Fragments of Lost SSHite Gospel discovered in Coal Hole cuspidoor

Funny story written by Francois Dubois, S.J.

Monday, 24 December 2012


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The Lost Gospel of the SSHites

LONDON (ABSNN) - News of the discovery of ancient biblical texts was released today by unknown, and unnamed archeologists digging through a spittoon at a local London public house, the Coal Hole.

"Nothing this special was ever found in the spitter before," said the bar swamper. Martin Shuttlecck. "I did find a gold dental bridge that one time tho."

"Nothing is really known about the SSHites, " said Cambridge University eschatologist, Bled Dry. "They were thought to have died out sometime around three weeks ago."

What follows are the first sections of the papyrus. Brackets (....) show where text is missing.

(……)shits. 69: And lo, Marcimus Minimus saw that the Bargisites and Jalapeneofuckittites did refuse to bend to the Lord's instruction:
70: And the Lord was mightily angry:
80: Yea, He expressed his rage and did send down upon the Bargisites and Jalapeneofuckittites fires from the Heavens,
81: And they did all burn up;
82: Yea every swing dick of them.
83: Now Marcimus Minimus was unemployed,
84: And he did hunger.
85: And he did wonder through the desert of mixed metaphors, cursing them who refused to learn and grow.
Chapter 4
01: And Marcimus Minimus did wonder through the desert.
02: And he fell many times,
03: Over dangling participles he did fall.
04: Nor could he negotiate the many sentences that ended in prepositions.
05: He was lost and alone,
06: And he called out to the Lord:
07: Oh my Lord, why have you deserted me in this literary desert?
08: Have I not faithfully served you?
09: Did I not prophesize that woe would come to those who would not Learn and Grow?
10: And yea the Lord did hear Marcimus Minimus.
11: (…..) art an anus, thou foolish man. You teach with silly parables;
12: No one, not even I, can understand your prattle.
13: Oh Lord, I hunger and thirst and there is naught to eat or drink. I will perish in this wilderness.
14: And the Lord sent a woman, The who(…)
15: And she led the Prophet Marcimus to a cool cave.
16: (…..) blew him yet he did not come.
17: For his headband was too tight and no blood reached his brain.
18: But he would not suffer her to remove his headband:
19: For it is written (…..) again.
20: But I hunger woman.
21: And the woman led him deeper into the cave where many vessels (….) much vinegar and pickled eggs.
22: And he ate his fill.
23: And it came to pass that Marcimus Maximus did grow filled with vinegar and cackle berries.
24: And his eyes grew heavy and he lay in the whore's lap, lapping her nect(…) he did lap.
25: And she did minister unto him.
26: And as he slumbered, the whore did steal his headband and he was plunged into oblivion.
27: And he did pitch and moan as dreams and visions were visited upon him.
Chapter 5
(….) the Land of the SSHites he did come.
13: And the Land of the SSHites was governed by King Cliveypopimus of the tribe Dantonites and his firstborn son, Gaztopimus.
14: And they were all literary giants except for the midgets.
15: And the Council of the Dantonite SSHites were:
16: The midget Skoob, Chief Pornographer of Satire.
17: The Chief of the Army, Colonel Juan Boliviacuntimus.
26: And Chief of Faggots was Duboissjismus.
42: (….) did Marcimus Minimus see as he approached the city gates.
43: And Marcimus thanked the Lord for giving him a new mission:
44: To bring forth to the Dantonite SSHites the Gospel of Learning and growing.
Chapter 6
01: And in the fullness of time, Marcimus entered into the Pearly Gates of the SSHite Kingdom.
02: And lo, he asked an audience of King Cliveypopimus.
03: But the King refused him thus:
04: The King of the Dantonite SSHites does not have intercourse with the uncircumcised prophet of the Spoofimites.
05: Send him to my son Gaztopimus that he should know him first.
06: (….) me if his arse is wide for I need no more loose coal shuts.
07: Yea Marcimus did treat with Gaztopimus,
08: Tho it did not go well.
09: For Gaztopimus was inflicted with the pox,
10: And Marcimus with all his knowledge could not his drawbridge raise.
11: And Marcimus grew sore afraid:
12: To the Lord he did raise his cry.
13: Saying 'Wherefore did you send me to these diseased, Oh Lord?'
14: And the Lord said 'You must teach them to Learn and Grow.'
15: But they are Philistines and ugly to boot.
16: Just teach them. For once in your life as a prophet, do not speak in silly riddles or unintelligible parables.
17: For I do tell you Marcimus Minimus; this is your last chance to fulfill your destiny.
18: So Marcimus did go low down on Gaztopimus,
19: Tho it did no good,
20: For Gaztopimus was sick with lung infections
21: He contracted whilst off on a plunder of nearby nations.
22: Yea, he had been captured by the enemy
23: And thrown in the slam by the magistrate
24: The most feared QueenMudderimusses.
25: Lo, many months he did rot in her prison
26: Being ransomed finally by his father
27: King Cliveypopimus who bowed down to QueenMudderimusses
28: And did (….)chimus Maximus.
29: And finally Gaztopimus and his father the King of the Dantonite SSHites returned to their kingdom:
30: Both were ill, but Gaztopimus was the worse for hi(….)s enMudderimusses and his shaft did burst.
31: And Marcimus could not stiffen Gaztopimus' resolve.
32: And he was ashamed.
33: So Marcimus asked for an audience with Simeonimus, the keeper of the King's vineyards and ganja fields.
34: And he did inquire of Simeonimus what a nickel bag was going for these days.
35: Yea, even a two-finger nickel bag
36: For I must operate on Gaztopimus' schlangswartzer.
37: And Simeonimus told him a nickel bag cost a dime.
38: Yet Marcimus had only three farthings.
39: But he also had two dozens of pickled eggs
40: Of which Simeonimus had never tasted.
41: So Marcimus traded three cackle berries for a dime nickel bag of ganja.
42: And he went again unto Gaztopimus
43: And burned a couple with him through a ram's-horn bong.
44: And lo, slumber came upon Gaztopimus:
43: And when he was asleep
44: Marcimus took a clam shell and sharpened it on a rock
45: And lo, he scraped the weeping sores from Gaztopimus' tally-whacker
46: And he did ram a do(….)ztopimus' urethra
47: Till the piss it did flow freely.
48: And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept.
(….) 71: Yea he is a wizard my father.
72: My pfistlesnapper works as it used to before the evil QueenMu(….)musses misused me.
73: Pray you have intercourse with the Spoofimites' prophet.
74: But King Cliveypopimus was not moved.
75: Call forth ChurchMousimusimus that he might meet him first.

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