Honey, You're Not the Sweet Thing I thought You Were

Funny story written by Olive Pepper

Saturday, 28 December 2013


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You know, when you insisted on not having sex with me until we were married, I thought you were a little bit of a prude, a goody two-shoes, and that I had a lot to teach you when our wedding night came around. But I was pretty wrong, wasn't I? Either you've been doing a lot of reading in your free time or you come at this kind of thing naturally. But in either case, you just about blew my eyeballs out of my sockets.

Let's start with the shinju you brought out. I mean, how did you even know about such things? I admit I was taken aback at first to see you come out of the bathroom with your breasts wrapped in a rope, but I liked it. And it started the night off in a way I can honestly say I hadn't expected.

I was a little leery of what you wanted to do with the rope after you took it off, but when I saw how expertly you tied it to me, I felt a little more at ease. In fact, I had no problem kneeling at you command and submitting to your instructions for pretty much the whole night.

I guess what really made me start seeing you in a different light was when you tried to suffocate me while my wrists and ankles were tied to the bed posts. There was a moment when I was wondering if this was a good idea, especially since we had a brunch with the family the next day, but I can say now that you know how to suffocate people without actually killing them. In a kinky kind of way, I'd like to see you do that again.

Having said that, the cutting was a little weird. I mean, I get what you're saying about the need for us to be bonded in blood, but those sheets were a present from my mother, and I know they had a sateen weave and a thread count of more than 200, which is not something you can buy at Wal-Mart.

The bottom line is, you're an amazing woman, and I can't believe I married you. All this time I thought I would be teaching you the most basic of positions, yet I was the one who received all the instructions, not to mention the whippings, clampings, and chokings. You're going to have to tell me again which community college you went to before we met, because whatever school it is, it has an adult education curriculum that I don't think most two-year schools have. I'm going to have to look into taking some classes myself, once you let me out of the bathroom and give me my clothes back.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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