Kerry Katona Tells The

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 7 July 2013


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Everyone's favourite car crash celebrity, Kerry Katona, has been declared bankrupt for the second time. Going bankrupt is normally a good sign for a celebrity to fuck off out of sight for a bit so they can get their affairs in order (ditching the cocaine habit) in private. Then come storming back with a tell all autobiography which leaves so little to the imagination you'll feel that you know the person intimately enough to get a invite to their next wedding.

Not Kerry.

She has used her new found bankruptcy to blag a interview in the Sun to tell us all about the "horrors" of Pay Day Loan companies. The very companies she was just getting paid by to lure idiotic, celebrity following simpletons into getting themselves into so much debt they'll feel like a Sub-Saharan country.

We caught up with Kerry just as she was leaving the Suns car park.

BATTL News: So Kerry do you not think it's a tad hypocritical to shout your fat mouth off about how badly pay day loan companies rip the poor and needy off? Especially since you just spent the last few months flouncing around on TV trying to convince everyone that by getting a loan they can live the same sort of pseudo-celebrity lifestyle that you live? One that has now bankrupted you twice?

Kerry: I don't think it's hypocritical at all. All modern celebrities are mouthpieces for hire, we will literally do anything for money. I'm not going to stand here and lie about it, unless you want me to, for money.

BATTL News: So you admit you're nothing more than a corporate whore getting on your back for the first product that waves a wad of twenties in your face?

Kerry: Of course. Look I'll stand in front of a camera and tell the world that a new baby milk formula made of asbestos is the best thing ever if you pay me enough. I don't care if it kills thousands as long as I'm earning enough to put an extension on my house.

BATTL News: And you're all like this?

Kerry: Hell yeah! Look J-Lo just did a private show for the President of Turkmenistan and he's accused of massive human rights abuses against his own people. But she went right out there and sung for him anyway, she says she didn't know about his abuses, but she has a army of advisors, aides and PA's and your telling me not one of them mentioned it to her? We are nothing but money puppets, looking for that next hyperdermic filled with sweet, sweet money.

Fair play to her for admitting that then.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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