Top 10 retirement suggestions for Mayor Bloomberg

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Monday, 16 September 2013

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A reverse mortgage on City Hall will finance the mayor's retirement.

New York City - Michael Bloomberg is just weeks away from being forced out of office by an angry mob. (At least that's the way most envision his departure.)

The mayor's forthcoming eviction raises the question: What's Mad Mike going to do with all of that free time he is going to have on his hands?

Here are the top 10 suggestions:

1. Start by invading Poland.

2. Save a buck by doing some comparative shopping before you buy your next position of power.

3. Open a chain of stop and frisk clubs.

4. Finance a grassroots movement to make smiling illegal.

5. Find your sense of humor, which hasn't been heard from since 1973. (Maybe it's hiding under the couch.)

6. Trade your helicopter in for a pogo stick. It will make you look taller and anyway you can use the exercise.

7. Stop pretending to speak Spanish. Se hace sonar como un idiota.

8. Become a contestant on Jeopardy. Blackmail Alex Trebek to get the questions in advance so you can feel what it's like to be smart.

9. Keep fighting the Occupy Wall Street crowd. Discourage their protests with a mixture of 1% nerve gas, 1% tear gas, and a barrel of multiuse Skittles from George Zimmerman's garage. (A tip of the hat to Bashir al-Assad for the formula.)

10. Purchase an island chain in the middle of the Pacific, where you can live out your life without coming in contact with other humans. (Sorry, Hawaii.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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