Quentin Kelp MP - Post Jubilee Special

Funny story written by tjmstroud

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Dear Constituents

That was a most hectic and long weekend.
For those of you who weren't able to make the Jubilee garden fete to hear my opening speech, it went very well although I was glad to be speaking from under the awning of the main marquee. My suit would have got very wet.

Unfortunately the thunder and lightning frightened the children away to the ice cream tent so I was forced to remove references to bad behaviour in the under-fives and focus on adult themes such as street behaviour when the Pink Suspender Club closes on Saturday nights.

Then, when the under thirties departed I started on the need to save for the future and working beyond the age of seventy to reduce the financial burden of pensions on the national budget.

Due to the rain increasing in intensity, the mayor then interrupted to thank me for my light hearted speech and we retired to the beer tent.

Clearly the weather had put a damper on everything as everyone seemed a little downhearted. Even the mayor seemed short of things to say to me and asked me what I was I doing for my summer holidays. This gave me my idea my theme for today - the need for holidays and leisure activity.

I now need to start planning what to do during the summer recess.

We call it a summer recess but it is that special time in the political calendar when busy MPs and Ministers of Government can remove their suits and ties, forget the suntan, hair gel and make-up for a while and focus on other things that matter to them.

The summer recess is the time for busy MPs to take a break from the stress of finding questions to pose at Prime Ministers Question Time in case one gets mentioned on BBC 'Yesterday in Parliament' or actually gets seen on TV.

And yes, the summer recess is a time when MPs can return once more to focus on their constituency, mix with the ordinary people and learn a little more about their daily lives, their concerns, their struggles to cope with unemployment and redundancy, their separations and their divorces. The recess is a time I always look forward to.

During those long days of summer, it is a time when we MPs can refocus our attentions and bring things back into perspective. It is the time of year when we start to understand how the important decisions we make on a daily basis improve all your lives. Making the right decisions is vital for quality of life and harmony.

Take my wife, for instance. I already know she'll want to go to see her mother in Macclesfield.

Now, I have no interest in that particular place. It isn't that her mother doesn't like me. It's more a question of me feeling uncomfortable in her presence. So, important compromises have to be made and it's a time when the decisive, decision-making characteristics of any political leader come to the fore. It is at times like that when I decide to take my wife to the station.

But, in anticipation, of the long summer break soon to be upon us, when batteries have to be recharged, that deep reflection on life's priorities become critical.

Fortunately it's another two years or so before the next election so we must not panic but review our position with common sense, logic and a certain deviousness. For my part I will be going to Spain while my wife is in Macclesfield to continue my research in the knowledge that only an emergency recall of Parliament could interrupt my work.

So, in order to review our position with common sense and logic, between now and August we will be conducting a survey of constituent's opinions on a wide range of topics.

As you know, with Quentin Kelp, no holds are barred. There is no subject that is too sensitive to handle, no problem that cannot be resolved and no question too hard to answer. So please fill in the questionnaire when it comes through the post and then sit back and watch the action unfold.

Anthea will analyse the results of the survey and, if these are not ready before I depart, bring them out to Spain. She and I will be hard at work throughout August and by the time I return, you can be assured that a full, written response on all your concerns will be ready and waiting. I'll just need the recess to find the right words.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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