Hero Makes Huge Sacrifice

Funny story written by Matt Brown

Friday, 24 January 2014

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''Daves' song is now played in clubs by over the hill drag queens and has become a staple tune of the British lower class''

Ordinary normally working everyday working-man Dave Marx has become the sensation of 2014 after sawing his legs off and then penning his very own ode to agony. It is thought Dave saw an episode of Jeremy Kyle and felt sorry for all those poor people who were forced to live lives with varying handicaps. He decided the only thing for it was to saw both of his legs off and then make a song about it to bring to light the mental anguish those people felt on a daily basis.

In what turned out to be a longer leg sawing escapade than he had previously anticipated Dave went to his local second hand Stanley saw store and purchased a decidedly flimsy looking Stanley saw. 'What do you want it for'? Said second hand Steve, who did everything second hand. As he was placing the saw in Dave's not yet bloody hands Dave replied 'Noneof your business' with a whimper. 'Tell me!!!' yelled Second hand. 'I'm going to saw my legs off with it if you must know'. 'Oh, good luck with that but as a former mortician I wouldn't recommend it'. 'Yeah well shut up I've got my reasons haven't I'. With that Steve began to bubble and pulse before he imploded in a green crystal light beam display and in an instant Dave was back in his one room flat lying on the couch with a beer and a packet of crisps on his overhanging baskets.

'Wasn't there something I had to do today?' wonder Dave just as the TV cut out.

Feed the cat? No.

Have a wash? No did that last week.

Go to work? Yes but there was something more important.

Just then the TV flickered back on and Dave could just see the shaven head of a poor young man from Middlesbrough who had fostered too many children and had lost count. 'That's it!' Exclaimed Dave as he trod on his pet turtle. I must give a voice to the voiceless, give them a leg to stand on by sawing off my very own two legs. I will not fail them!

But before that Dave needed to work out how to saw off human legs, namely his own human legs. So he went to an old Blockbusters which wasn't even open anymore and rented all seven editions of the Saw film franchise hoping it would give him some helpful hints on self-mutilation. After watching each version in complete silence he laughed out loud and said 'ha ha ha'. Make of that what you will.

With this Dave picked up the saw which somehow he had been carrying the whole time and set about taking this unwieldy metal shark beast to his own flesh. Just then a thought appeared to Dave in the form of a picture in his head of his own horrifying and bloody death. 'Don't fancy that before tea' mumbled Dave. So he was very careful to cut at the joint being extra cautious not to hit any bones and arteries. Just to lighten the mood Dave put on Marilyn's mad son's 'Mutilation is the most sincere form of flattery'. Without further ado and despite clearly seeing the skull and cross bones warning signs on the saw saying 'keep away from children and legs' Dave began to cut into his flabby walking sticks. Whilst screaming in the worst pain he had ever experienced he grabbed a notepad and began to jot down his inner most thoughts. It was hard and all not having the strength to even lift a finger but manage he did and at the end of his 5 hour ordeal Dave had the potential for truth and stardom in his hands. He called up his girlfriend and told her everything that had happened and how wonderful and magical it was that the downtrodden in society now had somebody to represent them. She called for an ambulance and Dave was whisked to his local ICU.

He spent one month in a pizza induced coma but whilst he was away with the fairies a nurse found the notepad which had not left his hands the whole time. She gave the notepad to Randy Jackson who gave it to Bono. He recorded the song and set up a benefit concert for victims of saw misuse and mental illness. When Dave wake in April he found his bed surrounded with thank you cards from Andy from Pennywell, John from Leeds and Aderall from Texas. During his coma he was visited by the President of the Burnley drop in clinic and given a bar of soap. Dave's diseased and rotting lower half was recovered and it now stands in the Royal Museum of useless limbs. Now everyone can feel a part of Dave.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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