Ginger Vitus The Lone Star Rider

Funny story written by armfeetandtoe

Thursday, 21 June 2012


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Donkey does a runner

Ginger Vitus rode high in the saddle on his worn out donkey. The poor beast had seen better days, like the retirement home he was in before being rustled by Ginger.

The pair made their way along the dusty trail toward the town of Calcium, a violent whiskey soaked community on the border of San Antonio and Mexico. A few miles from the destination, Ginger halted.

"There must be somewhere to have a shit?" he asked himself.
Ginger looked around, a few clumps of bush rose from the parched earth but not nearly enough cover, for a man who needed to squat out of sight. A few yards to his left, Ginger saw a small dip in the ground that may afford the necessary privacy he so desperately needed.
Donkey was left standing while his master, or rather donkey jacker, went for a crap.

Never trust an unruly Donkey, as soon as Ginger had divest himself ready for the strains of bowel movement, wonky Donkey was off, running in the direction of away, carrying the provisions that keep man alive and ensure safe passage to one's destination.

"You scrawny bastard!" cried Ginger straining like hell to get the job done and give chase.
With no thought for mankind or the fat bastard that had rode him near to extinction, Donkey kept running until the insults and threats were no more. Meanwhile, Ginger had a problem.
Standing round the hole, several Tohono braves stood watching a white man sitting on his haunches, shouting at the top of his voice and shitting like a rabbit with an arrow up its bum.

"Me think um, him have shits" said Dances with Poodles.

"Is him china man?" asked Rising Bun.

"No, he straining, make look like yellow skin" replied Nose Miner.

"Shall we take um scalp?" enquired Poodles.

"He suffer enough, must have sore arse" answered Bun.

"Let white man go on, chief no want stinky arse like that in village" said Miner.

With that, the Tohono went on their way, back to the village to tell the story of the white man that looked like a china man with a sore arse and the smell of thirty Buffalo with diarrhoea.

Ginger looked up from his hole in the ground he could have sworn he heard voices. "Thank god for that" he thought. "Imagine being found in here shitting like a rabbit with an arrow up its bum!" Ablutions over, Ginger gingerly wiped his now throbbing anus on some grass and dressed. By his calculation, the town was only a couple of hours walk, the sun was going down so the heat would be off. Ginger turned south and began the hike to Calcium.

Atop a mountain pass, a group of Tohono braves watched a lone white man crossing the rocky drought ridden floor of their ancestral homeland.

"Why he walk like um John Wayne?" asked Dipping Bread."

"Must have tight trousers" replied Shoe Horn.

"No, he have white man curse" said Kinky Moon.

"Bunions?" asked Bread.

"Hemroids" advised Moon.

"Shall we um scalp him?" asked Horn.

"No it may bring curse on tribe" replied Moon.

Ginger made good progress, he ran the last mile helped along by a mountain cat that had not eaten for a couple of days. At last, his ordeal was over, Ginger strode down the main street as if nothing had happened, cool, calm collected. From a window, someone shouted, "Who's the twat with the hat that walks like John Wayne?" Ginger did not utter a word he was the new Sheriff in town and must rise above the insults that cheeky bastard would pay for in the morning when he donned his star and threw the git in jail.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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