in her tracks.
We really needed to find someone new to hang around with instead of each other. I mean we'd-
Are you two OK you we're mumbling to yourselves-
This interview is over!
And we left.
