Banning Spoons to Save Lives!

Funny story written by Brittany_Shannon

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

image for Banning Spoons to Save Lives!
The Danger of High Capacity Spoons

There's all this hype about spoons. Seriously, people are lining up outside local stores, waiting in the cold for hours, just to get the latest edition of spoon technology. There are crazy spoon enthusiasts who will even go as far as collecting multiple spoons in various different shapes and sizes. It is becoming a problem comparable to hoarding. What will happen if too many people buy spoons? Should we limit the number of spoons per citizen? Or, perhaps, we should limit the size of spoon ratio and human consumer.

Have you ever wonder why America has an obesity epidemic? I got to thinking about it the other day and my mind travelled to Europe, where obesity isn't as big of a problem. You know what I think? I think they have smaller spoons. Maybe Americans have been morally corrupted by something as insignificant as a spoon. Is it that we have less self control? Is it a matter of individual responsibility? It calls to mind other discussions on banning dangerous implements, and I wonder if now spoons should not also be considered part of that list. We could, as a nation, reduce obesity immensely by such a simple solution as spoon control. Could we not?

In fact, a statistic based in 2008 states that $147 billion were spent on medical costs associated with obesity here in America, and approximately 90.5 million Americans are obese-this includes roughly 12.5 million teens and children. What? There is a staggering number of deaths, could have been preventable, attributed to obesity. Somewhere between 112,000-414,000 deaths annually related to such cause. No doubt this has become a public health issue. I think the weight of the situation is larger than we can scale.

Maybe the problem isn't spoons in general, but a widespread distribution of spoons that are being mass produced, sold, and altogether overrunning the population. Think about the spoons in your household. Are they influential? Are your spoons metal or plastic? Do they have action figures who are emulated by children, Disney characters idolized, or fun textures for mouth entertainment? We as a culture train even infants how to use spoons and thus starts the obsession. It is programmed into us, at such a delicate, young age, to be consumed with desire to scoop calorie after calorie into our mouths. The temptation is imperative. Is there any hope for us at all?

It would seem useful to bring up the topic of using smaller spoons instead of larger ones. Would we then ingest less food? Would the hazards and dangers of ladles then be ceased? Or is it too much a part of our society to consistently want to upgrade to something bigger and better? I've been thinking about the benefits a good spoon ban proposal might garner. Think about the repercussions if spoon consumers had stricter laws prohibiting them from attaining too many spoons, or spoons too large. Owners of silverware across the nation have been overhead complaining, "Seriously, can't you just give up your spoons?"

Spoon nuts around the globe are in an uproar about recent talk of ban propositions. That is because spoons have become the thread to the fabric of this country. However, when is enough enough? I feel like thousands of innocent lives are being slaughtered at the hands of irresponsible spoon users. Couldn't we implicate harsher spoon laws, therefore protecting our heritage and generations to come? If spoon owners were required by law to abide by certain laws, as well as storing their spoons securely in a gun safe, perhaps we wouldn't have such a dilemma. I suggest limiting spoon purchases to smaller capacity spoons, and restricting the number of spoons per household. Do not fear the controversy of such an idea; it is absolutely necessary for the preservation of our nation.

Just think about the advantages! Americans will have less overall obesity and diabetes. Death rates associated with heart failure will decrease. Might I even recommend training facilities established where our young children can learn how to properly exercise permitted usage of spoons, graduating with a license legally allowing them to utilize higher capacity spoons with caution. I foresee a great strength bonding our nation over the collective agreement for tighter spoon regulations. Our future is in our hands. We are in control of our destiny.

In conclusion, here are my final propositions to be taken into consideration:
-Persons applying for a spoon permit must be a prior owner of a dependable gun safe-maintaining organization and storage for their spoons at all times.
-A criminal penalty put into effect immediately for purchasing or transferring high capacity spoons.
-Ban the manufacture of larger capacity spoons except for professional or military use.
-Construct a national database of obese people, people with obesity in their families, and people prone to obesity for effective background checks before allowing peoples to apply for or purchase a spoon.
-Spoons larger than a spoon functioning as a baby food spoon will not be sold to general public.
-Persons with professional needs for higher capacity spoons will be required to complete a course, pay legal fees, and pass pertinent background checks to verify they are not currently obese, on a diet, on diet medication, or associated with other obese individuals.
-Initiate a three day waiting period for all spoon purchases.
-If you have been obese previously, you are forbidden to ever own a spoon.
-Under no circumstances, whatsoever, should a spoon be put into the wrong hands at the wrong time.

A final note: take your spoon responsibility seriously. For you, your family, and our nation. This is not to be ignored. A fail proof way to keep your spoons properly and safely stored is to purchase a Fort Knox gun safe. With unsurpassed durability, fire protection, key and lock configuration, your spoons will be kept securely without the risk of sketchy individuals confiscating them. To learn more about gun vaults and gun safes, visit the website for Fort Knox.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more